48--Saboteur

I've been watching So You Think You Can Dance. There's a guy on there, Jose, who's not that great a dancer, but has such a magnificent heart and such a beautiful soul that people want to watch him dance, technique be damned. I often think that's why people watch me play. They see the passion I feel and overlook the fact I'm not a great singer or musician. I do feel like I'm a good songwriter, though.

Woke up scared. Now I have to learn 7 songs that are not mine and I have 30 days to do it. Carrying a lot of tension in my shoulders.

On the one hand, I know the Lord will see me through like every time before. But on the other hand, this time it's for real. We're trying to save a kid's life. I feel some pressure with that. Feeling self-destructive. Want to stay up late and overwork so I can legitimately break down and excuse myself from having to win.

Self-sabotage. Should I admit what I'm feeling right now? Never seen my fear of success so clearly as right now in the light of this concert. I can find a few good ways to snivel out of this, but I don't think so.

I'm gonna get up and go to work and when I get back, I'll work on the music some more and 30 days from now, we're going to put on a great concert. Tammy is singing with me. I don't know yet if Charity will or not. She wants me to sing on the day after this concert at another fundraiser for Rwanda. Sounds like fair trade dictates she should sing this one with me, right?

I had a beer last night. Didn't even like it. Honestly, I think it's cause I was scared.

I've wrestled this dilemma for years: Do I express how I feel or simply restate what I know and what I'm choosing? In my own self-talk, I'm positive because I find if I hear myself say "Len, you're going to win," then I do what is necessary to build that reality.

But I'm questioning my approach for two reasons. I've noticed sometimes people don't think I'm being real. How can I be positive about everything? Do I just have that much faith? Not in me, I don't. But I do trust my Father.

The other reason I'm questioning is because now the situation's getting real, life or death real. I'm about to leave my job and go fulltime into something where my livelihood will depend on whether or not people like and enjoy and respect what I do as an artist, as a coach, as a writer, as a man.

Time to get up and go to work.

I'm doing this. I'm scared, but I am doing this. I was made for doing this.

Get up, Beautiful

Get up, Strender