There are people in our lives that make us a better person having known them; for me, that is Lennox. We can go months, even years in some cases, without talking, but have the kind of friendship where we can pick up ages of absent conversation and continue without drama and without reserve. We have always had realness in our conversations that I love and that I have grown accustomed and even demand. I have known him a decade and still feel I only know him just barely.
However, given that long span of time, I have come to know in part, if not wholly, what makes him tick. He is deep, eccentric, fun, serious, driven, relaxed, random, purposeful, talented, humble, and a string of other appropriate adjectives I cannot even begin to list. But perhaps the most important quality I have witnessed over these recent years is Len’s strong sense of conviction and purpose even if he feels otherwise at times. The greatest source of frustration as his friend is hearing about his journey to win back his wife. I feel as if I have been on the front row with popcorn horrified watching the train wreck that is his conviction: Suzanne.
I am certainly a fan of taking the road less travelled and less populated. That road can get mighty lonely and make you want to run to the nearest highway just for the company. I get it. I understand that. At times, I have tried my hardest to be his cheerleader. To encourage, be Christ-like by upholding a brother. I may not currently practice anything in the way of religion, but I know enough being raised in church that I would never question someone’s truth. I know I want to discount it just to save him the grief, but that would put me in dangerous territory, spiritually speaking, and I really do not need that kind of negative attention from Him.
Lennox heard from God, and obeyed. Seems so simple, yet I can’t even stick to a hair color so I have no real measuring stick with which to compare personally. In the spirit of full disclosure, I must confess that I am relieved that I have not been “blessed” with my own particular truth/revelation/prophecy/fortune cookie enlightenment (insert whatever word best suits you). Additionally, I am not a divorcee which makes this exclusive club off-limits or at the very least makes me hesitate to proffer advice when it can be so easily refuted. However, I will say that I think I share in the same feelings when it comes to all those who love Lenny. We just do not get it, and if we do get it, we feel really helpless.
Perhaps, I am just a too realistic when it comes to matters of the heart. I have wanted to reason with him, to talk him out of it, to understand it, to support him and sometimes to not even broach the subject because I know I cannot fake any more platitudes. It is more than a little difficult to stand by watching while a dear friend undertakes a seemingly suicidal mission.
On the other hand, years go by, and I do not do anything. I watch as he makes life decisions based upon a revelation that he should win his wife back. Not by your atypical means of winning the heart of a woman. There are no flowers. No grand gestures. No gesticulating. No primal need to fulfill his sense as a man. It is much more subtle than that. It is spiritual. It is conviction. It is infuriating.
I come to situations with a refreshing (read: caustic) take on relationships. I remove emotion and view it firmly on action versus inaction. That is part of the beauty with Lennox. He lets me remove the veneer and get straight down to the issue. Viewing this situation in the same vein it makes me just a little crazy because I want to tell him to jump from the car heading for the cliff.
I feel life is made from choices. Every minute is a choice, every breath is a choice. We either are conscious or unconscious during the deciding, but decide we do. There is no such thing as fate, soul mates or luck. On the other hand, who does not want to see a happy ending? That perfect special someone completely completing you in their own unique specialness made just for you. It is only human to wish for such serendipity.
I recently asked Lennox if he ever questioned what he heard versus what he thought he heard. I have seen many a person slap God on a huge and horrible decision, only to change their “revelation” when things absolutely imploded. I knew that is not what Lennox is about, but as he explained himself I felt as if I could comprehend a little of the journey he undertook and continues to undertake. I cannot relate whatsoever!
Do not get me wrong. Like I said earlier, whenever we venture into this topic I usually leave with a heavy heart, so sad for him; but in the same sense he makes me want to have such a conviction, such a purpose …. But thankfully the feeling passes before I take it too seriously!
God spoke to Lennox and I do not doubt that. I believe it is his Truth. If it is his Truth, then I will not dare question it. I will be on the path with my dear talented friend until the end, whatever that may look like. If that Truth took a turn or if that Truth transmogrified into something else I will be there for my brother without the “I told you so” on my lips. I will encourage, support and uphold him to the highest standard. I cannot judge someone for the path he leads. Who am I to say what is right or wrong in any given situation?
Perhaps, I have a better view from my box seat in the stadium, but perspective is unique to the individual. I may foresee what is easiest, but not what is right. I have no idea if this will turn out in Lennox’s favor or not, nor does he, but he never wavers. In the end, it really does not matter what I think, but what I do, and I refuse to be anyone’s excuse to fail.
I thought it appropriate to close with a passage, especially since he and I saw this movie so long ago.
"And that's the way of a real tale. Take any one that you're fond of. You may know, or guess, what kind of a tale it is, happy-ending or sad-ending, but the people in it don't know. And you don't want them to."
— J.R.R. Tolkien
Wow, Shelly!
ReplyDeleteSo the first smart-ass thing that comes to mind is, you mean to tell me you were actually listening during those conversations? I mean, you describe my heart position rather well.
One thing, I am not trying to win my wife back. And I don't think this is the time or venue to get into the question, "can you win back what was never yours to begin with?"
On top of that, the continually unfolding self-discovery that Suzanne was right about me in so many ways. There's just a ton of work I have to do on myself or allow God to do on me. I keep seeking the living, organic equilibrium between waiting on God and doing with power. For example, He's not going to practice my scales for me today, no matter how fervently I pray about it.
The challenge that's facing me currently is that I have chosen not to remarry, but as you very well know, I'm a gregarious, connection-seeking, introvert. 2 out of those 3 are bent toward marriage. The challenge to which I've set my face is to design and live a Joyful, Grateful, Serving life that is based in Love and Faith, and do that while I remain single.
Can we talk for real, girl? I gotta figure out how to love without sex. Without it leading to sex. Without it creating a tension. Without it creating imaginations.
I think some of the best advice I've gotten is from my buddy Sean Amlaner and my new friend Kristin Korb, both of them amazing musicians: "Put it in the music!"
That's what I'm trying to do.
Shell, now that our debate has gone public, I should thank you for saying out loud what many are thinking but wouldn't have said.