146--Self-Medication

Despair. Lust. Selfishness. Ingratitude. Sugar. Alcohol.

These are what keep me awake right now. I have grown dissonant against God's will. I know better. I was choosing obedience, but grumbling the way my dog does when I tell him to get off the couch. And again I'm reminded how disobedience is progressive, because this weekend I find myself not even choosing obedience.

I cannot sleep tonight because of the thoughts in my mind and the sugar in my body. Had a beer Saturday night. Loved it. I enjoy a good beer, but the thing is, I broke a promise to myself. That promise wasn't about self-punishing purity, it was about rendering optimum performance capacity.

Optimum performance capacity. This is an idea for a winner, for one striving toward victory. Lately here I'm not trying to win. I'm trying to survive. I don't want to win, because I don't think I can anymore. Truthfully, I have lost hope. By a miracle of grace, I still have faith, but hope is gone from me. I believe God's promise at some cellular level and in this moment I'm choosing to believe enough to sweep up the dirt and depression I've lived in the past couple weeks so I can enter this week with renewed purpose.

Pride. I get to where I think I'm doing pretty good and then I start thinking I can autopilot this thing. I start thinking I can do this by myself. My reliance on Christ doesn't disappear instantly, just gradually and subtly until again I wake up with my hands on the wheel and my fender in a ditch.

Let Forgiveness be quick and Mercy at my side. Lord, forgive me for taking matters into my own hands, for doubting your promise, for giving in to despair. I am still sad, but also grateful. Again I remember your kindness. Sweeter than sugar, and better for my sleep.