102-What I need pt. 2

At lunch yesterday, Yannis described a workout based on driving your muscles to the point of complete failure. To the point where you can’t even hold your hands up.

I think this is happening to me spiritually. I can’t keep this up. There’s no way I can plan on living alone surrounded by pretties, always serving, always protecting (even from myself) never possessing. This is impossible. But it is my mission, should I choose to accept it.

I’ve lost sight of my own mission statement for some time now. Don’t remember it happening. I don’t think there was an event. It’s been gradual and I needed today’s power surge to snap my attention to the facts of the situation. I chose to accept this mission. I put my hand to the plow.

Still sitting here on the floor at Caesar’s Palace. Pretty girls still walking by. I still notice them. I’m still a Christian man, not yet a Christian corpse.

I notice you, so if you care, don’t stop being beautiful, just be aware I’m tempted to try and possess you. I have a lot of thoughts to share on the difference between Protecting and Posessing, and the call of the spirit to one, and the call of flesh to another.

If you get how much of a daily struggle this is for me, help me with this. Don’t distance yourself and judge me pervert. This cycle of woman-disgust and man-shame, it’s not helping either of us, is it?

I think it’s important to share some of these feelings because there’s a prevailing idea that when a man submits to Christ, his sexuality evaporates into nothing and he becomes a tame house-cat.

I think the truth should be told that I am having to choose daily to live in congruence with my intention, that I feel the same craving as another man, and the only difference being in Christ makes is that I’m choosing to submit to his standard of what I need instead of my standard of what I want.

I’m tempted beyond what I can bear. Yet I have this knowing that I will get through, in spite of my tired weakness. He who has begun a good work in me will be faithful to complete it. And it is him at work in us both to will and to do the right thing.

Here is verse 2 of a song I wrote a few years ago, right after my divorce:

There’s an angel watching over me

though I do not know her name

and I can’t see where I’m goin

gonna get there just the same

you know I’m gonna live forever

or at least until I die

I love you, beautiful

No more hiding, strender. At least, not today.