337---Not alone

...just got back from seeing Armen G in concert at the Nokia Theater with a crowd of over 6000. Armen G, short for Armenchik Gondrachyan. Amazing voice. Wow!  A two-hour concert of incredible singing. Vienna and I were there as Sarine's guests--she sang backup tonight. 

Last Thursday Brian treated me to a seat in the Disney Concert Hall downtown for the LA Philharmonic Gala welcoming Gustavo Dudamel as Music Director. Brianne and I had perfect seats. We could see Dudamel's face--every expression, every outburst of joy. He conducts without restraint, with passionate abandon that's inspiring to watch. 

Still battling loneliness. Not so much during the day. There's a lot to do each day. From the moment I wake up, there's a list waiting to be checked off. I can stave off loneliness in the momentum of daily activity. But it's waiting as faithfully as my dog when I get home. 

I laid down Friday night and fell asleep peacefully. After a few hours I woke up, restless. It's challenging to be alone and remind myself to be more faithful than my options, to not pick the low-hanging fruit.  I keep my phone further from my bed than my bible. That's because when I feel lonely, I can't afford to call some girl, pretending to be there for her, but really just wanting the comfort of pseudo-relationship. 

Heck, I could make it socially acceptable. I could say, "I was just thinking about you and wondering how you're doing." I could be there for her and listen to her, but the truth is that I'd be doing it to fill a void with a counterfeit. I guess I've just come to a point where I want real or nothing. 

And even if I don't actually call some girl, I can just lay here and imagine, right? Am I really seeking purity at the level of my thoughts? Who would know the difference? 

I can't afford to play with the thought even for a little while, because I can feel my resolve weakening per second. Bible at arm's reach. I got up, turned the light on, started reading and praying. Sent text messages to two of the Nine: "I'm under fire. Holding. Praying and Reading right now!"

They both got back to me. One texted, the other called. I learned to call my brothers a while back when I was reviewing game tape in my head. How did my enemy take me out? Several forms of cunning deceit. For one thing, I was alone. I wanted to be alone. If I'd let anyone close enough, they would have noticed the incongruence between my words and actions. If I kept people far enough, those who notice could be quickly distanced. 

Looking back at how my addictions trapped me, one of the glaring holes in my defense was the lack of accountability. I'm not talking about some guys who exchange platitudes and polite encouragement. I'm talking about people who will ask you direct questions. Men who skip the euphemisms. 

This road I'm on isn't wide enough at the turns for nice people. As I was selecting the Nine, I thought of Odysseus as he's about to pass by the Sirens. He tells his men to tie him up and stop their ears with beeswax so they cannot themselves be ensnared by the siren song. He tells them not to release him even if he begs. I need men like that with me on this journey. If I tell you it's too hard, don't give me an easier way. Remind me that I wanted to be obedient. 

I'm not gonna pretend this is easy. Doubt and discomfort lay in wait for me almost every night. Because He is gracious, God gives me an answer to dispatch them, but they'll be back. This time, however, I'm not alone. I've got the Nine. I've got my family. I've got amazing friends who send me emails like the one today reminding me that I'm being prayed for even when I don't send out a request. 

I once wrote a song called Bring It On. Sang that thing in public--had no clue what I was saying, and to whom. He brought it. I got my behind whupped, in public. Quick tip, even if you have good brothers, you still have to pick up that phone and call when you need them. Don't think about it too long. Just do it. You let it go too long, you'll start to rationalize. You know what I'm talking about. With every temptation a way of escape, but you gotta take it, right?

In other news, a church has just recently decided to partner with me in ministry. One of the benefits is that people can now make tax-deductible donations to the church on behalf of my music ministry. That's exciting. 

I was at the Fade Inn the other day waiting for a haircut and while I waited I got a phone call from Kharla, who had just walked out of a restaurant in Los Banos where she's working on setting up a concert gig for me. Thanks for thinking of me, Kharla. 

OK, time to go to sleep. 

Goodnight, Beautiful...

Goodnight, Strender.