Adult magazines don't do anything for me anymore. Or computer images. There's nothing there. In fact, I'm a little repulsed by those images. I still give them a wide berth, lots of room to go around in the other lane. But those images don't do anything for me anymore.
My imagination is capable of all manner of extrapolation. For a while after the 2-dimensional images lost value, there was still the thrill of stolen glances (or robbed stares) at the women I met in real life. What's the harm? She doesn't even know I looked at her that way and filed an image in my database for retrieval at some other convenient moment.
I'm a weak man. That I survived that battle long enough to win it, is proof to me that Grace is at large among us. I think of the man who wrote the hymn "Amazing Grace." He's also quoted as saying "I am an amazing sinner, but God is an amazing savior..."
Yeah, I can relate to that.
Then the battle moved up a notch. After it was virtual strangers, or stolen visuals, it moved on to good, nice church girls. Godly women and emotional dependence. I mean, come on, I'm not getting physical or even stealing mental images for sexual gratification. I'm just being friends and sharing....sharing...quality time, words of affirmation, intimacies that should not be given to someone else's wife. And that's who they are, even if they're not married yet--they're somebody else's wife.
I can even rationalize that since I don't have a wife, I have to be able to outlet these emotions somewhere, right? Funny thing about rationalizations--they work because we want them to. While I lie to myself, I know that's what I'm doing. I'm doing it so I can have my cake and eat it, cause I like cake, don't you?
Eventually, I had to face the fact I'm being grossly inappropriate in emotional dependency with my "not-wives," and whatever consolation I took in being physically appropriate is completely overwhelmed in the sadness of hurting someone I dearly love through misplaced emotional intimacy.
Ok, so what's the current battlefront? What's today's new and improved temptation? What are my present opportunities for rebellion? Well, all of the above and a particularly potent newbie. It's this lingering thought that maybe I should just take what's available and be satisfied. Not for need of physical comfort, although I miss that, or for want of emotional connection, although that is an incredible gift. It's because of a desperate desire for spiritual union that I find myself imagining scenarios in which I help God fulfill His promise to me.
I'm being vague, but hear me if you have the ears for it. The thought that I might improve on His plan, that I can do this better, is what got me here in the first place. Having bumped and bruised my way here, I'm more inclined to camp with Job at this time--He gives, He takes, blessed be the name of the Lord.
In musical context, I enjoy the saying, "do something once, it's a mistake, do it twice--it's jazz!" But in matters of disobedience I say "do it once, it's a mistake, do it twice it's another mistake...keep doing it, that's just stupid."
Taking every thought captive means just that. Every thought. Self-pity on lock-down. Entitlement imprisoned. Build a stronghold of Obedience around familiar territories of discontent.
I just spent an amazing evening in conversation and ice-cream (a little known, ancient, far underestimated, but now revived vehicle of worship) with some of the most incredible humans anywhere. So I'm hopped-up on Joy and good relations. Or maybe that's just sugar.
My car battery is giving out. I might need a ride to work in the morning. Better get some shut-eye so I'm up early enough to know if I need to carpool and have time enough to make that call.
Bought airline ticket for CA last night so I'm set for travel to the next concert.
Goodnight, Beautiful...
Goodnight, Strender
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