11.30.2009

287--Dissipation

I do not like to be cold. Once my hands get cold the rest of me is just miserable. One might question my judgement at leaving Los Angeles, where the sun shines all the time.


Yesterday at Joshua Tree, cold, really cold, but when you get moving, climbing or hiking or even jumping in place, your body warms up. After a little while I had to take off the hoodie to dissipate some heat. Dissipate—good word; that’s a leftover from Ryan’s sermon on Sabbath. Luke 21:34 uses the word ‘dissipation’ referring to the squander of life and its resource. Time and devotion, energy, affection… heat.


This morning at 7:31 I’m cold again, but I don’t get to fight back with motion or activity. This morning I have to just stand here and take it. The wind cuts through my two layers, hits me right in the chest and lets me know it’s gonna be a long half-hour. I’m on the platform at San Bernadino train station waiting for Metrolink.


This is my first time riding the train since the cross-country Amtrak ride when I was a kid. I have a vague memory of cornfields flashing by. I remember the feeling of excited freedom, like I could go anywhere in the world. I thought the train actually went wherever I wished it to go. How magnanimous of me to take those other people along.


Ticket purchase was quick and simple. Machines walk you through the transaction. $11 on a debit card and I’m ready to board. I wanted to be sure I’d done it right, so I checked in with the security guard who confirmed that I was now in possession of viable transportation to Los Angeles Union Station. Now all I have to do is survive the cold for 30 minutes.


I tightened up my hoodie and rocked in place from left foot to right. I squirreled and squirmed in hopes of a respite from the biting wind. And I’ve only got to be here for half hour. This poor guy has to stand here all day. This is his job!


I peered around the concrete column between us, smiled and said, “hey man, how do you do this? How do you stand in this cold wind all day?”


“Well, you get used to it, and it’s not so bad.”


I rocked in place another minute or so, then he leaned around the pillar and smiled.


“If you stand on this side of the column, you won’t feel it so much.”


On the other side of the pillar, there’s a spot, about the width of one Lennox, where the wind doesn’t reach. A little bubble of protection, and it even has a supply of direct sunlight to thaw a frozen traveler.


I do not like to be cold. Did I say that already?


It was torturous for me, but there’s always someone else who has had to endure more for longer. Sometimes there’s no activity to fix it—you just gotta stand there and take it. Sometimes, if you consult with one who has stood longer than you, you may be gifted with information or a tool to ease your journey. And... there are safe places appointed, even at the heart of cold.


Thanks be to Josh, my security guard, without whom I would have further dissipated.


Goodnight, Beautiful...

Goodnight Strender

11.29.2009

288---Joshua Tree



First time visiting Joshua Tree national park. Impressive, beautifully desolate. I love trees, you know I love trees, but I didn't know there are rock mountains there. Loved the rocks!! Climbed up a few boulders and hiked a couple trails. Forty-seven degrees is not part of my conditioning, but one willingly trades air temperatures for a day of such beauty.



Heard hours and hours of new (to me) music this weekend. Vanessa Carlton, Michael Buble, Norah Jones, Rob Thomas, Pomplamoose, Marie Digby, Madonna, Jack Johnson, Susanna Hoffs, Tears for Fears...
I love input weekends.

On the drive back from the park, I'm thinking about logistics for performing, recording, and distributing music in 2010. We just finished two more songs at the red room over at Melrose Music: State of Compromise and Seize The Moments.

I'm going to spend a few minutes working on my profile page at Reverbnation--start inviting you to join as fans so I send out update emails and keep you posted on developments in the music. So far I've been sending updates through my regular gmail account and I think that has reached it's limit.

I'm feeling lonely, though finer company I could never find. I'm sequestered with Zoe, Dulce and Mark for some family time this weekend. I feel lonely often but it's just a low-hum in the back of my mind and not a full-blown sadness. A headline from "Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart" comes to mind: Unrequited love is painful, but not romantic.

Ain't nothing romantic about loneliness. It's just tiring and difficult. Last thing I want to do is pay homage to the patron saint of hopeless romance.

I have about 4 days worth of unchecked messages on my voicemail. I'm deeply honored that so many people are calling to connect in the last couple of weeks before I travel. I am so sorry if I haven't been able to connect with you or if I haven't returned your call. I do love you very much. This weekend I stole away, got out of town, went to the desert.

I've been thinking about n0t having a cellphone when I leave Los Angeles. Just use the internet as my primary tool of communication. Scott suggested an option: http://www.ooma.com/

Speaking of Scott, he sent me an mp3 of ideas for vocal arrangements on Days Of Rain. I haven't listened yet. I'll do that tonight.

Rest is still one of the main rhythms I'm building into my life. It's time to do fewer things with greater excellence. It's time for fine-tuning and accountability. I know I need sleep. Nobody made me stay up watching tv until 4 this morning. That was my choice and my health bears the consequence. We have a concert next Saturday evening. I need to be strong, rested, rid of this cold.

Well, I definitely want to get mp3s to Brian and David tonight, so I'm going to work.

Goodnight, Beautiful...
Goodnight, Strender

11.22.2009

295-Miracle


A miracle will be performed less than 10 feet from me. And I get to stand there and watch. Many times the miracles around us are unscheduled. We don't know they're coming and we miss them when they do. But this is one I've known about for months. I even know what I'll be wearing when it happens. Today my brother Sean marries his best friend.

You know I have a passion for marriage. I know only too well that there will be trials ahead for my brother and his wife. I know they're gonna face all manner of enemies, foreign, domestic, internal. There will be historical and generational fears to confront. Memories long forgotten will rise to haunt once more.

The miracle is stronger than these. I believe Love is stronger than every force of darkness combined. I believe the choice to make another person part of yourself is the choice to empower them with your greatest joy and darkest sorrow, the power to wound and the power to heal your very soul.

Yesterday, with eyes overspilled, one of my sisters told of her fear that we are losing the commitment to love each other, the community of humankind. We've let our children become invisible. We relegate the miracle of union to a mundane and disreputed institution. We forget to love on purpose.

I have watched my brother prepare for today. I watched him study. I heard his heart ask only how to heal hers. I know he went to the Captain, and he still goes. I believe he will keep going, and find the strength and knowledge to renew the miracle over and again. I have hope enough for my friends.

It is not a light thing to approach the Almighty and request to be joined with another. It is not a light thing to approach the Almighty. This joining, only God can do this. Sex is easy--Union is a miracle.

I see how much she wants to make him stronger. He tells of her beauty with wonder in his eyes.

I believe. I've seen many things, enough to know that I've seen enough to know. And I believe. In enemies unseen. In Love unstoppable. In miracles that last and grow, and die. And live again.

I hope my voice returns this week. I miss reading to you.

Goodnight, Beautiful...
Goodnight, Strender


11.19.2009

298--Impractical


I have journeyed impractical paths in pursuit of impossible dreams.
Regarding the leap that is faith, I did not jump; I was pushed.

Last night while listening to a song that refers to God as Jehovah Jireh, my provider, I closed my eyes and leaned into that assurance. Jokingly, and sometimes not, I've referred to Him as Jehovah Sneaky--The God who tricked me into the commitments on which I stand.

Those things God asked, He did not trick me into. He's been upfront about opportunity costs.

Random Tangent: Andrey just said to me, "If you're entering something and you see sign of Dragon, be careful."

Earlier today I chatted with a friend who hadn't until now realized how close my departure approaches. He says I'll be missed.

I said to my friend that I don't miss the people who are in my heart, because any time I need them, I simply look inside. He asked me how I manage this much heart interaction. Honest answer, bro? I don't know how to manage this many people. Maybe the secret is that I don't have to manage people...I simply experience them.

Can I be present in each moment with the person I'm with and neither miss the last nor crave the next interaction?

In the end, we are all connected, and we are all alone.

long, since I wore my own disdain
that weighs me heavy, more than yours
I sketch the beauty and the shame
and break them neatly into fours


Good night, Beautiful...
Goodnight, Strender

11.15.2009

302--Winds Changing


Tanja's comment about the chimney sweep, "I didn't realize he was an artist--I thought he was a bum!..... O, wait, same thing."

Just watched Mary Poppins. Love the way she can make everything better with a spoonful of sugar. I hadn't realized how many of my own ideas about artistry and practicality being mutually exclusive, are expressed at tension in that movie. I vaguely remember watching it as a child. But the music started coming back as we laughed and sang along.

Charted music for one of the songs at my December 5 backyard fundraiser concert. Island ryhthm with accompanying Cello. Organically classical. Like an artist businessman.

Why are there fuzzy pillows in my office?

Hope you had a brilliant day.

I'm having a spoonful of honey in my Theraflu.

Goodnight, Beautiful...
Goodnight, Strender


11.14.2009

303--Village


Watched a lot of tv this week. Sal said the pilot of V reminded him of the Great Controversy, a book by Ellen White. I was hooked right away.

Also watched Glimpse of Eternity with Ian McCormack, Dan's recommendation. I'm about to watch it again (There's a link at the bottom of this post).

I watch the tv my friends watch. It's the way I shop for anything else. I figure I'll probably enjoy what the people I like enjoy.

Sometimes, though, I have to beware what things I can't afford to let in at a particular time. Like for some reason the sitcom 'Friends' has been tough for me to watch. I find myself becoming way more sexual and sarcastic as I identify with the lives of the main characters. I noticed I was making different jokes, laughing at different jokes and less careful in my thoughts about sexuality.

I even noticed that I'm not affected that way by an episode or two. But the way I watch tv, it's a whole season at a time, and the continuity of the story intertwines with moral fiber. The tapestry shows color lines instead of color spots---a more sustained impact on choice patterns. Makes me think about the way habits are formed. I'm told it takes repetition of about 21 days to create a new habit-groove in the brain.

When forced to be still, as I have been this week, I notice many thoughts about priority. With energy supply restricted, we do only what must be done, and conserve energy from those things that aren't necessary. It's like spending money or any other resource. When we have less, we spend differently.

That reminds me, Andrey's going to teach me how to create and execute next year's budget. We start on that next week. It's go time. We're down to 30 days from a huge adventure.

Yesterday, around 5, Wanee called and asked if it was ok to bring over some Thai Vegetarian soup from Yai (nearby restaurant). The soup was delicious, and company delightful. Thank you, Wanee.

Then Dan stopped by and we drove to Burbank for Chipotle and conversation. Two full meals within three hours, and there was room for more. I guess my appetite is back, and that's great news. Feels like this cold or whatever is on its way out.

Already today, Cecilia checked to see if I need anything and I asked if she could just play with Vegas. I haven't been able to play with him much this week. I'm sure he's bored.

What would I do without my friends? It takes a village to shape a man.



Goodnight, Beautiful...
Goodnight, Strender

11.12.2009

305--Caldo


What a beautiful day!

I'm not talkative cause I've had a cold and fever the last 4 days. So I'm just gonna lie here and keep watching tv. I watched the entire first season of Arrested Development. Hulu is amazing!

Irma brought me soup yesterday. She set it on the desk and then she sat down and said "I'm gonna sit here while you finish that."

I love that I have friends who bring soup when I'm sick. And I love that after 20 years of friendship, she knows me well enough to know that the soup could have sat on my desk for 2 hours before I got to it.

I probably wouldn't have told Irma I was feeling ill, except for something Nathan said in his sermon last Sabbath. His third point stressed the importance of receiving love as well as giving it. He said a few things in that 45-minute truth session that got to me.

It really was a beautiful day today. Great weather. I got the things on my list accomplished. I talked with amazing people and got hugs when I asked for them. I bought persimmons, and those are among my favorite fruit. I wonder how my boys are doing? I know Sean's working like crazy on wedding preparations. Haven't talked to Dan in a few days. I should check in.

So yeah, I gotta go make some Theraflu--maybe I can trick my body into sleeping more than 4 hours tonight.













Goodnight, Beautiful...
Goodnight, Strender

11.09.2009

308--Stunning!


Uploaded artwork for "Smoke & Alcohol" to Reverbnation for digital distribution. I'll let you guys know when the single goes live on Itunes. Thanks for the photoshop lesson, Leslie.

Arrived at the DMV just before two. The line spilled out the door, around the side of the building, then on down the sidewalk! Fortunately, I was prepared. Good reading in my shoulder bag. I keep my bible in there no matter what, every day. Today I also had the book Susan lent me, "Too soon Old, Too late Smart." Between paragraphs, I chatted with the guy in front of me in line, guitarist Josh Robinson, just off tour from the UK with his band The Rainman Suite.

Later in the day, excellent dinner at Thai Palms. I tried the Green curry..."mild, please." I'm a spice-wuss.

What do you say to someone beautiful when she feels invisible? I find it scary. If I tell her she's beautiful will she think I want to start something with her? Can I tell her that and mean it sincerely in the context of friendship? Can I bear the honor of appreciating her beauty without intent or attempt to possess it?

I remember my failed attempts to protect without possession. I remember how often compliments are refused because accepting them might imply further expectation. Have we become so scared of commitment that we refuse connection? Have we become so scared of abandonment that a compliment is a lie until proven? How many are the beautiful ones who never get told?

Sister, you are beautiful. I'm not only talking to one person, but to several. I have been blessed to know incredibly beautiful women, and I hope you know that's what I think of you. I'm being neither polite nor forward--just telling you what I see. Please dismiss the condemnations or comparisons that sent you into hiding. Let Him dismiss them for you.

You are a stunning creature.















Goodnight, Beautiful...
Goodnight, Strender


11.08.2009

309--how do your structures serve you?


Structure. I'm hearing that word a lot these days. Both internal and external conversations. You know how when you really need something, you start seeing it everywhere? Well I guess my life needs structure at this point, because it keeps coming up in conversation. I've noticed these conversations for several years, actually. I'm just now taking inventory of what structures I want to keep and which modify, and which discard.

How do your structures serve you? What are your rhythms? Which are automated and which still need a system of check, balance and accountability to ensure their completion? How are you setting yourself up to win?
















Pick A Chapter--Psalm 5

Goodnight, Beautiful...
Goodnight, Strender


11.05.2009

312--Just another day


I had a couple of amazing family interactions last night. Dinner with Jeremy, whom I've known over a year and just now deepening relationship as I prepare for departure. Watched Fireproof with a family that has welcomed me as one of them and I am so grateful to have place on as many sofas as I do. Fireproof says something that deserves attention. The Lord is good and His mercy endures forever.

This morning I'm waking slowly. The day picks up momentum at 10 and carries all the way 'til bedtime, so I'm taking my time about getting started. I was laying here watching Xmen Evolution, when I got a call from one of the Nine. I've heard from 4 of them in the last 24 hours. It is an amazing thing to be in such profound camaraderie with men of this caliber. Just to watch and hear what God is doing in these 9 lives is inspiration enough. These men are living victory upon victory.

Got pulled over because my left rear brake light is out. Went out at night with Andrey for Vietnamese soup. Attended my last church board meeting for a while.

















Pick A Chapter--Genesis 2

Goodnight, Beautiful...
Goodnight, Strender



11.04.2009

313--Clearfire


One of my coaching clients has a book in which he daily writes things he's grateful for. He shared that this practice re-draws his view of the world and his perspective on faith. "Discouragement cannot live in a heart that's grateful..."

Nor can anger, for that matter. High-desert conversation with General came to a similar conclusion. Gratitude quenches the fire.

About 4 years ago I envisioned my anger as a yellow-orange ball of flame, engulfing, obscuring my vision, motivating actions that neither serve nor protect. I remember a conversation with God where I noticed that as He spoke, the wind of His Spirit seemed to corral the flames and cool them. I watched colors change to red, then violet, then blue, white, and finally clear. Clear, invisible, unmistakably powerful.

The yellow flame had engulfed me entirely, noisy and turbulent. The clear flame, dime-sized, held perfectly still in my stomach, a nuclear reactor on a leash.

A power source unlike anything I experienced before and very much akin to joy, as though anger and joy are related by the turn of a coin-face. It enables some kind of detection mechanism--properly tended, it warns of danger, even self-betrayal.

When I neglect tending the clear flame, it regresses through color changes back to white, back to blue, back to violet, red, growing larger and more diffused with each transition, damaging more of me and those nearby. The clear flame doesn't damage---it actually heals.

I don't offer explanations for what I saw. There was a knowing that came with it. I knew that whereas the former yellow-tongued anger was an external force that came upon me and left at whim, this clear source was a permanent resident, my responsibility to tend, to be accessed by will and not whim, to be used for healing and not destruction.

When I say that the last several weeks I've been dealing with anger, I'm saying that I've been regressing toward rage, destructive emotion born of fear.

Mixed applications of gratitude and humility catalyze the return to loving, calm, clear fire.













Pick A Chapter--Isaiah 54

Goodnight, Beautiful...
Goodnight, Strender

11.03.2009

314--What are we waiting for?



In the car on the way back, Scott asked what seemed most useful from the lecture. I said "I don't know."

Attended a lecture this morning at Fuller seminary, featuring theologian Nicholas Wolterstorff and artist-scholar Marcia McFee. A theologian interested in art and an artist interested in theology--I win both ways.

I thoroughly enjoyed the experience and I know it affected me profoundly. But I cannot articulate what it is that I learned. I suspect I'll recognize traces of it in moments of epiphany yet to come.

Spent the rest of the day designing worship flow for this Sabbath. Ryan's playing guitar and singing with us this week.

Now I'm sitting on Sean's couch, listening to the shouts of the soccer players in the nearby field, debating whether or not to put on a movie. I'll probably just fall asleep. Maybe I'll enjoy the first 14 minutes before I do.

We have a place for me to stay in December, but no place for Vegas yet. I asked God about that and was told to wait. I trust that He is providing everything that we'll need, but it's tough to not make phone calls when that's the way I know how to get things done. I can make a call and a request and use my ability as a communicator and networker. Why is He telling me to wait? There's not much time left.

Preparing for the transition, I'm being told to not rely on the old ways, or the familiar paths, but to bring my concerns to Him and wait while He provides.

Zechariah 4:6 is constantly on my mind these days. I think it's being brought to me for more than provision at this time. Also for protection. And possession. I think I know what that means, but I'm not sure it's for sharing.

Hope you had a great day. See you tomorrow. I enjoy praying for you and your concerns. I'm not just saying that politely. It's one of my greatest honors, just so you know.

Goodnight, Beautiful...
Goodnight, Strender

11.02.2009

315--Bluesman



Tonight Irma joined the Red Room Community. She visited the studio as Dave and I were editing Seize The Moment. A few other folks stopped by. It was great to meet everyone, Kris, Stephen, Lisa, Nikki, Heather, nice people.

Noticed something interesting tonight. There's a lot of blues in the music that flows through me. I've noticed this before and might have mentioned it once or twice. Even when I'm singing another style of music, the way I phrase words and bend notes is a blues thing.

As we're listening to Smoke and Alcohol, Kris says to me and Nikki, "This is southern; this is blues."

Whence cometh this? I grew up in the Caribbean and then went to Napa Valley, Hawaii, and Oregon.

There's a bluesman inside.
This would explain my love of hats.

Pick A Chapter--Genesis 1

Goodnight, Beautiful...
Goodnight, Strender