I'm failing at Discipline. Woke up exhausted. That's cause I stayed up too late. I saw my bedtime coming and watched it go past. Why do I let simple choices like that trip me up?
For some reason, self-care is an actual battle for me. I know what I need to do; it's not for lack of awareness that I watched it go by.
I need a more compelling reason than discipline. I've believed that once you know the "why".... "how" will present itself.
Maybe this is linked to my latest instructions?
So here I sit, facing 15 hours of tired to which I could have supplied more energy simply by turning off the machine earlier. Now the grueling is my choice and I must face it with all that I can muster.
On a different topic, I miss having someone here when I get back. General stayed with me for two months! What an amazing brother! I'd come home and he would have made tea already or done the dishes already. He'd ask me about anything that looked suspicious as far as time spent alone with a woman. That's probably the thing I value most about our friendship. He was like a bodyguard in that way. Lots of friends say they'll hold you accountable, but when it comes time to ask the hard questions, they hem and haw, at best. Usually it's after the fact when one thing has led to another, that's when they pipe up that they knew all along this was coming. At which point I'm thinking two things:
1. Why didn't you say something?
2. Ultimately it's my choice and I made the wrong one, so I feel guilty and can't say anything to you about not holding me accountable since I didn't hold myself accountable, so at this point I'll just be quiet and say nothing at all.
Weird how my mind works. So random. Right now I'm thinking of a friend who died at 38 of a heart-attack. Very healthy looking. By all appearances, in the prime of good health. But working too hard and sleeping too little.
I'm going to work now. I'll be praying for a stronger "Why."
I need a better reason to be in bed at 9 tonight.
Have a good day, Beautiful...
Do what you know is right, Strender
Why? How about 'just because I have to get up early'? :)
ReplyDeleteI stay up late when I can sleep in. Sometimes I have that luxury. Others, I don't. I think you take better care of yourself than you give credit. You've come a long way, my friend. Bet you ate yesterday, even if you fell short on sleep. Yes?
Have a good day, Beautiful man. You are loved.
Dr. Olivia,
ReplyDeleteyeah, see that's logical. I get that, totally. I have to get up early so I need to have enough time resting so that I'm not tired tomorrow. This all makes great sense to me. But for some reason, the connect from logical and sensible to active, and better, proactive...that's the connection I'm missing. I'm looking into the reasoning. I spent quite a bit of time that day exploring my why, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually.
Drawing conclusions, forming still.
You're right--I've come a long way. Thanks for reminding. You are an important part of that journey. That you would remind me to eat made it important in my mind, realizing it was important to someone else who does not stand to benefit as directly as I do. Thanks for that. Between you and Christine and Cathy, I have these reminder voices in my mind that ask me "what did you eat today?" ...and that gets me to action.