257--Farmers

11:21am

I googled "auto insurance, 97378" and a Farmer's agent popped up on main street in Sheridan. I prefer to do business with local companies and with people I know, so I called the number, met Jennifer on the phone and I'm heading over there now to get an auto policy started. That reminds me, I'll need to get my Oregon Driver's License soon. Heading into Mac after this to pick up a tripod so I can film today's recording project.

258--Company Party

We work in teams for the inventory process. My partner is a guy named Ryan Williams. I'm getting to have quite the Ryan collection. There's even a girl one, but she spells her name different and I only just met her briefly before leaving Hollywood.

My new Ryan is the bomb. He's THE best forklift driver I've seen in operation. Truth be told, I've never attended the forklifting olympics, but I'm saying the guy's good. For counting items that are as high as 30 feet in the air, I was in the basket and he was our driver. He would put me right next to the batch that needed counting, first try on every pass, no weebles, no wobbles. Smooth, safe, efficient.

I've enjoyed getting to know him as we worked together these past three days. Met his wife and their 3-month old son tonight at the company party. I confess now that I didn't want to go to the party. I got home from work and thought, it's so nice and warm here and I am tired from all the lifting and counting. I could just curl up with a book...

So I got out quick. Sometimes that's what it takes. When the house monster wants to keep you locked in, you gotta make a break for it while there's strength left in you. While you still remember your way to the front door.

Made it to the party after all, and as I'm walking up the steps at NW Wine Bar, there's Kathy and Mike! Mike Aplin is the bottling technician I worked with years ago before I moved to LA. If you need wine put in a bottle, this is your guy. If you need wine out of a bottle, that's a different call, and I've got excellent referrals for that too.

I've been thinking about faith a few times today. Someone asked me to help them believe. I could not put to words what a great honor that is. Set me to thinking, what is faith?

Faith is the substance of things hoped for. It's a substance. We've come to perceive it as a crutch, a last resort, a mental construct. I think we've mistaken what's really substantial. Faith is the ability to see what God sees. My brother Taron told me that.

Anyway, I'm excited about tomorrow. I'm gonna make a bit of music with Isaac, talk with Jim about music and worship, and record a song that Cecilia requested. I'm excited that my entire day tomorrow is steeped in music. How grand!

Goodnight, Beautiful...

Goodnight, Strender

259--Inventory

We're doing inventory at work this week. Inventory = Boring, right? Not to me. I like it. We're counting things. How very simple! Small decisions, like are there 5 of the same, or 3 of one and 2 of the other?

Last 10 days I've been remembering something Elizabeth said: "I don't want to live where life is just around the corner...I want to live where it's already here!"

This morning I took Vegas for a run in the 2-acre field behind Dar's house. It's a frosty morning. Grass crunches underfoot and trees appear out of the mist like hidden sentinels. As I watch him run free of leash or fence, as I drink in the picturesque cold, as I realize that this is my life, I'm suddenly praying out loud. It's a habit. It scares people, so I apologize if that happens near you sometime. I try to be mindful to keep it to myself so I don't freak you out. But seriously, is this my life? Am I really this simple?

I don't want to be anything but me. Home-grown, garden variety, man. I'm simple and I like it. When I call you smart, it's not always a compliment. Don't try to reassure me that I'm smart too. It's hard work being smart all the time. I say pick your battles.

As I understand more and more what the Lord is making of me, I'll fill various roles, some with longer terms than others. I may be a painter on occasion, a producer once or twice, a preacher from time to time, a musician as long as I breathe.

A while ago I became acutely aware of the massive amount of talent I'm connected to by way of acquaintance. The people I know are amazing at their various specialties. Like Leslie Foster. I'm flabbergasted at his visual creativity. Or take Nathan French, musician, speaker, motivator, community organizer, political mover and shaker. Take Jim Cook, or Seth Finley, or General Cuffy. Yes, that's his real name...General.

I thought to myself, among such excellent people, what would my title be? I'm not a Film-Maker, I'm not a Pastor, I'm not a Poet, I'm not even that good a Musician. What I am is a simple man. I like the title Civilian, because I am intrigued by what God can do with, do to, do through ordinary person-on-the-street civilians.

Goodnight, Beautiful...

Goodnight, Strender

261--Monday Eve

Ok, so things are finally organized enough in my space that I can turn focus to music. All told, a quick and smooth transition. Within two weeks, I'm relocated, employed and properly domiciled.

Tomorrow evening, working with Isaac to begin crafting musical sequences for the February concert in Laguna Niguel. Wednesday evening with Dawn to catch up and talk about our film project. Thursday with Jim, my worship leader, to talk about how my exploration of worship and my dwelling in this community come together at this time. What can I bring here? What is here already that will shape me differently?

I promised Cecilia I'd record "What A Friend" this week, guitar and vocal. I'll schedule that for daytime on Thursday. I also have to get back to Scott with some notes for vocal arrangements on Days Of Rain. I've been trading messages with Cowan, but no real-time conversation in a couple weeks.

While Richard was preaching this morning, my mind kept going to Joshua 1. I spent a lot of time there in early 2008, and I camped often at verse 9: Haven't I told you? Be strong! Be courageous. The Lord will be with you wherever you go.

This morning, though, I couldn't make it to 9, cause I kept stopping at 6: Be strong and courageous, because you will lead these people to inherit the land I swore to their forefathers to give them.

Am I supposed to lead someone somewhere?

Lead who where? What people? What land? What were they promised? Is this for me? Do I take myself too seriously? That verse is in there for whoever reads it. Or is it in there for whomever it reads?

Goodnight, Beautiful...

Goodnight, Strender

264--Twas the night before Christmas

I felt like such a man, going out into the cold morning with a wheelbarrow, filling it with split logs and 2x4 scraps, bringing them in and lighting the woodstove that heats the school lounge.

What could be more manly? Well, actually, I could have had to climb a trail and cut the tree myself and log it and then split the wood, as opposed to the 200 feet I walked to a covered shed filled with already chopped firewood.

I still get some manly points for this, right?

Got the fire started, chatted with Ryan on the phone, just catching up. He's going to preach out of Luke 2 this Sabbath. I would love to be there to hear it, but I'll have to listen online two weeks from now when it gets posted. I hope we get the video-streaming up to par quickly so I can hear him preach in real-time.

Tonight Scott's leading "Lessons and Carols" like we did last year in the Fellowship Hall and between thinking about that and the passage that Ryan's preaching from this week, I decided to read Luke 1 for today's podcast. So I read it and that took about 8 minutes. Then I started playing music for it and that took me a couple hours. A medley of "Angels We Have Heard On High" and "O Come All Ye Faithful."

I looked up as I was finishing the guitar-work and it was almost time to head over to Jim and Bonnie's. Spent the afternoon with the Finley's and that was a ridiculous ton of fun. I'd forgotten how much I enjoy bantering with Seth. The guy's hilarious. I just hope that in 2010 we actually make some of the videos we talk about.

I stole the eggnog and humongous mug in the white elephant gift exchange. Food and fun, laughter and games, friends, family, and eggnog thievery--I think this is at least part of what Christmas is supposed to be.

I'm back at my place now, just me and the canine. Candles and the water fountain, constant drone of space heaters against the tinkle of Vegas' tags. I'm going to check on that fire one more time, put a couple logs in so they can warm the space a while longer.

photo by Darlene Taylor (of the tree at the Finley's house this afternoon)

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

Pick A Chapter, Luke 1, selected by Lennox

Goodnight, Beautiful...

Goodnight, Strender

267--the case of the missing cable

The rooster crowed at 3:40 this morning. It's not a real rooster, just my cellphone pretending. But it wakes me up. Had to leave at 4 to get General to Portland Airport. Not that his flight was that early, but I needed to make it back to Mcminnville by 7, because that's when I started work this morning. First day back at Oregon Wine Services.

Had an excellent visit with Topher this evening--we're getting together again after the holidays to talk about design ideas for my website. This evening we assembled a bookshelf while catching up on the 4 months since we last connected.

I don't know exact air temperature outside, but there was actually ice on the ramp when I went out with Vegas earlier.

It took me a couple hours to rig the sound recording setup, because a cable that I usually connect through, somehow didn't make the trip with us. Necessity being the mother of invention, we (and by that I mean me and Vegas) came up with another solution and better sound quality. Sometimes a setback gives you the advantage of a fresh approach.

Back to work at 7 tomorrow, so I'll just post this evening's 'Pick-A-Chapter' reading from Lamentations 3. The guitar is whatever I played as I listened to the words of the passage this evening at about 10 O'clock. Just some live noodling to match that chapter.

What chapter may I read for you?

Hope you had a marvelous day.

Pick-A-Chapter, Lamentations 3, selected by Wanee Jeerapeet

Goodnight, Beautiful...

Goodnight, Strender

269--Where the heart is

Toward the end of May, I returned from a month at home in the islands with my folks. As I looked at LA from my airline window seat, I knew that my time in the city was drawing to a close. I thought maybe I'd just been spoiled by a month of nature--trees and beaches do something to me. Maybe a month or two in the city would erase the memories of a slower, simpler life. On the other hand, maybe not.

When the voice in my spirit told me it was time to go home, I automatically thought that meant going back to Grenada. So I immediately notified Ryan that I'd be heading back to the rock in a few months, and began making plans to cross the Atlantic another time.

Early September I had another realization. Home for me isn't just in Grenada anymore. That's where I grew up. That's where my parents live. Home for me is someplace else. Someone(s) else.

One of my favorite songs, by one of my favorite artists, Bryan Duncan:

There's a saying "your home is where your heart is"

My heart believes its true

And my home's so far away

Though the seasons and the scenery keep changing

I will make my home with you

'Til I'm finally home to stay

When I think of home

When I'm tired and feeling homeless

I come to you

You're where my heart is...

There are places on this journey I'll remember

Many faces all so dear

They can always bring a smile

But no matter where I am or where I'm going

In my heart you're always near

You have made my life worthwhile

When I think of home

When I'm tired and feeling homeless

I come to you

You're where my heart is...

It's 10:49pm. I'm unpacking boxes because I want this place to be organized by the time I leave for work on Monday morning. I'd like to come back to a functional workspace and get right down to it. Still about 20 boxes to go and some of them I can't really unpack until I find a bookshelf. Hoping for good luck at a garage sale or at the goodwill store.

While unpacking, I put on a cd of Bobby McFerrin dueting with YoYoMa, and that reminded me of Brian--he gave me that cd. Then I traded some emails with my mom, and a couple with Cecilia, a phone call with Darlene, Facebook wall posts with Taron. I put away the jacket and coffee mug Andrey and Febe gave me, then when the cd was done, I put on another one, something Scott gave me: Cistercian Monks Of Stift Heiligenkreuz (good luck with that)

Tamara's painting is on the dining room table until I find hammer and nails to hang it in the kitchen. The painting Jenny gave me is leaning on the wall next to the table. Outside air temperature is around 50 degrees. In here it's a comfortable 71, according to the clock/thermometer from Wanee.

Today was an amazing day of rest and re-connection. Lovely couple Chris and Bryanna came by and had tea and dinner with us. It turns out General and Chris are old friends from working together at kids camp in New York years ago. You gotta love how small this family is, and how large.

What am I getting at? You each have some of my heart, and my home is with you. Don't be fooled by geography.

Goodnight, Beautiful...

Goodnight, Strender

270--Too sleepy to think

Wow! what a trip.

back and forth three times from LA to Sheridan, and now a chance to rest and catch my breath before we get down to it. Not much time, really. I start working 7am Monday at Oregon Wine Services, the company I worked for until I left for LA 4 years ago. Good to be back home, in so many ways.

Tired. Glad it's Sabbath.

I'll be back to reading a chapter a day starting Monday.

Have a great weekend.

O, wait, I gotta tell you this one other thing. So I wrote a song in the car on the trip OR to CA Wednesday night, and then another one on the trip CA to OR Thursday night. That's two new songs in 3 days. Nice! But the cool thing is that one of them has this blues feel and I wanted to get a specific guitarist to play it with me, a guy named Jake Blair. He's a phenomenal blues guitarist whom I've not seen in at least the 4 years since I've been gone.

So I go to Mac to confirm my job situation for next week and after that's all taken care of, I go to the grocery store to stock some food for the apartment. I'm looking for olive oil, cause I'm making the tomato soup. As I come around the corner into the aisle I look up at, you guessed it, Jake Blair. Seriously? Two nights ago on the way to LA I'm writing a song and thinking he's the right guy for this and two days later I run into him in a grocery story after not seeing him for years? Ever feel like you're being set up to win?

Well, it's sleepytime, and I'm behind a week on sleep.

Goodnight, Beautiful...

Goodnight, Strender

271--5:56pm

 

It's my last time sitting in this chair for a while. I'm in the Admin office of Hollywood SDA, exhausted. On Tuesday, we drove through the night to arrive in Sheridan, Oregon, on Wednesday morning, then drove 16 hours back to LA last night to drop off the rental truck. Now my stuff is waiting for me in my apartment 999 miles north of here. 

There's no way I could have done this without General's help. For a few moments yesterday, he met some of the Open Door Community. Today I got a call from one of them saying she thinks her husband knows him from New York. I mean, how many big black guys named General do you meet in a lifetime? So yeah, we're gonna grab tea with them and see if we're talking about the same guy. 

I love my new apartment. I love having an apartment, period. 

It was good to be in the country and see my family from there. 

To my family here in LA, I'll be back real soon. Not to live, mind you, cause I am a country-boy and some things just get stronger with age. But I'll definitely see some of you in February. So do stay in touch, and remember, like Amanda says, it's not just me that can come visit you. You can come on up to the trees sometime also. 

I will miss you, but really, I won't. You're in my heart, and I keep that with me. Allows me to take things personally. After all, it is my life--I take it personally, and you are with me wherever the Lord sends. 

Thanks for everything. Thank you so much. 

Scott, right down to the last minute you come through for me. Penny is going to really appreciate those oranges. Cecilia, you're doing a fabulous job. Is that a new desk in the office? Didn't realize there was a top on that thing. I thought it was just made of papers and miscellaneous junk. 

General, I'm gonna need some caffeine on this one. 

273--12:38pm

12:38pm

General flew in from Colorado last night. He's here to help me with this move. Right now he's picking up the Chevy Silverado from Enterprise.When he gets back, we'll load up and roll out.

Earlier, I was cleaning up the backyard area where Vegas spends most of his days. That's how I met Caesar. He stopped by the fence and said "hey man, is that your dog? He is phenomenal!!!"

He went on to tell me about their first encounter. How Vegas barked at him then came and sat next to the fence and invited him into a game. I really love it that he starts the game-he even tells you what to do.

Caesar went on to tell me that he and Vegas played ball often and he even came down from his apartment once to stop someone from harassing my dog. I loved how protective he was about Vegas.

I have been so blessed. I have a truly awesome animal companion, and I live among such wonderful humans as this stranger who plays with my dog and protects him from harm.

Nice to meet you, Caesar. Thank you for being a friend.

274--I work for you now

Last minute stuff today. Picking up the last two songs from the studio. Finish packing boxes. Start putting boxes in the car. A few more goodbyes and the staff dinner this evening, at this great Caribbean restaurant in Santa Monica. Good pick, guys, thank you.

After dinner, Scott and Leslie and I walked on Santa Monica beach and down the pier. Good memory for the winter.

I'll be back on the scripture podcasts next Monday. I tried to read a chapter last week and just kept coughing too much.

I work for you guys now. I've quit my job and I'm going to put music and other forms of artistic worship where you can find them. If they connect with you, support the work.

To make a tax-deductible donation, simply make check payable to Open Door Community Church, and mail it to 339 NW Sherman Street, Sheridan OR 97378. Very important that you also include a note that your contribution is made on behalf of Lennox' Music Ministry.

Goodnight Beautiful...

Goodnight Strender

276--Touched

The Lord is good to all His children, because He loves us. Stupidly. Ridiculously. Scandalously. Outrageously.

I show up at church today and they're all wearing mismatched socks. Hahahaha! I love these guys. I guess somebody sent out an email and we're all misfits in solidarity today.

Nathan and Lisa leading worship took the music and connection to another level. The sermon called for action in bringing about justice in a society of misfits. Preacher invited us to bring gifts of socks and underwear for the homeless members of our community. Weather's turning cold. Bring a pair and set it under the tree--stoke the resistance to injustice. This preacher says some important things. I'm going to miss him, but I guess I'll just have to listen online now.

When Ryan called me up to the front to say farewell, I was thinking "no, don't do this again---you guys are making way too big a deal out of me. God does what He does--I just work here."

Ryan asked for anyone who wanted to come and lay hands on me while we pray. I couldn't see all who came, and I wasn't trying. Instead I closed my eyes and thanked God for loving so thoroughly, for giving to each other this community of misfits.

i-phone photo by David Cowan

At the end of the prayer, only one thought survived emotion: "I love you guys."

The church's parting token was a Southwest gift-card. I had hoped to visit next February. Now I'm halfway there. Meanwhile another job offer at my destination. And thanks to the generosity of two donors, the fund for this music ministry received $1100 over the last 30 days. Open Door Community Church has partnered with us to receive tax-deductible donations on behalf of this ministry. We're being provided for on both ends of the journey and the magnificent abundance warms my insides.

The Lord is good to all His children, because He loves us. Stupidly. Ridiculously. Scandalously. Outrageously.

Goodnight, Beautiful...

Goodnight, Strender

279--Ballpark

I am a very wealthy man. My wealth is in the rare value and unsurpassed quality of the people by whom I am known. This is brought home to me in exquisite clarity as I prepare to leave Hollywood.

Last evening I watched tv with Cecilia and talked for an hour. Then I visited with Susan, who continues to amaze me. Who uses the phrase "interstitial moments" conversationally? She also confronted me as to whether or not I have a slight "man-crush" on David Cowan.

If by "man-crush" you mean, do I think he's one of the most spectacular musicians I've ever encountered, with a soul the size of a small country, well then I suppose I do. I was talking to him this morning and thinking all the while how blessed I am to know such a skilled musical artisan, let alone have him interpret music that flowed through my spirit on its way here.

You know, my friends are entirely too secure in my masculinity. There's the man-crush thing. And then there's this other thing that grew out of a conversation with Sandy. I don't remember who brought it up, or how the snowball began, but the idea sprang to life that I would cover a different tune each month of 2010. And I don't get to choose what songs they are. Sandy chose the first one.

Then in my excitement, I shared the idea with Brian and Brianne, who actually developed a playlist of songs that they want to task me with. Zoe and Dulce couldn't even keep up with each other's suggestions.

But now, the question on my mind is, why are they all assigning me songs by girl singers? Huh?

What is that about? And who are the Ting-Tings?

Anybody want in on this? Here's how we'll do it. Sandy gets to pick the January song. Brian and Brianne pick the February song. Zoe and Dulce pick the March song. After that, it's a drawing. Submit any 3 song titles you want (nothing obscene), I'll put the names in a hat, draw one and that's the cover for the month. And will somebody please pick some guy songs? Thank you very much.

Today I had quality time with Ryan and Martin, an hour with Nathan, tea with Kathy, and yet another surprising conversation with Rajeev. Every time I talk to that guy, he turns out to be more brilliant and profound than I realized last time. At some point I'll stop being surprised at his depth, but tonight was not that night. He just keeps saying really poignant, funny stuff.

I shared with several of my friends that the words circling in my spirit of late are a variety that shape my concept of home. Words like "Abide," "Dwell," "Remain..."

If you're gonna play the game, you gotta be in the ballpark...

Goodnight, Beautiful...

Goodnight, Strender

280--Sweet Days

It's not supposed to rain in LA!

Watching the water trickle down the front window, listening to Christmas music while Sal makes his delicious blackberry crepe. Despite his best effort, and I'm sure it was an excellent espresso pour, I've still not acquired that taste.

I was just saying to Heather that food is a spiritual discipline. The community that eats together has, at least, stories about eating together. My guess is they'll have stories about much else as well.

I found this community because of rain. More accurately, because of a sermon about rain. I had just moved back to LA four years ago. From lessons learned the painful way, I knew that one of the first things I wanted to secure was a spiritual community. So I went looking for familiar faces at Crosswalk church in Redlands. Figured there would be some PUC alumni there to connect with.

The sermon was about rain. Samir said we often see rain as punctuation between sunny times. We experience rain as something that happens in between, an ordeal to be endured, and if possible, accelerated. The quicker we get through the rain, the sooner we can dance with sun again. But what if rain has it's own value? What if there are joys only rain can bring? Have you never danced in the rain?

Am I hearing this guy right? I've heard this before, but not in an Adventist church. Not from the front. He probably mis-spoke. I'll keep listening for a retraction.

Never came. He kept getting deeper and deeper, 'til we're neck-deep in a puddle of truth, and I'm sitting on the edge of my seat wondering who is this man that dares to love rain?

After the sermon, I introduced myself and thanked him for conveying those words. He asked me where I went to church and I said I hadn't found that yet. Then he said to me, "go to Hollywood; Ryan Bell is doing great work over there and he needs some help..."

Happy to spend today with Sal, then Dennis, then Leslie, Cecilia, Martin and Scott, while the sky over Los Angeles weeps gentle tears of joy, and the sun shines elsewhere, an ellipsis between rains.

Goodnight, Beautiful...

Goodnight Strender

285--Intimidating

Went with Ryan to San Gabriel Academy where he delivered one of my favorite of his sermons. I don't remember what he titles it, but in my memory it's titled "Let Mercy Come." It's a look at the music video "What I've Done" by Linkin Park. Let Mercy come and wash away what I've done. I have more thoughts about that, but I really need to get to bed.

This other thing on my mind won't keep until tomorrow...

More than one very beautiful woman has asked me recently why men are intimidated by her. I've hesitated to tell you what I'm thinking, sisters, because I don't know the answer. I would not presume to speak on behalf of all men. I think many men are like me in that I want to know the answer before I speak. To risk an opinion without high probability of being correct is to gamble in favor of looking the fool. I would rather be silent and change the subject to one I can speak of with greater certainty. What's the saying, better to be silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt?

We, the brotherhood, value the safety of the bottomline. Knowing that I am right is important to me. Not only do I want to know I'm right, I want you to know I'm right.

Today in response to one of my sisters with the same and increasingly frequent query, I wrote the sections in italics:

I'll think out loud and some of what I say is just me throwing my thoughts in the ring without premeditation. By the way, that isn't typical or comfortable for men. We would rather work the thing out and then just spit out a bottomline. So to think along with you is vulnerability for us. We are letting you see us before we know the answer. Men want to be respected as much as women want to be loved and adored. We want you to see us as strong and smart and capable. So to even think out loud about an unfinished conclusion is to invite you behind the scenes, into the inner workings of imperfection.

If I tell you how I work, I'm giving you the power to undo me. Samson told this chick the secret of his strength and it cost him, right?

When you ask me "what are you thinking?" I hear you asking if I trust you enough to let you hear my thoughts before I test them, to let you see my mind unpolished. If I trust you, I'll let you in. If I don't trust you enough, my response to your question is "not much, I'm not thinking much."

I wonder if other men do the same thing? Is that just me?

One of the reasons you are intimidating is that you are very quick to the bottomline. If you consistently beat us to the bottomline, our insecurity may interpret this as you showing us that you are more man than we are. How can this tiny little cute thing be more man than I am? What does that say about me? So wait, not only is she beautiful, and sexy, so she's definitely got the woman thing covered, but now she's also out-manning me? What's left for me? I can't out-woman. I can't out-man her. Just have to out-run her.

At the end of every blog I sign off... "Goodnight, Beautiful... Goodnight Strender." I'm telling every woman reading that she is beautiful and every man reading that he is both strong and tender, that he is strong enough to be tender.

I do have an early appointment tomorrow so I need some rest. See you later.

Goodnight, Beautiful...

Goodnight, Strender

286--Surprise!

How in the world did it get to be December? How did it get to be 2009?

Earlier in the day, a concerned friend worried that along my travels I'll forget the importance of Sabbath. I'm too tired to forget a command about resting.

Julia and I had a tasty Salmon dinner. Then we walked back to her apartment to pick up my present, which I guess she forgot to bring to the restaurant.

She was telling me this great story in the hallway while she fumbled with her keys, but she did finally get the door open and we walked into a room filled with people I love, who seemed very shocked to see us. That must be why they all yelled.... Surprise!

Joke's on them. It's not even my birthday.

They know that. They just wanted to make me feel loved before I set off on the next leg of this journey, the part that takes me away from Angel-town, the part where I might not see them again for a little while.

Told Ryan last week, "I plan to live forever and I fully expect to see you soon."

I do love my family. I really do.

Thank you so much, guys...

Goodnight, Beautiful...

Goodnight, Strender

287--Dissipation

I do not like to be cold. Once my hands get cold the rest of me is just miserable. One might question my judgement at leaving Los Angeles, where the sun shines all the time.

Yesterday at Joshua Tree, cold, really cold, but when you get moving, climbing or hiking or even jumping in place, your body warms up. After a little while I had to take off the hoodie to dissipate some heat. Dissipate—good word; that’s a leftover from Ryan’s sermon on Sabbath. Luke 21:34 uses the word ‘dissipation’ referring to the squander of life and its resource. Time and devotion, energy, affection… heat.

This morning at 7:31 I’m cold again, but I don’t get to fight back with motion or activity. This morning I have to just stand here and take it. The wind cuts through my two layers, hits me right in the chest and lets me know it’s gonna be a long half-hour. I’m on the platform at San Bernadino train station waiting for Metrolink.

This is my first time riding the train since the cross-country Amtrak ride when I was a kid. I have a vague memory of cornfields flashing by. I remember the feeling of excited freedom, like I could go anywhere in the world. I thought the train actually went wherever I wished it to go. How magnanimous of me to take those other people along.

Ticket purchase was quick and simple. Machines walk you through the transaction. $11 on a debit card and I’m ready to board. I wanted to be sure I’d done it right, so I checked in with the security guard who confirmed that I was now in possession of viable transportation to Los Angeles Union Station. Now all I have to do is survive the cold for 30 minutes.

I tightened up my hoodie and rocked in place from left foot to right. I squirreled and squirmed in hopes of a respite from the biting wind. And I’ve only got to be here for half hour. This poor guy has to stand here all day. This is his job!

I peered around the concrete column between us, smiled and said, “hey man, how do you do this? How do you stand in this cold wind all day?”

“Well, you get used to it, and it’s not so bad.”

I rocked in place another minute or so, then he leaned around the pillar and smiled.

“If you stand on this side of the column, you won’t feel it so much.”

On the other side of the pillar, there’s a spot, about the width of one Lennox, where the wind doesn’t reach. A little bubble of protection, and it even has a supply of direct sunlight to thaw a frozen traveler.

I do not like to be cold. Did I say that already?

It was torturous for me, but there’s always someone else who has had to endure more for longer. Sometimes there’s no activity to fix it—you just gotta stand there and take it. Sometimes, if you consult with one who has stood longer than you, you may be gifted with information or a tool to ease your journey. And... there are safe places appointed, even at the heart of cold.

Thanks be to Josh, my security guard, without whom I would have further dissipated.

Goodnight, Beautiful...

Goodnight Strender

288---Joshua Tree

First time visiting Joshua Tree national park. Impressive, beautifully desolate. I love trees, you know I love trees, but I didn't know there are rock mountains there. Loved the rocks!! Climbed up a few boulders and hiked a couple trails. Forty-seven degrees is not part of my conditioning, but one willingly trades air temperatures for a day of such beauty.

photo by Zoe Pamintuan

Heard hours and hours of new (to me) music this weekend. Vanessa Carlton, Michael Buble, Norah Jones, Rob Thomas, Pomplamoose, Marie Digby, Madonna, Jack Johnson, Susanna Hoffs, Tears for Fears...

I love input weekends.

On the drive back from the park, I'm thinking about logistics for performing, recording, and distributing music in 2010. We just finished two more songs at the red room over at Melrose Music: State of Compromise and Seize The Moments.

I'm going to spend a few minutes working on my profile page at Reverbnation--start inviting you to join as fans so I send out update emails and keep you posted on developments in the music. So far I've been sending updates through my regular gmail account and I think that has reached it's limit.

I'm feeling lonely, though finer company I could never find. I'm sequestered with Zoe, Dulce and Mark for some family time this weekend. I feel lonely often but it's just a low-hum in the back of my mind and not a full-blown sadness. A headline from "Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart" comes to mind: Unrequited love is painful, but not romantic.

Ain't nothing romantic about loneliness. It's just tiring and difficult. Last thing I want to do is pay homage to the patron saint of hopeless romance.

I have about 4 days worth of unchecked messages on my voicemail. I'm deeply honored that so many people are calling to connect in the last couple of weeks before I travel. I am so sorry if I haven't been able to connect with you or if I haven't returned your call. I do love you very much. This weekend I stole away, got out of town, went to the desert.

I've been thinking about n0t having a cellphone when I leave Los Angeles. Just use the internet as my primary tool of communication. Scott suggested an option: http://www.ooma.com/

Speaking of Scott, he sent me an mp3 of ideas for vocal arrangements on Days Of Rain. I haven't listened yet. I'll do that tonight.

Rest is still one of the main rhythms I'm building into my life. It's time to do fewer things with greater excellence. It's time for fine-tuning and accountability. I know I need sleep. Nobody made me stay up watching tv until 4 this morning. That was my choice and my health bears the consequence. We have a concert next Saturday evening. I need to be strong, rested, rid of this cold.

Well, I definitely want to get mp3s to Brian and David tonight, so I'm going to work.

Goodnight, Beautiful...

Goodnight, Strender

295-Miracle

A miracle will be performed less than 10 feet from me. And I get to stand there and watch. Many times the miracles around us are unscheduled. We don't know they're coming and we miss them when they do. But this is one I've known about for months. I even know what I'll be wearing when it happens. Today my brother Sean marries his best friend.

You know I have a passion for marriage. I know only too well that there will be trials ahead for my brother and his wife. I know they're gonna face all manner of enemies, foreign, domestic, internal. There will be historical and generational fears to confront. Memories long forgotten will rise to haunt once more.

The miracle is stronger than these. I believe Love is stronger than every force of darkness combined. I believe the choice to make another person part of yourself is the choice to empower them with your greatest joy and darkest sorrow, the power to wound and the power to heal your very soul.

Yesterday, with eyes overspilled, one of my sisters told of her fear that we are losing the commitment to love each other, the community of humankind. We've let our children become invisible. We relegate the miracle of union to a mundane and disreputed institution. We forget to love on purpose.

I have watched my brother prepare for today. I watched him study. I heard his heart ask only how to heal hers. I know he went to the Captain, and he still goes. I believe he will keep going, and find the strength and knowledge to renew the miracle over and again. I have hope enough for my friends.

It is not a light thing to approach the Almighty and request to be joined with another. It is not a light thing to approach the Almighty. This joining, only God can do this. Sex is easy--Union is a miracle.

I see how much she wants to make him stronger. He tells of her beauty with wonder in his eyes.

I believe. I've seen many things, enough to know that I've seen enough to know. And I believe. In enemies unseen. In Love unstoppable. In miracles that last and grow, and die. And live again.

I hope my voice returns this week. I miss reading to you.

Goodnight, Beautiful...

Goodnight, Strender

298--Impractical

I have journeyed impractical paths in pursuit of impossible dreams.

Regarding the leap that is faith, I did not jump; I was pushed.

Last night while listening to a song that refers to God as Jehovah Jireh, my provider, I closed my eyes and leaned into that assurance. Jokingly, and sometimes not, I've referred to Him as Jehovah Sneaky--The God who tricked me into the commitments on which I stand.

Those things God asked, He did not trick me into. He's been upfront about opportunity costs.

Random Tangent: Andrey just said to me, "If you're entering something and you see sign of Dragon, be careful."

Earlier today I chatted with a friend who hadn't until now realized how close my departure approaches. He says I'll be missed.

I said to my friend that I don't miss the people who are in my heart, because any time I need them, I simply look inside. He asked me how I manage this much heart interaction. Honest answer, bro? I don't know how to manage this many people. Maybe the secret is that I don't have to manage people...I simply experience them.

Can I be present in each moment with the person I'm with and neither miss the last nor crave the next interaction?

In the end, we are all connected, and we are all alone.

long, since I wore my own disdain

that weighs me heavy, more than yours

I sketch the beauty and the shame

and break them neatly into fours

Good night, Beautiful...

Goodnight, Strender

302--Winds Changing

Tanja's comment about the chimney sweep, "I didn't realize he was an artist--I thought he was a bum!..... O, wait, same thing."

Just watched Mary Poppins. Love the way she can make everything better with a spoonful of sugar. I hadn't realized how many of my own ideas about artistry and practicality being mutually exclusive, are expressed at tension in that movie. I vaguely remember watching it as a child. But the music started coming back as we laughed and sang along.

Charted music for one of the songs at my December 5 backyard fundraiser concert. Island ryhthm with accompanying Cello. Organically classical. Like an artist businessman.

Why are there fuzzy pillows in my office?

Hope you had a brilliant day.

I'm having a spoonful of honey in my Theraflu.

Goodnight, Beautiful...

Goodnight, Strender

303--Village

Watched a lot of tv this week. Sal said the pilot of V reminded him of the Great Controversy, a book by Ellen White. I was hooked right away.

Also watched Glimpse of Eternity with Ian McCormack, Dan's recommendation. I'm about to watch it again (There's a link at the bottom of this post).

I watch the tv my friends watch. It's the way I shop for anything else. I figure I'll probably enjoy what the people I like enjoy.

Sometimes, though, I have to beware what things I can't afford to let in at a particular time. Like for some reason the sitcom 'Friends' has been tough for me to watch. I find myself becoming way more sexual and sarcastic as I identify with the lives of the main characters. I noticed I was making different jokes, laughing at different jokes and less careful in my thoughts about sexuality.

I even noticed that I'm not affected that way by an episode or two. But the way I watch tv, it's a whole season at a time, and the continuity of the story intertwines with moral fiber. The tapestry shows color lines instead of color spots---a more sustained impact on choice patterns. Makes me think about the way habits are formed. I'm told it takes repetition of about 21 days to create a new habit-groove in the brain.

When forced to be still, as I have been this week, I notice many thoughts about priority. With energy supply restricted, we do only what must be done, and conserve energy from those things that aren't necessary. It's like spending money or any other resource. When we have less, we spend differently.

That reminds me, Andrey's going to teach me how to create and execute next year's budget. We start on that next week. It's go time. We're down to 30 days from a huge adventure.

Yesterday, around 5, Wanee called and asked if it was ok to bring over some Thai Vegetarian soup from Yai (nearby restaurant). The soup was delicious, and company delightful. Thank you, Wanee.

Then Dan stopped by and we drove to Burbank for Chipotle and conversation. Two full meals within three hours, and there was room for more. I guess my appetite is back, and that's great news. Feels like this cold or whatever is on its way out.

Already today, Cecilia checked to see if I need anything and I asked if she could just play with Vegas. I haven't been able to play with him much this week. I'm sure he's bored.

What would I do without my friends? It takes a village to shape a man.

Goodnight, Beautiful...

Goodnight, Strender