Somethin' just ain't right. Even matched my socks today. Both white. Right now purity is the first thing I want to throw out the window. May as well double up this morning.
Tired and angry. Frustrated and rebellious. I don't want to let it go and I don't want to rest. I'm in a self-destructive pattern. I need to simply rest. But I want to stay angry and tired right now. I recognize the signs. I missed my day of seclusion last weekend and the weekend before, so basically this would be my third week without a weekend, and that's not ok. The pattern has become a loop.
I still am not telling you how I really feel. I'm still holding back. I feel angry because someone should be there at the end of this grueling week.
I should have someone to say "Hey, I'm exhausted" and they would say "I know how you feel."
I should have someone soft and pretty to hold on to. And I don't. And I'm angry that I don't.
I have to summon every ounce of willpower to prevent myself from calling someone to be soft and pretty on the phone with me and say that she knows how I feel. I have to not pick up the incoming call from someone who would offer me comfort. I'm angry that I have to do that. I'm angry that it takes work to be an honorable man. I'm angry that less honorable men are using someone soft and pretty to ease their pain, leaving a smouldering of bewildered wounded in their wake.
No one's making me do this. I could choose differently at any time. So why am I angry then, and at whom? Am I angry at myself for making this choice?
I don't try to sublimate it into milder versions. I think it must be directed and controlled or it will destroy everyone in the blast radius. How fights the warrior who is not angry? Should I watch the Incredible Hulk again tonight?
Someone hurt me, but she was reacting to hurt that came to her from another source, and that source was also hurt by someone else. Traced back to the beginning, it all begins with one source. That's who I'm angry at.
I have only one enemy. How convenient. The mental construct of evil personified in a devil, a place to channel my anger. Someone to be pissed off at. Except, I don't believe him to be a construct. I believe there is a malicious predator, loose among us, actively seeking our destruction.
When I'm like this, I think, "i'm hurt. What in the world would be so wrong about using someone else to absorb my pain? I'll feel better and she'll get over it (they're resilient), and if she doesn't I'll be long gone and she can inflict it on someone else."
Then I remember "that's how we all got wounded in the first place. It's got to stop somewhere. Love would not do this."
Sorry if it hurts you to know that these thoughts come to me often. Sorry if you didn't realize honor is not a foregone conclusion. It's a daily choice. I can only speak for me. I have to choose to treat my sisters with respect, moment by moment.
When I'm angry, I retire to be alone with my Father. Just like all the pain comes from one source, so with healing. Every good and perfect gift comes from above, from the Father of lights.
This may not be the best way to deal with it, but it's the only thing I see working. I'm open to suggestions. When I feel this way, I reach out to the nine, and I seclude myself with God and wait for the monster to go away.
Pick A Chapter---1 Corinthians 13 (Susan Nwankpa's pick)
Goodnight, Beautiful...
Goodnight, Strender
"When I'm angry, I retire to be alone with my Father. Just like all the pain comes from one source, so with healing. Every good and perfect gift comes from above, from the Father of lights."
ReplyDeleteI agree that this is the best way to deal with it- to seek the strength and healing from the One who had experienced pain, loneliness, and betrayal as some of us did. He is "the balm in Gilead".
For me, the words from 2 Corinthians 12:9 always echoed in my head and mind when I faced discouragement and physical exhaustion: "My grace is sufficient for thee, for my power is perfected in thy weakness".
Nothing else mattered when I heard that; I could go on living and "Fly like an eagle" like one of your songs (Isaiah 40:31).
I am reading a book called "Run with the Horses-The Quest for Life at Its Best" by Eurgene H. Peterson. In this book, Jeremiah's life is the object lesson in the quest for excellent life God individually purposed for us from the beginning. Hope to learn the secrets of living in the last days from this prophet who endured loneliness and adversity.