155--editing

when I started this journey, I said I'd think out loud. I promised to share what's going on inside without editing. Leslie said, "we're always editing..."

So true, Leslie. So true. Last night I let myself speak unedited. I ranted at a concert audience about the things I feel and fear. In the middle and at the end, I am sure that I trust God to see me through or to bury me well, but I am struck with the reality of opposing forces catching me in a crossfire. Large supernatural entities both want me dead. And I don't feel like fighting anymore. I preached a sermon on warfare a month or 6 weeks ago. Then I spoke about forgiveness. Today I feel like neither. I'm going to lead worship in 3 hours and then 10 hours after that, I'll be part of a concert featuring also Libby Sturtevant, Isaac Sturtevant, Maria Papazoglou, Brian Lauritzen. I've become more aware of my feelings. Interestingly, as that awareness grows, I also find I'm more aware of my knowledge. I know what I know. Can't explain it. Doesn't make sense to anyone when I try. But in all fairness, doesn't make sense to me either. Last night I said to my brother David, I have thoughts every day of calling up some girl and using her for my comfort and attaching her heart and dumping my pain on her so I can enjoy the illusion, even for a few moments, that I'm happy. But I know better. Even though I feel like quitting three or four or all of my highest callings, I still know better. I know that a man like me came to the crossroads 2ooo years ago, and made the choice to die by what he knew, rather than live by what he felt. I don't feel like I can make that choice, but I know I have to. It's what He would do--It's what He did. And I feel something stronger than my pain. In this my feelings and knowledge come to unity. I want to be like that man. I've not met another that I believe in as much. Come to think of it, I haven't met Him either. Funny. But I believe He did this, and it's the best example I have of manhood, tested, tried, consistent. I have a horrible sore throat and my spirit is weary. I want to quit. I'll be careful not to speak today as I lead worship. My feelings may get in the way of the job. I am made to worship, whether I feel like it or not.

Usually when I feel this way, I simply retire to solitude and tell God how I feel so that by the time I come back to tell you guys what's going on, He's lifted me back to my feet and I'm ready for another battle. And I realized the injustice of that. If I only communicate when I'm Strender, I'm allowing the illusion that I'm always strender, which is not true. It would take energy to edit my thoughts right now and I don't have that energy, so I'm just letting my fingers think out loud and then I'll post.

Feel what you feel, Beautiful...

Live what you know, Strender