My waking prayer today:
"Father, please receive my dedication yet again. Receive my life another time. I keep taking it back. I want you to have complete control, I say I'm giving you control, and that lasts a few minutes before I try to take it back again. Forgive me, it's residual. There is still some part of me that thinks I could pilot this thing better than you. There is still some part of me that thinks if I were navigating, I could do all the right things and still have money and power and the woman I crave. And there is still some deceitful part of me that thinks I can give you just enough of me to trick you into giving me all of you, then switch out at the last second. Take all of me, please. We'll probably have to do this again tomorrow, and several more times today. Matthew 6:33 isn't asking me to build your kingdom in exchange for what you supply, but rather in assurance of what you supply. I am not bargaining with you. I'm just going to give you my best and receive what you give with contentment and gratitude. It's not like I could catch up to you. you've already given more than I could comprehend."
Had a one-hour conversation with Tim Sweeney today about ways to build a community of music listeners. I'm registered for his Music Strategies Workshop next June in Las Vegas. Made a call to Chaplain Sam Leonor hoping I can share some music with Loma Linda University.
"I Kissed Dating Goodbye," Chapter 4, Counterculture Romance. My friend and I both slacked off on reading over the weekend. I ended up watching spy movies yesterday. Bourne Ultimatum, Eagle Eye, and then about 6 episodes of Alias.
Came out of seclusion once yesterday, for a walk with Vegas. We met this lovely lady with gorgeous red hair. She said I should attach his leash to a harness instead of a collar so I'm not yanking on his neck all the time. Made sense to me, so I did. Maggie at Tailwaggers was awesome helping us figure out the right size of harness and then showing us how to put it on.
I'm becoming more and more sensitive to violence and sex onscreen. This is sort of a bummer for me, because I like watching this stuff. It feeds my internal savagery and I like it. As I'm talking with my friend this morning about the effect pornography has on mind and spirit, I articulate that I want to not only remove impurity but install purity, and that's a different set of standards.
We often think about health as the absence of sickness. But health is its own condition. There is a level of purity above "not dirty." You know what, that's why I don't want to be transparent. If I just think these thoughts privately, no one needs to know that I hold myself to these standards. And when I mess up, I can pretend to be jaded and act like I'm ok with my choices. But if I say it out loud, people will know when I mess up, when I've disappointed my own standards. It's socially cool to be "not impure." It's not socially cool to be pure.
Will this journey take away every thing I enjoy? Am I gonna find myself a year from now, sitting on a rough-hewn board in a backwoods cabin, chewing raw barley, watching Veggie-Tales? For whatever I lay down, what will I pick up in its stead? Do I get to keep Lord of the Rings? Harry Potter?
Is this just for a season, is it just for this year, or for after that as well? Maybe after living this way a year, I won't have the desire to come back? Am I turning into the Christian I used to make fun of? I think I am.
Also did a photo-shoot today. Leslie Foster, Photographer. Julia Alty, Hand Model. It's the shot for "Road Trip," the next single coming out. This song has had so many titles already. Today I was looking at the images Les shot and I'm thinking "The Border?" Maybe this song will just have a different title every so often and that's ok.
We planned to have it out by November first. Might happen, might not. Death visited our family and one of us has to go home and say goodbye to a loved one. I could go ahead and finish the song on my own--it's far enough along. But I'd rather wait and finish with my team. I don't know--just seems like what I want to do.
Now I'm going to get food. It's one of my weakest links, not feeding myself. I was doing so well, Cathy would have been proud. Last couple weeks I'm severely slacking.
What do funky-colored socks have to do with home-schooling? I'll tell you about that tomorrow.
Goodnight, Beautiful
Goodnight, Strender...
"I'm becoming more and more sensitive to violence and sex onscreen....I'm becoming more and more sensitive to violence and sex onscreen."
ReplyDeleteThis is beautiful. I realized the very same thing recently. I've realized that it is Christ working in me to change my heart towards Him. I want to be more like Christ in the way I think and act. I have also realized that the way to do this is to fill my mind with Christ. Thus, I am much more sensitive to what I watch, read, and listen to.
I still find it awkward because, like you, I really enjoyed those movies.