317--In the desert

High desert is the perfect setting for this Sabbath-afternoon conversation. I usually connect with General on the phone, because he lives in another state. Today he has a 15-hour layover in Los Angeles on his way to New York. We spent 6 of those hours together.

His profound love of cars and things mechanical, leads us on today's adventure in search of the Honda Proving Center in the Mojave desert up highway 14. Excitement beams from his face as he describes the size and purpose of this facility. He's been to Daytona, not yet seen Indy. They are both impressively huge. But the Honda Proving Center---both Daytona and Indy could fit inside the Honda proving center's 7-mile test track---that's how large this track is.

He's dreamed of racing much of his life. A month ago he was in filming as part of a cast of hopefuls on a reality show about race drivers competing for a million-dollar grand prize. Today, we're spending our only face-time in months hunting for a race track in the middle of the desert. Exactly perfect.

Took some searching, but we found it. We could tell we were on to something when we found newly paved, well-maintained asphalt in the middle of the dusty offroads that supplied nearby settlements.

Our exhilaration at the eventual discovery of the site did not wane in the least upon being turned back at the guard gate. We weren't allowed into the facility and didn't get to look around. Didn't get any questions answered.

As we drove away, I asked General if it was worth it. Without a single hesitation, he replied "Absolutely!"

I'm not into racing. In fact, I'd probably never watch it if I didn't have a friend who loves this sport so passionately. As we turned at the guard gate, I thought of Job again, chapter 23, verse 10: "He knows the road I take, when I have been tested, I'll come out golden."

We have to go through a proving process. It's just part of being ready for the road. Ryan says that God would love nothing better than to set us free in the world knowing we'd make responsible choices. In the meantime, we go through a series of carefully designed tests that reveal flaws and uncover weaknesses.

It occurred to me that not everything that happens at a proving center is public access. While the bugs are being worked out and performance being streamlined, it's ok for people to know you're undergoing testing. But they won't be able to go round the track with you and that's fine. They don't understand the obstacles you're having to negotiate, and that's ok. They don't need the details of your test regimen. They have their own tests.

At some point, though, they will benefit from the resulting excellence and superior quality of a well tested mechanism. When the testing of your faith produces endurance (James 1:3), they'll appreciate the tests you endured. Because many times your testing is not for your benefit alone, but for those who will need to rely on a higher level of performance from you.

At one point today, General and I were traveling at 127 miles per hour. At another point today we witnessed a gorgeous desert sunset. At another point today, we made record time on slices of Denny's carrot-cake. Should these be my tests today, prove me, Lord. And feel free to tweak anything else you like. I would like very much to prove reliable on the road.

Goodnight, Beautiful...

Goodnight, Strender

318--like water

Two blocks before my first stop, I spotted Andrey walking along the sidewalk, heading towards me in the opposite direction. We had planned to meet at 1:45 at the church to catch a 2:10 movie. I figured if I got a haircut at 11, I could pick up my suit from Carlos by noon and be back in time to have lunch and make the 1:45 appointment.

"Hey dude, I'm going to the bank, wanna walk with me?" He did. And waited while Alex cut my hair. Then we headed downtown to the fashion district where I picked up the black suit I'll wear to Sean's wedding. Took it across the street to the tailor's for hem and adjustments.

Quick lunch before movie, then two hours of sexy violence, which did very little for me, the sexy or the violence. It did begin yet another interesting conversation with Andrey. I've been getting to know this guy a little bit at a time over the last 4 years. Had no idea he used ride BMX freestyle! Or he's bunjee-jumped in Bali! Or he's got a black belt in Tae Kwondo and studied Aikido for years.

"You got to flow like water," he says to me. "Water will treat you the way you treat it. If you touch water gently, it will receive you gently. If you hit water hard, you will hurt your hand. Whatever the obstacle, water will come around it. And even if it runs against a stone, eventually it will either move the stone or wear it down."

I have this great memory of me and Andrey waiting on the light at Sunset and Highland, singing the line from a reggae tune..."A continual drip of water, bore a hole in stone, and Samson killed his enemies with a jackass jawbone, So we gonna keep a hittin', and a hittin' and a hittin'..."

Whatever comes around the bend, may we be graceful, like air, solid as earth.

Flow like water...

Goodnight, Beautiful...

Goodnight, Strender

320---Hush

Amazing conversations today. Reminded me of the importance of rest and focus. Reminded me what a precious resource is time. In this we are all wealthy, we have the same number of minutes each day, to use as we decide. How do you use your time? Ever spend 60 minutes and not know where it went? I wouldn't spend sixty bucks that way, yet I waste hours without a second's thought. What's my time worth? What is it worth to me?

I got great value for the 3 hours I spent with Brian and Brianne tonight. Listened to "Hush", a collaboration of Bobby McFerrin and YoYo Ma. The sheer, childish joy of it. Brian, generous as he is, gave me the cd (he happened to have an extra, unopened copy). Then we listened to Bela Fleck doing Christmas tunes. I had first encounters with The Ting Tings, The Prototypes, The Postal Service, Phish, Morcheeba, and a few others. At one point we played along to a Britney Spears song, me on Banjo and Brian on Washtub Bass.

I told Sandy she could assign me songs to cover. I've never done this, so I might suck at it, but you gotta die of something, right? So she assigned me three tunes and I'm gonna see what I can do with them. Made the mistake of telling Brian and Brianne about that challenge. So then they got a little Ipod-happy picking tunes for me to cover.

What am I getting into? Could be fun...

Goodnight, Beautiful...

Goodnight, Strender

321--Metilla

Metilla's tired, but she got me safely to Pasadena and back. Tonight was Maria's first live performance of her original music from her album currently in production. She performed very well, as did other acts Elle, Timothy Bloom, and Eric Sampson.

As I type, Vegas' head is next to my feet. We have been through some stuff together. If this dog could speak english, I'd beg him not to tell you all that he knows about me. He's seen me angry. Most people haven't. I retire alone with God when I feel this way.

Signed up for Digital Distribution through Reverbnation today. Listened to Isaac's album while I worked in the office prepping the worship flow for this week.

Early appointment tomorrow and it's 11 already, so I am out of here.

Oh yeah, Metilla's my car. She's old, and tired, but she'll do me tilla' get a better one.

Peace and MUSIC, y'all.

Pick A Chapter--Psalm 139 (Wanee Jeerapeet)

Goodnight, Beautiful...

Goodnight, Strender

322--If I stand...

In one of my favorite lyrics, Rich Mullins captures the way I'm feeling today: If I stand, let me stand on the promise that you will pull me through; If I fall, let me fall on the grace that first brought me to you...

There are people all around who need a helping hand or a listening ear. Offer that. It's an honor to serve.

Pick A Chapter--1 John 3 (Dan Nichols)

Goodnight, Beautiful...

Goodnight, Strender

323---(my) Anger?

I'm so lazy, I'll work crazy hard so I can sit around. Friday evening I had to just quit. I'd been working for 4 hours on the audio podcast (Pick A Chapter). I was recording to Garageband and then sharing to Iweb. Then I would include a link in this blog to the podcast on the Iweb site.

For some reason, however, when I clicked the link for one podcast, the audio of another would play. So I'd be clicking Psalm 3 and get James 1 instead. Finally, I got to a point on Friday where I decided to let it go for the weekend and simply enjoy a day of rest. Much needed rest.

I think of my anger like a torrent of water from a firehose. If I'm not directing it where it should go, it's just flailing about damaging anyone and everyone nearby. Thus it becomes important that I'm rested so I'm strong enough to manage the firehose.

Last night with Mickey, Mireya, Tanja, Brianna, Cecilia, Amanda and 20,000 other close friends, I watched Barry Manilow in concert at the Hollywood Bowl. Tanja commented on how unashamedly his music speaks of love and tenderness in a culture where we layer cynicism over even our most beautiful expressions.

I am now a Barry Manilow fan, also known as a 'Fanilow'--a moniker we coined in the car on the way home. Yes, these are my friends, and yes, I go out in public with them. We even danced together for Copa Cabana. That's right, ladies and gentlemen, dancing Adventists.

First thing this morning I got back to work on the podcast. There are already about 12 podcasts recorded--they're just not online because they were linking to the wrong audio somehow.

Google searched 'how to add audio clip to a blog' and came up with the necessary information in a post from Rose DesRochers.

So now I know how to do that, thank you Rose. I'll go back through the last few blogs and embed the audio for the podcast into the blog for that date. A couple extra steps but more convenient for your listening.

Also worked with Daniel Estay for a couple hours this afternoon, in preparation for a 4-song set at Pearce College in Woodland Hills. He played me one of his originals, Delilah's Song. Great tune, inspired by thought of how deeply we are impacted through our relational choices with the opposite sex, sometimes to our downfall.

We talked a bit about how as musicians we tend sometimes to not move our music along unless we are collaborating with someone else. Music is like a jigsaw puzzle to which I'm given some pieces, but not all, so that I am forced to be in relationship in order to bring the music to fullest expression. I have to learn to lead, learn to follow, to listen, to be heard. When to stand and where, and for what. When to submit.

I was planning on seeing Melinda in concert this afternoon, but I just got off a welcome one-hour phone call with one of my most beloved mentors. I haven't spoken with her in over a year.

Our conversation surfaced the interesting phenomenon that about every 3 weeks the illusion of my anger comes to visit me. She says it's not mine to own. And yes, she asked the inevitable question: why?

Why do I need the anger? How does it serve me? What do I think I can't do without it? What will I forget to be or to do if I let it go?

She observed how often I'm using the word community to articulate my hazy impressions of the road ahead. It's because I cannot accomplish alone what I'm being shown.

I can't help noticing how good is God to bring her back into our conversation after no contact for such a long time, at this moment when the anger is on my desktop, and I'm ready to address it, rather than postpone for another time.

If it's not my anger, whose is it, and what's it doing in my heartspace?

Her questions often stump me, so there's nothing new about my fumbling. I think I'll take a couple days to sit with this batch. Pray and listen a while, see what comes through the line.

I knew there would be giants. Only some of them are external.

Pick A Chapter--Psalm 3

Goodnight, Beautiful...

Goodnight, Strender

324---Seclusion

Somethin' just ain't right. Even matched my socks today. Both white. Right now purity is the first thing I want to throw out the window. May as well double up this morning.

Tired and angry. Frustrated and rebellious. I don't want to let it go and I don't want to rest. I'm in a self-destructive pattern. I need to simply rest. But I want to stay angry and tired right now. I recognize the signs. I missed my day of seclusion last weekend and the weekend before, so basically this would be my third week without a weekend, and that's not ok. The pattern has become a loop.

I still am not telling you how I really feel. I'm still holding back. I feel angry because someone should be there at the end of this grueling week.

I should have someone to say "Hey, I'm exhausted" and they would say "I know how you feel."

I should have someone soft and pretty to hold on to. And I don't. And I'm angry that I don't.

I have to summon every ounce of willpower to prevent myself from calling someone to be soft and pretty on the phone with me and say that she knows how I feel. I have to not pick up the incoming call from someone who would offer me comfort. I'm angry that I have to do that. I'm angry that it takes work to be an honorable man. I'm angry that less honorable men are using someone soft and pretty to ease their pain, leaving a smouldering of bewildered wounded in their wake.

No one's making me do this. I could choose differently at any time. So why am I angry then, and at whom? Am I angry at myself for making this choice?

I don't try to sublimate it into milder versions. I think it must be directed and controlled or it will destroy everyone in the blast radius. How fights the warrior who is not angry? Should I watch the Incredible Hulk again tonight?

Someone hurt me, but she was reacting to hurt that came to her from another source, and that source was also hurt by someone else. Traced back to the beginning, it all begins with one source. That's who I'm angry at.

I have only one enemy. How convenient. The mental construct of evil personified in a devil, a place to channel my anger. Someone to be pissed off at. Except, I don't believe him to be a construct. I believe there is a malicious predator, loose among us, actively seeking our destruction.

When I'm like this, I think, "i'm hurt. What in the world would be so wrong about using someone else to absorb my pain? I'll feel better and she'll get over it (they're resilient), and if she doesn't I'll be long gone and she can inflict it on someone else."

Then I remember "that's how we all got wounded in the first place. It's got to stop somewhere. Love would not do this."

Sorry if it hurts you to know that these thoughts come to me often. Sorry if you didn't realize honor is not a foregone conclusion. It's a daily choice. I can only speak for me. I have to choose to treat my sisters with respect, moment by moment.

When I'm angry, I retire to be alone with my Father. Just like all the pain comes from one source, so with healing. Every good and perfect gift comes from above, from the Father of lights.

This may not be the best way to deal with it, but it's the only thing I see working. I'm open to suggestions. When I feel this way, I reach out to the nine, and I seclude myself with God and wait for the monster to go away.

Pick A Chapter---1 Corinthians 13 (Susan Nwankpa's pick)

Goodnight, Beautiful...

Goodnight, Strender

325--Pick A Chapter

Pick A Chapter--James 1 (Len's pick)

Goodnight, Beautiful...

Goodnight, Strender

326---Bedtime

10:08pm. I'm supposed to be asleep in 52 minutes. It's noisy where I am. And a little hot. I made a pact.

I was graced with a phone call from dear friend Deedra this morning. She said, "I can't drive by the purple church without saying hi!" It's a funny thing. It wasn't supposed to be purple. The story, as it was given to me, is that 1-inch square tiles covering the exterior of the building were white when originally affixed in the early 1960's. Exposure to the sun turned the tiles purple and evenutually brick surfaces were painted to match.

I just realized my total contact with guitar today was less than 15 minutes. In music news, working with Mickey to produce Christmas concert at the Purple Church. Ridiculous amounts of talent in this community.

RSVP'd for Melinda's concert this coming Sunday. This is fantastic--I've been getting to hear her play a lot lately. Works for me.

Mickey picked up tickets for us to see Barry Manilow in concert at the Hollywood Bowl on Saturday night. I've been experiencing lots of new (to me) music lately. Thanks for the invite, Mickey.

Immediately I thought of Sandy, 'cause I know she's a huge Manilow fan. Alas, she'll be at a football game on Saturday night. It's ok--I spent a couple hours catching up with her this evening. That was its own treat. Pomegranate-Blueberry tea with grapes, cashews and potato chips.

Received word this morning that I'll have a place to sleep when I arrive at my destination in December. It's good to know. It's also good to not know. I don't know many of the details of the road ahead and it's ok. GI Joe says knowing is half the battle. Well, not knowing is the other half. Thank you to those who are participating with God in providing space for me to lay my head.

I gotta follow up on Zoe's suggestion to look into substitute teaching.

Now it's 10:27. I had a great conversation with Adam this afternoon. We're both the types who work too much and sleep too little. We talked about the commonality of our morning rhythms of prayer and reading. We also have in common a disrespect for bedtimes. So our parting handshake formed cornerstone to a pact: Tonight's bedtime is 11pm. I intend an affirmative report to my brother come tomorrow morning.

Be well, my friends.

Pick A Chapter--Psalm 91 (Wanee Jeerapeet)

Goodnight, Beautiful...

Goodnight, Strender

327---Rollercoaster

Emotional rollercoaster today. All over the place. I'm sure sleep deprivation is a major contributor to this phenomenon.

As I think about worship and what it means, an unlikely worship leader comes to my attention. Martin has a deep passion for the care and maintenance of church property. He's handy and available with hammer and drill, paintbrush or broom, working tirelessly to make this place look its best. If care and improvement of this property is an expression of worship, Martin's service would qualify as leading worship, would it not?

His latest project is the repainting of the interior walls. Same color as before, just a fresh coat. I couldn't have imagined what a difference that would make. It's like a coat of newness has begun in the foyer and now spreads down the hall, leaving in it's wake the promise of beginning again. Do my eyes delude me? Can a wave of praise be borne throughout on the stroke of a brush?

Martin, a lead worshiper, conductor of joy

I watched a movie today from 1 to 3pm. Threw my emotions into a spin. Exiting the parking structure, I drove into a gorgeous sunny afternoon; my soul darker than when I'd entered. Half-hour later on IM I told Kat I felt "a smidge of anger." I'd spent 2 hours watching things I don't want to put in my eyes. Are my eyes becoming that sensitive? It's just rated R. I thought to myself, why then did you sit here for 2 hours? You could have simply walked out. My answer is what causes me anger and shame. I sat there because I didn't want to disturb my friend. I don't know...what was the right thing to do? To endure what I'm clearly not enjoying because my friend is enjoying it? After all, I am not laughing at the punchlines and I'm looking away when nudity comes onscreen, and I'm generally using this time to plan other things I'm going to do later in the day after this ordeal is over. Isn't that enough? I was angry with myself for sitting there.

I received a script today from an independent movie seeking me as an actor. There's some jaded characters and some foul language. Will I be comfortable in that setting? Should I even be sharing my thoughts today? I said I wouldn't edit. Why am I more willing to live in Dawn's words than endure the ones onscreen?

Is it that overall, I find Dawn's story redemptive? Hey, wait a minute, there might be something here. I think I didn't really find anything redemptive about the movie I just watched. And on the other hand, I'm comfortable with language in a story that holds the continuum of human strength and weakness in a balanced tension. Now I'm holding up for closer inspection the idea that God is in everything and there is redemption all around. Can I look more closely at the movie I saw today and find God in it? I can, now that I think about it more. Still, I can say certainly that I wouldn't have watched it by myself and it did things inside of me that will put me on guard the rest of the week, maybe longer.

So I'm already emotional by the time my sister Maria stopped by and showed me two of the songs off her upcoming album. They brought me to tears. It's been a while since I heard a piece of music that made me cry. I tear up when I pray. This music took me someplace akin to prayer. I tried to describe to her the pictures in my mind as I listened. I saw an underground cave, walls lined with pink and purple opalescent crystals, their glow the only light on an undisturbed single-file path disappearing under a backlit curtain of cascading water.

I prayed with several amazing people today.

To bring Wednesday to a close, I'm going to see Brian and Brianne and enjoy dinner and tv with them. Not sure if I'll laugh or cry. I'm trying only to be real.

Mission statement I wrote a few years ago, after reading Tom Voccola's "Accidental CEO:"

With stubborn love and unyielding faith, I inspire myself and others to be real. I serve God and befriend the world, using word, music, and video as instruments of relationship.

So....would I watch a movie like that again, knowing the entire time that it's costing me, knowing I'll have to heal from it for a time longer than the duration of the film? Is that what it means to be poured out? Can I trust that my spirit will be catered to on those occasions with the same tenderness that orchestrated today's visits from ministering angels, bearing prayer and healing via IM, music, email, movie script, dinner? Can I trust Him always to heal me from risks taken? When is the risk too much?

See you tomorrow.

Pick A Chapter--John 15 (Martin Salazar)

Goodnight, Beautiful...

Goodnight, Strender

328---Pick A Chapter

Pick A Chapter--Psalm 106 (Tanja David)

Goodnight, Beautiful...

Goodnight, Strender

329---Red-Room Community

Just about to leave for the studio yesterday when Tanja stopped by the office. We got into conversation, catching up on each others' lives. I haven't had a sit-down with her in a couple months. Spontaneous as ever, she accepted a last-minute invite to the studio and became a member of the red-room community. So many wonderful memories over the past 6 months in Dave's little red control room at MelroseMusic. In that space I've watched skilled craftsmen shaping my songs beyond the simple form I first received.

Looking around the room yesterday, I was touched at the beauty and power of my community. David Williams is such a competent engineer. Easy-going, a step ahead, super efficient. In the middle of the session a hard drive crashed. He didn't even skip a beat, pulled another drive online and was ready for the next take inside of 40 seconds. It makes me feel very safe to have an expert operator at the wheel.

I met Emir because of my Greek little sister Maria. Her album's almost finished and it's incredible. You gotta check it out. Emir did a lot of production work on that album and she's been telling me for months how good this guy is and what a brilliant musician/composer.

I think the simple beautiful string and piano arrangement he composed and conducted is nothing short of magical. Judge for yourself when this tune comes out in a couple months.

Which brings me back to about 6pm yesterday evening. Between 1 and 6pm, I had the experience of hearing this musical backdrop taking shape, all the while growing more and more aware of my own inability to match its caliber.

I come to the last hour with a deep sense of inadequacy. I'm not singer enough to contribute to something so perfect. But these words and this melody came through me and belong to someone else and I have a responsibility to deliver them.

The video camera's trained on me in the recording booth. I don't want people to see this. I start singing, thinking all the while, "ok, this is where they find out I'm an imposter. This is where somebody questions who let me in the room."

Sooner or later these guys are going to realize I'm just the delivery boy. I can't sing this as well as they played it. I should just find other people to sing these songs. I would be so honored to have other people sing my music. I hope that's going to happen. I didn't want to be a singer. I didn't want to be a guitarist either.

I just wanted to play the bass.

These words and melodies keep coming to me. Some of the words I sang yesterday:

Maybe this is where you want me

Maybe this is more than chance

Through a twisting road you brought me

To this turn of circumstance

What if destiny is calling me?

What if I must learn to fly?

If I never seize the moments in my life

Then I know I would always wonder why

And if hope is a risk that's worth the taking

And if faith is the vision of the soul

And if love is a promise that's worth making

If my life is not under my control

When my destiny comes calling me

When it comes my time to die

If I'd never seized the moments in my life

Then I know I would always wonder why

Cause eternity is calling me

Can I look you in the eye?

If I never seize the moments in my life

Then I know I would always wonder why

Yes I know I would always wonder why

And I know I don't want to wonder why

Pick A Chapter--Esther 4 (Len's pick)

Goodnight, Beautiful...

Goodnight, Strender

330---Studio...Seize The Moments

It's 11:22 am as I begin today's journal. I'm a little bit sweaty-palmed. No good reason for it. This should be loads of fun. I'll be arriving at the studio in just over an hour.

I'm ready for this. Sent emails to the musicians giving them the address of the studio and the time to meet there. David (Engineer) put their names on the list for parking at the studio lot. I'll stop by the bank on the way to the studio and withdraw money for this.

I had a feeling I'd be nervous today, so I wanted to be prepared. The last hour of our session on Thursday, we tracked the acoustic guitar for this song, so that way today I don't even have to do that. All I have to do is sing these words and mean them..."What if I must learn to fly?"

Had breakfast--check

Got Brian's Cello--check

Sheet music printed--check

Socks don't match--check

11:28am

Heading out. See you at the studio...

1:27pm

Sitting at studio with David and Tanja chatting about the way movie-making is moving out of state. Tanja’s our video camera operator today. Emir arrives, after a 1-hour-and-26 minute drive from Westwood. The Aids Walk was today, hence the traffic.

Tanja takes food orders and walks to Astroburger.

1:58pm

Melinda's here. She's just back from playing a worship service with Nathan.

2:15pm

Brian arrives.

Brian and Melinda sitting next to each other on the sofa, reading the score. Melinda's right hand moves ever so gracefully through the air as her air-violin accompanies Emir's amazing piano performance. I wonder how many times I'll use the word 'amazing' today. Brian's left hand practices cello transitions on his right forearm.

Tanja's back. She's just begun a love affair with a restaurant. A fast-food restaurant, no less. She spends the next half hour absorbed in the menu. I'm amused as she sits across from Brian and Melinda. Here are three people diligently immersed in the information on the page in front of them--two reading music; one choosing lunch. Food and music. Appears I'm in the right room.

2:54pm

Emir's piano track is recorded and now he's taken up the role of conductor. What I emailed him two months ago was a guitar and vocal rough draft of this song. He composed a piano part, 3 Cello parts and 3 Violin parts. Now he's next door in the performance booth rehearsing with Brian and Melinda.

3:23pm

As I listen to the strings and piano together, I feel unqualified to sing this song that I wrote. I have lost the words that might describe how it feels to hear my music executed, embellished and enhanced by professional, trained classical musicians.

This Gardenburger Philly Sub is delicious!

4:06pm

This is too beautiful for me. There's no way I can produce a vocal worthy of this musical support.

This blog entry is also getting too long. I'll finish it tomorrow.

Pick A Chapter--Psalm 2 (Len's pick)


Goodnight, Beautiful...

Goodnight, Strender

331---Food and Beach

After church, Zoe and Dulce and I went for Ethiopian food at this great place on Fairfax. Then over to Santa Monica Pier. Ice cream and good company. Who could ask for anything more? I just enjoyed the company. No ice cream until after tomorrow's studio session.

Pick A Chapter--Isaiah 61 (Len's Pick)


Goodnight, Beautiful...

Goodnight, Strender

332---Pick a Chapter

If there's a favorite chapter you'd like to hear on the daily podcast, pick a chapter and let me know.

Pick A Chapter--Psalm 23 (Wanee Jeerapeet)


Goodnight, Beautiful...

Goodnight, Strender

333---Appointments

Too much on my plate. Can't keep up. Last night I fell asleep mid-conversation. Today I missed two connections. Was supposed to pray with Truth this morning. Was supposed to hang out with Dennis this afternoon.

Life is speeding up and I love it. I like speed. I prayed for speed. But I have to speed responsibly. I'm building rhythms that help me take care of myself and my friends.

I'm learning to use technology to keep me accountable to appointments. The appointments I missed today were the ones not written in my electronic calendar. If it's not in my calendar, I'm likely to go right past it, moving at this pace.

I love the fast pace as much as I love stillness when that comes. There's a time for speed and time for standing still. And there are times in between for a measured pace.

You know what I just figured out! It's not that the appointments that are written down are more important to me than the ones I don't write down. It's that when I look at my calendar and see the commitments I've made for the day, my mind and spirit begin preparing for those engagements. A plan forms and I begin to allocate internal resource toward fulfilling those commitments. My pace and urgency are subconsciously calculated to deliver me on time to said appointments.

And should my spirit determine that I have need for additional resource from above for general replenishment or for specific task endowment, I can make my request with plenty of time for delivery and intake. I don't have to feel rushed or be taken by surprise.

Ooooooo, that's why I'm supposed to write down the vision and make it plain! So my spirit and my mind will begin to summon and attract God's resource to the matter at hand. Ok, that right there was worth some lack of sleep.

Today's missed appointments underscores the need to be selective about priorities. I'm trying to be responsible and not overcommit. Getting the hang of it. And I'm so sorry for those times when I let it slip.

I was up until 1pm the night before, so waking up at 5am for prayer is harder. I did commit to it, though, and once I've given my word, what's that worth to me? I want to consistently increase the value of my word. It's not ok with me if people say, "O well, don't take it personally, that's just how Lennox is..."

One reason God's word is so valuable to me is that it is always fulfilled. It never returns void, never comes home empty. He is faithful to what He says. I'd like my word to mean something. Hopefully it's gaining value, not decreasing. Hopefully more and more of His words are coming out of my mouth.

Maybe eventually all my words will be His. I love that the Lord didn't let any of the words Samuel spoke fall to the ground. Like Samuel's words were valuable even to God. He would not allow them to be damaged or dirtied by contact or impact. What if my word was that valuable? Could that happen?

I betrayed 2 special people today by not using my knowledge or technology. Betrayed might seem a harsh word for it, and both Dennis and Truth were gracious about rescheduling, but it's still an instance of giving my word carelessly, without followthrough to completion. I remember talking with Dennis last week about meeting up yesterday, but I didn't put it in the calendar, so a week later when he calls to confirm, it took me a minute to even remember that we had made such a plan.

I could cop out on praying at 5 am, but what I'll choose instead is to get to bed earlier. My choices tonight impact the value of my word tomorrow. Or, as Dan would put it, I could renegotiate for 7am and get a couple hours more rest. I'll ask if we can try again on Monday morning.

The speeding won't last forever and I'll enjoy the next phase every bit as much. Maybe a little of that measured pace would be good right about now.

Pick A Chapter--Psalm 144 (Darlene Taylor)

Goodnight, Beautiful...

Goodnight, Strender

334---Apology to Kristi

I was so exhausted today I fell asleep while talking to a friend on the phone. Not before I heard her say something amazing: "I'm excited about the future; I'm ecstatic about today!" What I hear her expressing is an appreciation for this moment we're living in right now. To which I say, Amen!

Kristi, I'm so sorry that happened. I was just wiped out. Today was a blur. I can't really remember much. I'm sure some things got done. Must have. I couldn't list them for you. I had dinner with Rob and it was great to catch up. I rehearsed music with Aaron and Ashley. Nathan showed me how to create music charts so I can provide the band on Sabbath with what they need in order to better support the worship service. It's a jumble in my mind, a happy mix of productive.

Pick A Chapter--Psalm 1 (Lennox' Pick)


Goodnight, Beautiful...

Goodnight, Strender