One of the main reasons I was scared to speak up is the absolute filthiness of my own record. Who am I to tell anyone to flee from sin?
I tremble that if I speak someone will say, "aren't you the guy that was addicted to pornography and cheated on your wife?" Yes, I was.
Therein the beauty of grace. I once was, but now...
I know who I was. I lived with me, in shame and disgust the entire time, unable to make it go away. When I talk about Jesus with fire in my eyes and tears in my voice, I'm falling headlong into the memory of who I was. My souls screams with Joy to be free of the path I was on.
It cost me so much. She was my favorite person. And I made her feel like she didn't matter at all. This isn't guilt or remorse talking here. This is me saying something because I really don't want to see you go down the same road. You're being sold a bunch of lies and illusion. The deception that you can have the connection you seek without the commitment. It's not true and the sad thing is that the reveal will likely come to you after the trap is sprung. If I could time-travel from here and tell younger me what I've learned, I sincerely hope younger me would have the good sense to listen.
But then, in fairness, other good men did speak to me and try to help me see the error and the danger. I just wanted what I wanted. Word says that with every temptation there's a way of escape. How many times did I look right at it and keep on going, because I believed a lie more than the truth?
When the smoke cleared I was left holding pain that was passed to me by men and generations before; it was passed to them by fathers I've never met. Because built into this fall is the shame to keep us silent. For my family, it ends here. The Lord has healed so much more than I could have imagined, and there's more to go, but go we will, because I'm not passing this on to my kid. And while we're at it, if my ranting gets you to think for even a second, I hope that's long enough for your good sense to kick in.
I never wanted to preach. The reason I have to talk to these friends of mine is that I don't want you to find out painfully that gravity works. What I mean by that is that you're being convinced that your situation is different. You guys really love each other and you guys have talked about all that stuff and you guys know what you're doing and it won't happen with you guys that way. But have you looked around at how many other people 10 years ahead of you on the same path have crashed and burned?
Has it occurred to you how fervently they believed that gravity would somehow not work on them? Even if you do make it to marriage, you will have weakened your ability to trust and respect each other in ways that will come to haunt you further down the road, by which time seeds planted now will have germinated and matured into trees that will be difficult at best, impossible at worst, to uproot. By the time you realize you've been played, there may be children involved and your pride and shame will catch you in a cross-fire.
There's more to say, but I ought to leave something for tomorrow, no? Another 14-hour day ahead and then a meeting with Dawn to catch up and talk about the upcoming film project.
I hope you hear me and I hope you still like me. But if I must choose, I hope you hear me.
Goodnight, Beautiful...
Goodnight, Strender
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