355---Taking a walk

Two years ago when Ryan asked me to lead the church in worship, I was hesitant.

Just because I enjoy worship doesn't mean I want to lead people. I'm perfectly content sitting or standing in the back with my hands outstretched and my eyes closed, having a private God-moment in public. 

There's a difference between singing and leading songs. 

There's a difference between leading songs and worshiping. 

There's a difference between worshiping and leading worship. 

I asked Ryan not to call me the Worship Leader; Lead Worshiper seems more attainable. Either way, it disrupts my worship experience. I don't get to close my eyes and just be with God. I don't get to drift away and bask. I have to keep at least one eye open and think about how to invite someone else into the experience. It's not enough to sing well or even to experience the power and presence of God. The assignment is to lead people into His presence, invite them to be immersed in His power and changed by it. 

 

I didn't care enough to do that. I'm sorry. Guys, I'm really trying to love you the best I know how. I want good things for you. I want you to feel what I feel when I close my eyes and go away. At the end of the worship time, there's a moment when my spirit returns to my body. It's almost like waking up. Sometimes I even wake up wondering "what are all these people doing here?"

I woke up 12 minutes ago from an inadequate night of sleep. My sleep has been troubled for the past few years. I'm the kid who could sleep through anything. Now I fall asleep just fine, as anyone who's watched movies with me can tell you. I fall asleep, but I don't stay asleep. I bring it up because I just read an article about depression on my DivorceCare daily email. It's about disturbed sleep patterns. 

Even though I begin this blog when I wake up, it posts every evening at 11pm. The symbolism for me is that it's the final hour before a new day. Pilgrim asked me what that means. It means I think there is about to be a significant shift in my life, and also I think the world is heading for midnight. 

Back to the worship conversation. In submitting to the call of leading worship, I accepted the responsibility to invite. After all, he who leads and no one follows is simply taking a walk. If worship is supposed to change me, will it make me more of an inviter? Am I becoming a new creature? 

These last few days it's on my heart to not just experience worship in the presence of the community, but to invite the community into that experience for themselves. That's going to require a new skillset. I know how to jump into things. I don't know how to get people to jump in with me. 

OK, that's not entirely true. I know how to get people to jump in--I just lack the compassion. Will this be the story of my life, a man who adventured, but alone?

I'm leading worship at Hollywood Adventist in 3 days. I'm going to invite a community to worship with me. 'Cause if I'm gonna worship alone, then I'm not a worship leader. Let me go to the mountains and sing to the trees. 

O my Lord, please help me. 

Goodnight, Beautiful...

Goodnight, Strender.