327---Rollercoaster

Emotional rollercoaster today. All over the place. I'm sure sleep deprivation is a major contributor to this phenomenon.

As I think about worship and what it means, an unlikely worship leader comes to my attention. Martin has a deep passion for the care and maintenance of church property. He's handy and available with hammer and drill, paintbrush or broom, working tirelessly to make this place look its best. If care and improvement of this property is an expression of worship, Martin's service would qualify as leading worship, would it not?

His latest project is the repainting of the interior walls. Same color as before, just a fresh coat. I couldn't have imagined what a difference that would make. It's like a coat of newness has begun in the foyer and now spreads down the hall, leaving in it's wake the promise of beginning again. Do my eyes delude me? Can a wave of praise be borne throughout on the stroke of a brush?

Martin, a lead worshiper, conductor of joy

I watched a movie today from 1 to 3pm. Threw my emotions into a spin. Exiting the parking structure, I drove into a gorgeous sunny afternoon; my soul darker than when I'd entered. Half-hour later on IM I told Kat I felt "a smidge of anger." I'd spent 2 hours watching things I don't want to put in my eyes. Are my eyes becoming that sensitive? It's just rated R. I thought to myself, why then did you sit here for 2 hours? You could have simply walked out. My answer is what causes me anger and shame. I sat there because I didn't want to disturb my friend. I don't know...what was the right thing to do? To endure what I'm clearly not enjoying because my friend is enjoying it? After all, I am not laughing at the punchlines and I'm looking away when nudity comes onscreen, and I'm generally using this time to plan other things I'm going to do later in the day after this ordeal is over. Isn't that enough? I was angry with myself for sitting there.

I received a script today from an independent movie seeking me as an actor. There's some jaded characters and some foul language. Will I be comfortable in that setting? Should I even be sharing my thoughts today? I said I wouldn't edit. Why am I more willing to live in Dawn's words than endure the ones onscreen?

Is it that overall, I find Dawn's story redemptive? Hey, wait a minute, there might be something here. I think I didn't really find anything redemptive about the movie I just watched. And on the other hand, I'm comfortable with language in a story that holds the continuum of human strength and weakness in a balanced tension. Now I'm holding up for closer inspection the idea that God is in everything and there is redemption all around. Can I look more closely at the movie I saw today and find God in it? I can, now that I think about it more. Still, I can say certainly that I wouldn't have watched it by myself and it did things inside of me that will put me on guard the rest of the week, maybe longer.

So I'm already emotional by the time my sister Maria stopped by and showed me two of the songs off her upcoming album. They brought me to tears. It's been a while since I heard a piece of music that made me cry. I tear up when I pray. This music took me someplace akin to prayer. I tried to describe to her the pictures in my mind as I listened. I saw an underground cave, walls lined with pink and purple opalescent crystals, their glow the only light on an undisturbed single-file path disappearing under a backlit curtain of cascading water.

I prayed with several amazing people today.

To bring Wednesday to a close, I'm going to see Brian and Brianne and enjoy dinner and tv with them. Not sure if I'll laugh or cry. I'm trying only to be real.

Mission statement I wrote a few years ago, after reading Tom Voccola's "Accidental CEO:"

With stubborn love and unyielding faith, I inspire myself and others to be real. I serve God and befriend the world, using word, music, and video as instruments of relationship.

So....would I watch a movie like that again, knowing the entire time that it's costing me, knowing I'll have to heal from it for a time longer than the duration of the film? Is that what it means to be poured out? Can I trust that my spirit will be catered to on those occasions with the same tenderness that orchestrated today's visits from ministering angels, bearing prayer and healing via IM, music, email, movie script, dinner? Can I trust Him always to heal me from risks taken? When is the risk too much?

See you tomorrow.

Pick A Chapter--John 15 (Martin Salazar)

Goodnight, Beautiful...

Goodnight, Strender