The 40th Orbit

1-starting from zero

2010-09-13T22:37:00.000-07:00

This is my final entry in this blog. Thank you for reading and contributing to it. I'll continue blogging, but tomorrow I'll blog directly to my website www.lennoxfleary.com

Tomorrow I will have completed 40 trips in a cosmic circle. Maybe I've learned something from going round all these times. This blog was a record of my 40th orbit around the sun, hence the countdown to zero in the title numbers.

The new blog will document the adventure I've dubbed "Three Thousand Bosses"

By car and rail, I'll be traversing states and nations, meeting people and making music. Kristi and Ray blessed me by saying they think this will end with way more than 3000 Bosses. We shall see. The new blog will count upward starting from zero. The orbit ends, the hiring begins.

At the precise moment of change, everything goes to zero.

Thanks for your support.

Goodnight, Beautiful...

Goodnight, Strender

2--Final Frontier

2010-09-12T13:21:00.001-07:00

I got my heart broken today. When I looked to see who had done it, I saw only myself.

5--Drunken

2010-09-09T18:15:00.001-07:00

One hour massage from Eva Rose at Knowledge Massage this afternoon. Amazing! I love her holistic approach to care. She's ministering to your spirit as well as relaxing and healing your body. Funny thing, I had some kind of euphoria afterward, so I showed up at Cornerstone to meet with Janna, sporting the most loving attitude. I could hear the universe singing. I could feel my skin flirting with my shirt.

I was like that drunk guy at the bar who loves everybody. You know the guy, "drinks for everyone!"

That's pretty much how I was at 4:30 this afternoon. Massages for everyone, I'm buying. Then I realized I can't afford to buy all of you guys a massage, but it's only $35 an hour right now, plus there's a special introductory offer. Blah, blah, blah, I love you. Call Eva NOW!!!

If you live near 97128, check out Knowledge Massage.

503-857-5563

I'm serious. I'm not drunk. For real. For serious.

5--Chellie Campbell Article: Everyone's In Sales

2010-09-09T09:48:00.000-07:00

I went back to Los Angeles in 2005, worked at Carsdirect.com for a few months and then moved into video production at EyeAppeal Media, a videography company out of Canoga Park. The owners are long time friends of mine--I went to college with Deedra.

Deedra would send me out to networking functions to meet and greet vendors and suppliers who might have interest or relevant need for our services. I met some amazing people during those networking tours. I also learned how to deliver a 30-second "elevator speech."

One of the most dynamic personalities I encountered at a WRS (Worthwhile Referral Source) meeting was Chellie Campbell, who simply captivates an audience from the very first moment. I learned many things from her, although we never had more than two brief conversations. I have continued to receive her emails since 2006, and more than once now I have noticed subroutines in my thinking about money and wealth, that were likely installed by her writing and persona.

Here is an article included in a recent email from Chellie:

# 204 Everyone’s in Sales

“I don’t care how many degrees you have on the wall, if you don’t know how to sell, you’re probably going to starve.”—George Forman

Some of the stories in this book look like they’re meant just for salespeople and business owners. They aren’t. If you are a salaried employee, someone owns the business you work for and someone is in charge of raising the money to run it. Top salaries and perks are handed out to the people who are best at bringing in the money. Learn how they do it and contribute to the cause. Be one of the people who care about cash flow, cutting expenses, maximum efficiency, and productivity. Look for opportunities to maximize income and minimize expenses. Anyone can do this. Put yourself in your bosses’ shoes and think as they think. What do you think they want most—and how can you give them that? Be one of the profit centers of the business and your success will be assured.

Everyone is in sales. When you convince your significant other to go with you to the movie you want to see, that’s a sale. When you convince your child to stay in school, that’s a sale. When you convince a friend to stop drinking, that’s a sale.

I’m reminded of a conversation I had one day with a boyfriend named Bobby. I was trying to convince him to go with me to a movie. Well, Bobby was a salesperson too, and all of a sudden noticed all the sales techniques I was using on him. He said, “Chellie, you are closing all the time and you don’t even know you’re doing it!”

When I said, “Well, you know you want to see me,” he said, “That’s the Assumptive Close!” I continued, “And we could either go see that romantic comedy or the spy movie” and he said, “That’s the Alternative of Choice Close!” I said, “We would have fun, get to laugh, eat popcorn, have some balance in our lives, and the only down side is taking some time away from work.” “Benjamin Franklin Close!” Bobby hooted. “So what do you think?” I said, and stopped talking. Bobby didn’t say anything either. After a long silence, Bobby said, “Final Close, and The Next One Who Speaks Loses. I guess that’s me.” And so we went to the movies!

We’re all making sales every day. Use your powers of persuasion to convince others to contribute to your charity, organize political action, improve the schools in your community, or help you turn a hobby into a money-making home business. Help your company to make more money—and then convince the powers that be to give you a raise. The raise will not come automatically—you have to ask for it and show the reasons why you deserve it. It’s a sale.
You are a marvelous, creative human being and endless opportunities await you. Look for them. Then sell your way into them.

Today’s Affirmation: “I am a marvelous, creative person and wonderful opportunities await me.”

Please feel free to copy this article and use it wherever you like. Just include the following “author box” for attribution:

Chellie Campbell is the creator of the Financial Stress Reduction® Workshops, and author of The Wealthy Spirit and Zero to Zillionaire. She has been prominently quoted as a financial expert in the Los Angeles Times, Good Housekeeping, Lifetime, Essence, Woman’s World and more than 50 popular books. She can be reached at Chellie@chellie.com

6--yearning learning

2010-09-08T04:00:00.000-07:00

Out of the depths of anguish, my soul cried to the Lord...Isn't that something David would say? Or did he actually say exactly that? There's a song my worship team's been learning and singing lately. I think it's from the Jesus Culture band out of Redding, CA. It's starts off..."my soul longs for you, nothing else will do"...

I've remarked over and again that I don't feel qualified to sing that since I don't really feel like my soul actually longs for God. I can't honestly say that I desire so greatly to be with God that I would define my need as a longing, or a yearning.

On Friday I was part of a conversation about personality types, as profiled by the Myers Briggs Indicator system. I'm an undoubted introvert. Yesterday Christopher said, I keep thinking, "what! Lennox is an invert?"

It's true. After enough time with people, I want to come away and be alone in the silence that allows me to heal something within. It's a familiar pattern. I've seen it and practiced it to the point of ritual. Except, now it's not working so good....

What to do when silence is not enough? I think of Merna's posting, "Do I hear you in my silence?"

Well, do I?

And is this growing desire for more, the beginning of a yearning? Is this how yearning happens? I'm quite sure I don't want human company. Vegas, at least, ignores my crazy antics and all the things I say to the walls.

My soul longs for you

Nothing else will do

I believe you will come like the rain.

Good thing I moved to Oregon.

So, um....ah, well...

let it rain?

7-Moving In Your Power

2010-09-07T05:56:00.000-07:00

Seems I've regained the ability to sleep in. And having dreams, to boot. Time to return to the "real" world. Spent an entire weekend at worship with family, couple hundred of my closest friends.

Got lost in this song I'm recording bass for. It's by Truth Knox, long-time family. 4 hours pumping the same message through my headphones yesterday, and again this morning. It's amazing how you internalize what you feed into your senses. I'm listening to it right now as I prepare for work.

When the final mix is available, I have Truth's permission to include this song in the "Bosses" section of the new website.

I remember why I became a bass player. It's a quiet, unobtrusive position. If I do my job well, you don't need to know I'm there. If all goes well, I can remain relatively invisible. Shouldn't draw any attention unless I'm messing up or doing too much. This track let's me do that, support without being seen.

God does what He does--I just work here.

Have a great day, Beautiful

Time to name your exit date, Strender

11--Windrose

2010-09-03T14:51:00.000-07:00

Windrose Retreat Center in Newberg, beautiful space. Right next to the highway, I've driven past this location so many times and never even knew it was here. It's almost 3 pm. I've been with this company for 7 hours now. I feel their passion and I admire their tenacity. I hope this conversation is helpful to them. I'm wondering if I'm helping? Is this just an annoying exercise for them?

11--Retreat

2010-09-03T06:54:00.000-07:00

Off to Newberg to facilitate company retreat for a manufacturing company based in Mcminnville. That's all day from 8am to 5pm, and then in the car to head straight to Brownsville for church retreat, Festival of Tents.

I was telling the Osterlunds, I'm not a camper. Not so much. As in, not really at all. So I borrowed Corey's rachet set yesterday, took the back seat out of my SUV and stuck a single mattress in the back there. Perfect fit. This was my favorite accomplishment yesterday. I don't see the point of losing sleep on a retreat for lack of comfort.

13--Up on the hill

2010-09-01T21:16:00.000-07:00

Dinner with the Osterlunds--so much laughter. Last time I spoke at church, I went off on a metaphor of Power and how it can only be accessed by maintaining connection. At the end of the service, John Osterlund came up to me and said,

"You know, there's no power without resistance."

We picked up from there tonight. The electrical conduit that brings the power to the bulb is designed with low resistance, because its job is to get the power to where it's needed. But the place where work must be accomplished is waylaid with resistance, because it's the action of power against resistance that makes that light bulb glow, or those fan-blades spin.

I learn a lot from my conversations with John. Tonight he challenged my self-righteousness about playing music to drunk audiences.

"There's probably no one closer to depending on Jesus than drunks and drug addicts--they've already learned how to depend..."

Hmmm, John, I think you're right. I was wrong. Even though I know in my heart that God loves us exactly where we are, I spoke out of my insecurity. Thank you for the reminder. I'm finding that age 40 seems a good time to outgrow the illusion of self-righteousness. It's when you've lived long enough to know you're a jackass, and long enough to realize Jesus likes you still. I suppose I should use my last 13 days to feel as right as possible before I lose that claim entirely.

Feeling pretty humbled today. Cathy called me on the fact I have too many people in my life and can't keep up with all of them. The 18 unchecked voicemail messages on my phone agree. Well, 17 of them agree. Truth just calls to talk to my voicemail anyway--they have a thing. If she accidentally gets me on the phone, she'll talk to me too, but really, I know when I'm just a substitute.

Don't know what to do about the fact there are so many people in my life, but I've been thinking about it for years. And I know one thing I do want to change by living in the same place for a long while, is how well I'm known. I not only want to know many people, but live with, dwell among, and be deeply known, by a few. Somewhere in this balance of family and community and world, there is room to connect at the level each relationship can bear. Hence, dinner. With the Osterlunds.

I was sad today so I ate peanut butter cookies, which made me sadder cause they don't taste as good as I want them to. Cantaloupe is so much better.

14--in passing

2010-08-31T17:05:00.000-07:00

God is supplying what I need. Work is not back up to full speed. I'm getting 8 hours a day times three days is 24 hours a week compared to my usual 34.5 In the meantime I have ample opportunity to watch him provide. People have been bringing me food, unsolicited. They just show up with food, or money. I just opened mail with money in it that I didn't ask for.

On the way to Darlene's to pick up Vegas this afternoon, I thought, "better duck in and pay the internet bill now or I won't have a chance until next week." So I stopped.

Heading into the Cable office, I heard my name, but it took me a second to realize the person calling me was Pastor Randy, whom I've not seen in years. He's talking to another pastor, conversations go a couple minutes before I'm being invited to come and share music. Can't seem to steer away, even if I'd want to, so good thing I don't want to.

Got 25 recordings ready to go to Topher for inclusion on the new site. Don't know how he's gonna set up the video section, but I'm working on video content next. I'd like to have a lot of video content, so we may have to keep the content on Youtube or Vimeo and link it from the site. Not sure how it's gonna work. But he's the man and I'm sure he'll connect it right.

Tonight's rehearsal is the last before our team leads worship at Festival this weekend. We've worked hard the last few months.

What does it say when it's only Tuesday, and your shoulders are begging for Sabbath?

Anthony asked me if I was to ride a motorcycle, what kind would I get? I don't know. I like that one that Liana used to ride. What kind was that?

Don't forget that on September 14, I'm shutting down this blog and starting the new blog: 3000 Bosses.

See you there!

15--Sorrel

2010-08-30T21:22:00.000-07:00

So back home in the caribbean, we call it 'Sorrel.' Here it's called 'Jamaica,'

(prounounced ha-my-kah). It's a chilled tea brewed from the dried seedpod casings of a hibiscus relative. Made some, as promised, to take with me to spend some time with Katie and Nidia this evening.

Tim, Katie's brother, joined us. He's recently back from Japan. Very smart young man. I'm sure I'll continue to be impressed with his thoughtful way. Anthony and Hannah joined us too, and pretty soon we had a little party going at the kitchen table while Boy Scouts traipsed past us to their weekly meeting down the hall. That reminds me, I want to get over there to one or more of their meetings, but when would I find the time for that?

No time, not enough. See, this is why eternity becomes important. I don't have enough time to do all the stuff I already know about. Haven't been to the Japanese school yet. When I first met Nidia and Katie a couple or three months ago, I asked, "what do you like about Sheridan?" Their response was to tell me about the amazing exchange program school here in Sheridan, insisting it's one of the best things that's happened to our town, and encouraging me to go check it out. Haven't done that yet. Need more time. Must have more time.

Lots of rambling conversation, maybe not so random, but without question my favorite quote of the evening is this from Nidia:

"I hate pickles..they're just cucumbers soaked in...evil"

16--Vulnerable

2010-08-29T08:00:00.000-07:00

Every time I perform I come home so tired. I think it's something about opening your soul in public, allowing power, whatever you believe that power to be, to flow unabated through your spirit, mind, body. It's exhausting to remain vulnerable, isn't it? Be it on stage or off, the dynamics of connection remain the same. Defenses are removed and you are seen as you are.

Four such engagements in 2 days. This morning found me curled on my couch next to my dog, praying for strength to get off my couch. Simple thing, I should be able to do this on my own. But I have now to pray for strength for the simplest of tasks. It appears rather than growing stronger, I'm getting weaker by the minute. Rather than rising to power, I seem to be fading into obscurity. This is as it should be.

I'm ready for today. I would have dearly loved to have someone to come home to last night, but that is not my situation. I realize I'm watching Stargate because the characters have become family to me. FAMILIAR is derived from family and that's what they provide--a small but familiar comfort in the illusion of someone(s) to come home to. They are episodic and can comfort me no more than 45 minutes at a time, if that.

I also came home to an email from my real family, my biologicals. It referred me to this song, which is now playing as I prepare for today's adventures.

Thank you Beautiful

Off the couch, Strender

17--Breathe

2010-08-28T07:09:00.001-07:00

Woke up with a headache. That's been happening more of late. Not sleeping very well. Very shallow breathing. I'll consciously draw deep breaths, but within minutes I forget and go back to quick, shallow breathing until the next time I think about it.

Today the worship team is getting together for a retreat, in preparation for leading music at Festival of Tents next weekend in Brownsville. We'll be together from 9 to 3 today.

I'm also playing at a fundraiser for a mission trip, 5pm at Clockworks coffeeshop in Salem.

Speaking of playing, the band last night was really good. I couldn't hear so well, but I trust that it sounded fine out there, judging by peoples' response. We were playing at Methven Family Vineyards and by the first intermission, we had an invitation to play down the road at Brooks Winery.

I got to meet Jonah. He's a delightful kid. I am so impressed with his parents and the campaign they are spearheading. And I'm very proud of my friend Melissa who organized such an amazing and elegant event last night. It really was spectacular.

By the time I get home today, I'll want to exercise my rights as an introvert. It's the weirdest dichotomy, loving people as much as I do, craving time alone, being present in each phase. When I'm with people, I'm loving that moment and the shared connection. When I'm alone, I'm remembering to breathe deeply and rest and stand in the river and play with my dog. Without the rest I could not collect my thoughts or repair my body enough to have energy for the other phase. Without the people, I'd grow rested and stronger without purpose. Strength without purpose is rogue strength. It's an un-focused power which can do only damage, or at best, sporadic and accidental good.

I'm gonna lay here and breathe a while longer. Then we'll sing and eat like family.

19--Faster and faster

2010-08-26T11:41:00.000-07:00

So yesterday I received an invitation to coach a company at an offsite retreat during a period of company growth. With commitments as they currently stand I had to rearrange a couple things to make it fit the schedule, but we can work it out. I have reached that stage where I have to say no to some things. This one seemed important to say yes to.

In my work as a Life Coach I facilitate life design for several clients. I need to revisit my own planning process because now there's so much happening that I need to make decisions about what stays and what goes.

For the next 4 months, I'm still carrying responsibility to my job, but the ministry and business are reaching launch velocity. I think I can handle all of it for 4 months, but that will mean very judicious use of time and I will have to say no to many things I would like to engage.

My alliteration for the day, 3D: Do, Delete, Delegate. This is how I'm going to approach my life design. Some things I'll have to do myself, as I'm am essential to that part of the process, but some things that have to be done, don't have to be done by me. I can delegate much. And some things simply won't get done and they'll be deleted from the plan.

I'm spending today preparing mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually for the Fundraiser event tomorrow. We've begun each rehearsal with prayer not just for a good synergy as musicians, but for healing for Jonah. I am not just a musician, I'm a man of faith and I believe that God can heal this boy without research.

I got in a conversation with someone about this type of faith being labeled "magic faith." The connotation of archaic simplicity was attached to the label.

I do have faith in medical process, and I think that the knowledge on which that process draws is bestowed by a source, an all-knowing source, with benevolent intent.

Do you see what I'm getting at here? If you're a praying person, join us in this. I'm also excited that the band is going to deliver a great performance tomorrow to entertain our guests and hopefully encourage them to give money to the medical research of a cure for Jonah. Do I need to feel this conflict about supporting both efforts? Are they mutually exclusive? Does it betray my faith in Divine Power to organize human efforts?

How do faith and work walk hand in hand?

27--Heavy

2010-08-20T22:22:00.000-07:00

It's been about 3 years since that conversation with Fayez. We met through a mutual friend, Bjorn, at a crucial time in my journey through Hollywood.

Fayez grew up Muslim. Of the things we talked about, there is this gem that revisits me tonight:

"It is customary in my culture to say to someone experiencing hardship or difficult circumstance, God must like you!"

"I know it seems weird to say, but the idea is that God must like you to entrust you with such a large burden. He must think well of you and believe that you are worthy of honor, or He would not give you such a task to accomplish. He must think your character is highly valuable to further develop it with such great resistance."

Personally, I'm not feeling burdened right now. In fact, I just came from an amazing rehearsal with Emmanuel, Joshua, Bethany, and Tammy. I'll be glowing a while from the warmth of the camaraderie and music. For some reason, though, that conversation with Fayez drove home with me in the moonlight, so I wanted to share it with you.

If you're going through something that threatens to break you, let me offer you the perspective of my friend, with whom I've not communicated in far too long: God must like you!

Have a great weekend, Beautiful...

Shabbat Shalom, Strender

27--My office

2010-08-20T13:03:00.000-07:00

My office is portable. I love it. Macbook and cellphone, I'm good to go, how may I help you?

Started the day at Slow Train, Nick's shop. I really love the way our community meets and interacts at his place. Meredith shared the concept of the "third place" with me. People need a place to live, a place to work, and a "third place," a place to hang out and relax and connect and interact and share lives. Nick's shop is that place for so many people in this town. Thanks for what you're doing here, Nick.

Met Barbara today, a videographer and graphic artist from Orange County, looking sideways at this town, wondering if it's the next chapter of her life.

Now I'm still in my office, but it's moved outside to the grass next to the railroad track. Vegas gets bored when I'm working indoors and there's nothing for him to do but lie on the couch and wait until I'm ready to walk to the river or something. Well, today I'm working out here and he can pay attention to all the interesting sights and smells today's office provides.

28--Mactown

2010-08-19T16:56:00.000-07:00

My little town, Sheridan, is 12 miles from Mcminnville. Another awesome town, slightly bigger, 26,000 population. Met Travis and Jake at Cornerstone to plan a video. Aaron was at the c0unter--I would have liked to hear the 8 songs his band has recorded so far, but it didn't work out this time.

Ran into Kathy Aplin too--she was having the Peach Pizazzz, I tried one; so good, soo good!

Never been to the Thursday Farmer's Market (for Farmers who only farm on Thursday) before. How much amazing food can you fit on a single city block?

Met photographer Torrey Engberg Smith. Great nature scenes.

Also ran into a friend who had a flower booth at the market and she sent me over to introduce myself to Barbara Boyer who runs the thing, which I did and got on the list of musical entertainers for the market. Thanks Lisa!

28--A bucketful

2010-08-19T09:39:00.001-07:00

Ever feel like you're standing at the edge of a crater, trying to fill it with the dirt in a 5-gallon bucket? How do you do that thing that seems impossible? How do you get a town excited about community when it appears we are afraid to trust each other?

What becomes apparent to me is that only a miracle can fill this crater. Clayton just reminded us of a story where God sends ravens with food to a homeless prophet camped by a brook in a drought-scorched land. Is that like the family who gave me this box of 100 nutrition bars last week? 260 Calories each, and you know I'm on the hunt for calories to fuel the energetic demands of this lifestyle. Certified organic, amazingly healthy list of ingredients, taste great (thank you Lord for the reminder--I'd forgotten how much I love chocolate), made by Greens +

You know, I think it's important to approach the crater and tip over your bucket. It's an act of faith. We all know that 5 gallons of dirt won't fill the volcano. And the volcano's just the dormant scar left by former explosive trauma. What if the thing goes active again? What if I aggravate a new eruption? Do you even want to go near it, let alone attempt to fill it?

That's where the magic comes in. I tip my bucket and He fills the hole. My bucket would appear insignificant by comparison to His miracle, but it appears the miracle was activated or unleashed by whatever was in that bucket. I thought it was dirt, it could have been faith.

Remember when the disciples had 5000 people to feed and all they had was a kid's lunch? So Jesus said, you're right, it's a drop in a bucket, a bucket in a crater, you should quit now, that's completely impractical, and for that matter, impossible.

That's not what He said. He said, "feed them."

Then, seeing the doubt on their faces, He said, "well at least tell them to sit down."

Tip the bucket, yo. See what happens.

29--FFA

2010-08-18T20:13:00.000-07:00

I love my small country town. I love that on the drive home just now, I interrupted someone who emerged from his front yard into the road and launched his crossing without looking either way. Then when he did realize my car was coming, he lurched to a stop and glared at me as I drove past, no doubt berating my insolence at driving a car on a road he's obviously about to walk on.

I love that at night there are 14 gazillion stars overhead. I distinctly remember that the big city I lived in not so long ago couldn't afford more that a dozen stars at a time, and sometimes the ones I counted at first glance turned out to be planes circling the international airport. I love that my little town has an airport where the strip is overgrown with grass and flowers and I take my dog there to run.

Sure, life is slower here, but if you're looking for what I'm looking for, that's a good thing.

I'm puzzled, though, because I keep hearing from people who live in this town how it's not the place to be. I hear from so many that the only thing to look for in this town is an exit. Take one and keep going. With little or no encouragement, I've had residents launch tirades, full-fledged diatribes on what is wrong with this town. I got tired of hearing what's wrong with this town so I started asking a different question: "What right with this town?"

Sheridan, founded in 1880, home to 5, 580 residents.

I met Roy Whitman today. He's actually from the next town over, Willamina. He's the Agricultural Science & Technology Instructor at the local high school. We had a beer together and he had just started telling me about his Christmas project when I realized that's why I know his name... just last Saturday Meredith told me about this teacher who has his class pack food and care packages for families in need at Christmas.

Preparations continue for Jonah's fundraiser on the 27th. The band is rehearsing again on Friday night. I think Tammy will be back from California by then, so this will be her first rehearsal with us. So far it's been the rhythm section and two vocals. The other two vocals are Tammy and Liana. That reminds me, Liana's in San Francisco to audition for American Idol tomorrow. Good luck, little sister!

You know, there are things that I have to be grateful for and say thank you to God about. Like someone just out of the blue gave me a $50 gift card last week. I'm short on money because of reduced hours at work, and this guy would have no way of knowing my situation, but he just said to me, "I've had this in my pocket a while and I think I'm supposed to give it to you."

Little things like that just brighten my day and also make me feel like I am hearing and following my path as designed.

Lots of appointments tomorrow. I'm signing off now.

Truth, I still haven't gotten that bassline for you. I'll listen to your tune while I work on other stuff tomorrow so hopefully, I'll hear something and be able to record it for you on Friday.

30--sleep or drive, but not both

2010-08-17T17:49:00.001-07:00

Figured I'd know it was time to let go of the job when there was enough to do on the music side that I simply could no longer keep up with the job. It must be close. Exhausted on the job today. After last night's 3-hour rehearsal, I'm really glad it was a busy day. The adrenaline kept me moving. Had I nothing to do at work today, I would have had a very hard time. Close to dozing 3 times on my drive home. Don't need to be a hazard to folks on the road. Need rest.

Rest is 4 hours away right now. Tonight's rehearsal begins at 7 and usually goes to 10.

Is it possible I'm allergic to my dog? I get itchy after I've played with him.

30--True Story

2010-08-17T05:39:00.000-07:00

The frame of the new site is up, and now we have 30 days to load it with content and images. So Topher and I are working back and forth with each other getting ready, giving feedback, trading ideas. If you think of something that you'd like to see on the site, now's a good time to mention it while we're building.

I'm really impressed with what Topher's building here. The other day I was explaining 3000 Bosses to Meredith and she said, "that's a really great idea Len, and it will work, do you have a good web person?" And I said, "no I don't have a good web person, I have the best!"

True story, Topher.

thanks for all your hard work.

32--Buckets

2010-08-15T15:48:00.000-07:00

After my unplanned sermon today, John renewed a standing invitation to tea and Clayton invited me to blueberry picking.

"Right now?"

"Yeah, right now!"

Ok, if you've never picked blueberries, there are some things you'll need to know. Muscles. You're gonna need them. This activity is not for the faint-hearted or weak-armed. You will need the musculature of a greek god to execute the delicate roll between thumb and finger that loosens the berry.

A good pair of shades is almost as important as the security of good company. Topics of conversation ranged from water systems and video production to marriage and life-design. Jeroboam made it into the conversation, yes he did. Random is good.

This next part is what I think trips most people up. Once you have loosened the berry from it's perch, it goes in your mouth. Sadly, most pickers are mis-informed and will instead collect the berries in bags or buckets.

I don't know that you can taste a difference between Liberty berries and Aurora, but both types are out here. We gathered Aurora's.

As it worked out, we did occasionally put some of the berries into containers. Nobody's perfect.

Here are the spoils of the day. I arrived at home with berries for my freezer and finally sat down long enough to hear this message from Clayton, left on my voicemail last night:

"Hey buddy, I'm around this weekend Sunday and Monday, so call me up, let's do something...random is good"

Yeah, bro, it is.

32--early preparations

2010-08-15T03:40:00.000-07:00

Early in the morning, Jesus would get up and go talk to his Dad. I think the closeness of that connection was his main source of strength, and who doesn't need strength to navigate this world, even if it's not your assigned task to save everyone on it. Isn't it hard enough serving your family? I figure sooner or later strength makes the list of things that would help you make it through the day.

I woke up at 3:27. No alarm. My mind woke me. Or my spirit. I don't know. I can safely rule out my body, cause he wanted to stay in bed. Pretty sure about that.

I'm speaking at church today and I don't have something prepared. I usually do by this stage, but I have been thinking about something Christians call Rhema. It's a greek word and my understanding of it is that it describes a current conversation with God. It's not what He said years ago to dead people, which is absolutely still valid and true. But something in me would like to hear from Him today about today and about us.

I'm going to show up and speak to the part of the church where I am in closest relationship, about "God knows what..." I think a lot and I have many thoughts to share, but I want to know that I am being told something to say or I'm going to say nothing. I'm hoping not to be presumptious in this, it's just that it seems to me there is much to be said that is clever and true, but not necessarily a word from our sponsor. I'm holding out for exactly that.

I'm told that when Quakers gather to worship, they sit in silence until someone has something from God for the gathering. That person speaks and then they return to silence until someone else has something. If no one hears anything, no one speaks.

Musically, I've been preparing non-stop. I'm practicing and practicing and studying and learning and practicing.

I recall that I came here and set aside this year, the year of transition to full-time ministry, as a year to investigate the phenomenon and practice of worship. I have no intention of speaking to my family unprepared. It's just that I think preparation today means something else. I'm just going to pray now and listen. I will speak what I am told. It's risky and contrary to my mind. I like to have a plan, but we seem to have left charted waters some time ago.

Also, I've been praying for Jonah's healing. I see this going two ways. Either people mobilize and pool resource to find a treatment, which could arguably be the result of community organizing, an act of faith in itself, or God miraculously heals the boy with a decision, a power beyond our technology, something we might perceive as magic. If anyone has the power to accomplish the unexplained, I believe God can.

34--Mine

2010-08-13T22:51:00.000-07:00

Friday the 13th! Can't say I had any but a super great day. Melissa let me come in and work 4 hours this morning to make up for the short days this week, so 6am to 10--bam! Then I came home and charted music for the Fundraiser. My eyes were swimming by early afternoon. Don't remember falling asleep at the job, but woke up to music not charting itself.

Had a work-session/meeting with Topher, my web-guy. Love the site he's building me, going live a month from tomorrow. The it was back to charting music, off at 7 and just now home from a 3-hour rehearsal with Kevin and the Humlies. Cool band name, would be. But those are their names, really. Kevin Nichols, my bass player and a family band of Joshua, Bethany and Emmanuel Humlie. I'm exhausted, but what a great way to get even more tired. These guys are brilliant musicians. It's gonna be good on the 27th!

I noticed that I refer to Kevin Nichols as "my" bass player. I was thinking how the word "my" can be deployed with possessive connotation, but it can also mean the one to whom I belong. Take for example, "my" Master, or "my" King.

I guess I'm saying Kevin is the bass player to whom I belong. Bethany's pretty fierce too, on the bass. She was vocals tonight, except for one song. We're encouraging her to break out her cello for one of the tunes.

I'm preaching Sunday so I'm listening and gathering thoughts for that. Truth just recorded a new song and I'm hoping I'll hear a bass line for that. The trick to hearing is that you gotta listen. So there's that, and then I also want to spend some time with Meredith this weekend. Plus Topher and I have one more web-dev session planned for Sunday.

All this considered, I'm gonna need some sleep. Time to finish this yogurt and put the lights out.

Goodnight, Beautiful...

Goodnight, Strender

35--The sun is on fire!

2010-08-12T07:08:00.001-07:00

So bright outside. Cold, too. Maybe I wouldn't say cold. Just brisk. Like one long-sleeve layer brisk, and I-can't-play-my-guitar-cause-my-hands-are-cold-from-being-outside-20-minutes brisk.

But it is glorious. This is why I live here. Because I can walk to the river in two minutes.

Jonathan should be here soon.

36--Salutations

2010-08-11T08:24:00.000-07:00

I have prayed one word so far: "Father..."

Slow at work, not much going on at all. Can't get on the phone or do other work-inappropriate things, but I can pray for the several needs I'm aware of.

I got one word in and thought, "am I really qualified to call you Father? Do I know you well enough or represent you as if I was your son? Do I even do that for my Earth-Father?"

He's a good man, my dad. I'm getting to know him, partly through conversation, largely through experience. The more I live the more I realize the strength his road requires. The more I understand the fights he's won, the ones he's lost, the ones he chose to walk away from, the greater my respect for the man to whom I was entrusted.

I think about the assertion that we relate to God through the filtered experience of our relationship with Earth Fathers. What does that mean for you? I know that my Dad is rooting for me.

I've known and heard the pain of those to whom Father means "Enemy" or "Violent Destroyer."

Having prayed one word so far, my spirit stopped to be thankful that I can call God Father and know that He is for me.

Two of you asked me why I'm not praying for Jonah's healing. We're raising money and awareness to research treatment. Isn't my Father the one who heals? What do I have the faith to ask?

I have prayed one word so far: "Father..."

Dare I pray further?

38--Bitter

2010-08-09T14:56:00.000-07:00

Tanja said "I hope you don't become bitter someday and close your heart."

I think about it some days. But there's too much to appreciate and enjoy. Bitter does not mix well with gratitude. Stay grateful, friend. Know that beauty is it's own reward. And life will find you. He would never let you go.

Whether they play your song or not, dance because you can.

37--A poem by Dawn

2010-08-09T05:39:00.000-07:00

Catchphrase of Success by Rae Dawn Pruit

A new feeling consumes me,
terrifies me really.
Success.

My whole life I thought failure is what people feared,
but no, not this day.

Failure is an expectation, not a fear.
When we fail,
we "knew it would happen."

What's the catchphrase of success?
Different for all, save a few?
A completely random quote for the papers?

Today, success terrifies me.
I have done it. I have made my dreams come true.
Now what?
Keep dreaming.
This day and all days.

38--Indigenous

2010-08-08T16:48:00.001-07:00

Speaking of movies, do you ever think it funny how chicks in movies wake up with perfect face? They could have been sleeping face down in a tar-streaked mud-bog, but they wake up looking like a publicity shot, right?

No problem. I go to movies to suspend reality. It's perfectly ok with me. I am aware these indigenous peoples of the Revlon tribe are a purely mythical fabrication.

Except...

I have a friend named Gizelle who just might be one of them. She's not aware that I'm on to her, but I have observed that her hair seems to self-correct and her face is incapable of an un-photogenic expression.

I'll continue my observations quietly. If there's one, there are probably more and I may yet owe apologies for disbelieving that Charlize Theron could wake up so perfectly in Italian Job.

38--Inside Jokes

2010-08-08T15:48:00.000-07:00

I love inside jokes. At least, I do when I'm on the "in" side of the joke.

Today after church I put my new bookshelf and monster cabbage (thank you, Rineharts!) in my car and met Jessi at the kitchen for lunch. Home-made sourdough, home-made strawberry jam, amazing Cocoa Mint tea from Teavana with rock sugar crystals the size you could slingshot at targets across the street.

Caleb and Jeff and Gab were there too and we talked about one of the ideas that Jessi brought up regarding the community of Sheridan, the idea of "Time Banks."

Gab's feedback was that she'd love to serve, but something didn't feel quite right about expecting service in return. Maybe we just need a list of the service needs in our community so that we can match up the needs with those skilled and available to fill them. Who's going to organize and play the role of dispatch to this idea?

Lunch was amazing, thank you Jessi. Then Caleb and I started thinking about watching a movie. Maybe Nine, maybe Iron Man II, maybe both. Where shall we do this? Who's got a big-screen?

No luck on the big-screen, maybe we'll have to watch it on our computers. Caleb offers, "yah, I watch movies on the computer when it's just me, but when you're with the guys, you gotta have a big-screen."

Jessi wonders "why?"

Well, you can't have all the guys crowding in close together to see a tiny little computer screen. Each guy's gotta have arms length and domain. Otherwise it might lead to "man-cuddling."

And that's the thing about an inside joke. I'm pretty sure Jessi or Caleb or Jeff or myself will use the word "man-cuddle" conversationally and to each others' delight, but if you weren't there, you just have to wonder what the heck those people are talking about.

Never resolved the situation, so here I am at home, by myself, about to vacuum and tidy up so I can call it a day, and flop down on the couch for computer-screen tv and some much less stigmatized "dog-cuddling," which is allowable to do, but not to say, so let's just leave the terms outside for a bit, shall we?

Stargate season 5, here we go...

39--Gas Money

2010-08-07T22:51:00.000-07:00

It's a simple thing, but Darlene drove and Caleb paid for gas and that's how I got to Silverton last night. I had fun playing that show and I met some wonderful people and connected with old friends. It's just another example of the fact that I can't do this without you guys.

When Liana asked me to play, I said "sure, I'd love to, but I don't have gas money to get there."

So she said "are you serious or do you just not want to play small gigs anymore?"

I don't mind small gigs. In fact, I love them. I don't call them small gigs--I call them intimate. One of my all-time favorite performances was a house-concert dinner performance for a young couple in my neighborhood.

Said to my agent this week that I wouldn't mind playing for free--I just mind paying to play. That's what happens when I have to figure out transportation to go someplace and then not get paid for the gig, so I end up actually spending money to entertain. Last night was the opposite of that. Caleb paid for gas, Darlene drove, and the audience bought cds, enough that I picked up groceries on the way home.

I knew money might get tight next year when I go full-time. I didn't think it would happen now--that's why I have a job 3 days a week. But with times being slow at work, it's a great test run and practice exercise for what's ahead. I think the difference is that next year with your support, this will be my job and I don't foresee "slow times."

At any rate, thank you Caleb, thank you Darlene. Couldn't have done last night without you. I had a really great time. Much appreciation.

40--Young Love...(is a battlefield?)

2010-08-06T07:16:00.000-07:00

I laughed until my face hurt. Dawn drove, I rode shotgun, Josh and Ami in the backseat. By the time we drove onto Wheatland Ferry, I had decided Josh might be one of the funniest guys I've met. Non-stop irreverence. I found myself laughing and then immediately feeling bad for thinking that was funny, but it was. Does that ever happen to you?

Oregon Gardens isn't in Portland, it's in Silverton, and it's gorgeous! As the audience trickled together and coalesced in the amphitheater, red sun was going down just over the tree-tops left of stage.

Opening band Throwback Surburbia took me by surprise. I was for sure digging the suit-and-tie vibe, but even the sharp cuts didn't prepare me for the hit they put out from note one.

Pat Benatar came on stage so unpretentiously. She wore the regal confidence of an icon with nothing left to prove. Rock and Roll royalty, lover at her side, the woman owned the stage, and I do mean owned it. Pipes! Chick can sing. It's not a thing of the past, not by any means.

I didn't know until I was on my way to Dawn's house that Pat's guitarist is also her husband of 28 years. Dude is an amazing player. I remarked to Dawn that lady-queen Pat was working the crowd from the beginning, but Neil "Spyder" had eyes for only her. He did notice us later on, after a while, but I'd say first 6 songs he might not have been aware we were there-- he was so all about her.

Concert-mates and backseat comedians Josh and Ami have been married 18 years. They laugh and joke with each other so easily, one suspects that love is growing deeper all the time with these two. They're like kids in love. It's disgustingly sweet to watch and reassuring to have witnessed. It gives me hope somewhere deep inside.

My favorite moment is about halfway through the show, Pat's loving on the crowd, Spyder's loving on Pat, Ami is up front at stage edge, loving on the whole scene, and Josh, sitting next to me says, "I like Pat and all, but my favorite thing is watching Ami have that much fun!"

That moment made my day, Josh. Hands down.

Dawn, thanks for taking me to see Pat and her lover. Thanks for introducing me to Ami and her lover. I'm glad I didn't have a camera. I'd rather remember this one the old-fashioned way.

Top of the morning, Beautiful

Honored to witness, Strender

41--Irresponsible

2010-08-05T15:29:00.000-07:00

I didn't hit send.

Typed up a text message that said stuff like...I can't go. You guys have a great time. Let me know how it was. Thanks so much for inviting me. blah. blah. blah.

I have this habit of reading my texts before I send them because the send button is such a heavy commitment, you know? Once you release a message into the air, it has flown, baby. There's no bringing it back. You said what you said, and now she's mad and you gotta sleep on the couch...again!

Sorry, flashback.

So yeah, I read this text I had composed and it raised queries. Like can I really expect her to tell me how it was? Aren't there some things you have to be there for yourself to experience? I mean, I can tell you all day long that it was mind-blowing and soul-stirring, but for some experiences there is no substitute. Sometimes a story won't do.

Thing is, I have worship team practice tonight at 7 and we are down to crunch-time getting ready for Festival. It would be irresponsible of me to not be at practice tonight. We spent all of July nit-picking little tiny details in each song and making sure we know song structure backwards and forwards.

So I composed this message because it would be irresponsible of me to reply otherwise.

But I didn't hit the send button.

After 2 minutes of deliberation, I hit the erase button and composed a different reply on Facebook. This one I sent.

"Was that a trick question? Would I like to go see Pat Benatar?"

Confucious say, when Dawn texts you offering a free ticket to see Pat Benatar in Portland tonight, refusal would be simply....Irresponsible.

42--reunion

2010-08-04T13:39:00.000-07:00

Yes, I'm back home early, working on tunes for the 27th. I've never heard this one I'm in the middle of right now. Mother and Child Reunion, by Paul Simon. Catchy tune, lots of good feelings.

I haven't found the link of Jill and Jonah on Good Morning America, but here's another one I did find:

42--Here we go again

2010-08-04T05:15:00.000-07:00

Work's been slow the last couple weeks. I usually work an 11.5 hour day. Lately I've been coming home after 6 hours or so. It's because of the heat. Wine needs to remain cool so it's not good for shipping when we have temperatures in the 90's or early hundreds.

The extra time on my hands has been useful in getting more preparations made for the website launch, in practicing more for upcoming performance, in planning and strategizing. There's so much to do and every minute counts for something. So that's been great. But it's not good having my paycheck significantly reduced. That part stings. I find myself deciding which bill to pay in priority.

Then I think about the fact that so many people in the world would love to have my problems, to have food and shelter covered, and their options be whether to pay phone or internet first. My needs are met, and the extra time allows me to plan my "escape." That's what Nidia called it.

Yesterday was busy, though. We were back up to a 9 hour day. The return to exertion put a lot of adrenaline in me. Didn't sleep well last night. I think my body was just wound up. Did the arithmetic on it, and these hands and shoulders lifted a total of over 20,000 pounds yesterday.

Which made me think it is possible to accomplish amazingly huge tasks, one bit at a time. I lifted 45 pounds, the weight of a case of wine, over and over. Of course I can't lift 20,000 pounds. But I can, if I just take it a box at a time.

Maybe today there will be enough work to fill my hours. If not, I'll come back here and work on songs for the 27th.

43--Yes, Boss!

2010-08-02T14:56:00.000-07:00

I found out about Jonah's situation from my boss. One of them. I've been working for Melissa 7 months now. We've been friends much longer.

She's a powerhouse, a whirlwind of activity, this one.

She's been pouring so much energy into the Jonah's Just Begun fundraiser event. Jonah and his mom are going to be on Good Morning America Wednesday morning. Watch the story if you can. Melissa and I were talking today about how to make sure lots of people in this community are able to watch the interview. Maybe we'll post a link to it after it airs.

On and off the job, Melissa gets it done.

It's been a great honor for me, working with someone as productive and caring as Melissa. I think this shot of her and her daughter is just way too cute.

45--these are the days

2010-07-31T15:58:00.001-07:00

46--Wine and Women

2010-07-30T19:09:00.001-07:00

Human generosity can be astounding sometimes.

I sat in the sunshine this afternoon at Methven Family Vineyards, at table with 9 beautiful women sipping wine and talking. They did the sipping and the talking. I was, simply, captivated.

They're not here for the wine. They're here to combine talent, skillset, network, resource in support of Jonah Wood Weishaar. Melanie makes amazing cakes, Rebecca is a retail goddess, Ila and Kelly and Carol and Melissa, and April and Janet and Rita.

This place is amazing. The worked glass in the doors, the mirrored concrete floors, the exquisite wood counters. I owe you pictures.

Can we make this a new rule? To preserve life, one must immerse in beauty.

I like it. Write that down!

46--3000 Bosses

2010-07-30T12:01:00.000-07:00

I love my bosses! Can you say that? I do. I've been blessed that way. Always had great bosses.

I was in Los Angeles, gone from Oregon for 4 years. When I returned to Oregon on December 18, 2009, my bosses were so amazingly gracious as to offer my old job on December 21!

Trust me, I know how precious it is to have such wonderful employers that I can go to work within 3 days in this economic climate where some folks have been job-hunting 18 months without success.

I made a commitment to my bosses that I would stay with the company for one year, the duration of 2010. This is the year of transition. I came back to Sheridan to build a life with the people I call home.

On September 14, we launch a project called "3000 Bosses."

Every concert, every recording, every video posted online, every conversation over tea, every chance encounter at the grocery store, is an interview, a job interview. I am applying to become your personal musician for a year.

You see, I think of each listener in my audience as my boss. I work for you. I think and study music for you. I develop skills and practice scales for you. Skills and Scales. But more importantly, I tell your Stories. I represent your issues, I retell your pain and victory, your hope and triumph. On my better days, I entertain and inform, and maybe sometimes, amuse you.

I'm hoping that you will choose to hire me as your personal artist for a year, at the cost of $1 a month. The new website will feature a password-protected "members" section. For $12 a year, here's what my 3000 bosses will get.

1. Members are entitled to 4 free digital song downloads, any songs you choose, within the duration of your one-year membership.

2. Access to the 2011 Covers project in which I have committed to post videos of me covering 4 songs per year of tunes assigned by my fans. Selected fans will be given the opportunity to assign me a song, any song they choose (limit the profanity out, please), and I have to cover it and post the video online to the "members" section of the site.

3. Members aka Bosses receive a 20% discount on LennoxMusic event admissions and merchandise.

4. My new blog, www.3000bosses.blogspot.com goes live on September 14, my 40th birthday. I'll document in writing, photography and video, the stories that emerge from the journey of the ensuing year. I look forward to the stories.

I'm already so engrossed in the story of Jonah, a 2-year old boy dying of a rare genetic disorder. I'm enthralled with the story of a mom who took on this fight for life with such passion as to mobilize large communities across America. As I interact with more and more of you, as your stories intertwine with my own, the journal of these conversations will be accessible to my 3000 bosses.

5. Concert footage from various touring locations, photography and video.

I'm open to more ideas of services I can offer you in trade for your investment in this art. Keep in mind it needs to be something I can do once and post for all 3000 of you at a time.

Stay tuned; the new site goes live in 46 days!

47--pace

2010-07-29T12:56:00.000-07:00

the pace has quickened. So much happening in a single 24-hour span.

I'm just back from Mac, meeting with my agent Kevin May and his son, Jaime, half of the duo Jokers & Jacks. They're experiencing some wonderful and well-earned success in their music.

Off to my next meeting, and wanted to jot this down before I forget. Something Jaime said as we sat at Cornerstone,

"Nothing HAS to take a long time..."

47--Off to a good start

2010-07-29T08:38:00.000-07:00

Jonathan and I usually have breakfast on Thursday mornings. Lately though, since he got the new job, we haven't been able to meet because of the schedule change. This morning we met 15 minutes for super quick catch-up and prayer. You know what? It was only 15 minutes, but a great start to my day.

Then tea with Jeff Ashlock at Slow Train (Nick Walton's place). Jeff pours so much love and energy into our little town. I am looking forward to more conversation with that guy. Our Annual Mud Drags? He's the coordinator. Director of the local Boy Scouts. Runs a successful business here in town. Husband. Father. Yeah, I'm all over spending more time with that guy. Great start to my day.

Now off to spend an hour with another brilliant Sheridan creative.

Air temperature in the 70's, sunshine all around.

We're off to a great start...

Good morning, Beautiful

Good morning, Strender, and thank you

48--Burn The Ships

2010-07-28T11:46:00.001-07:00

48--Burn The Ships

I'm closing this blog in 48 days to begin a new one. That's why the numbers are counting down to zero.
I just discovered a blog because I was looking to name mine by this name already taken: Burn The Ships. Someone's already got that name, and he's using that blog to say exactly what I wanted to say. "Don't turn back, you can only go forward."
When Hernan Cortes arrived in the new world, he burned his ships so his soldiers would be motivated to complete their mission, with the option of mutiny and retreat so conspicously removed.
There is no plan B.
I'll have to choose a different name for the new blog.

48--Saboteur

2010-07-28T05:08:00.000-07:00

I've been watching So You Think You Can Dance. There's a guy on there, Jose, who's not that great a dancer, but has such a magnificent heart and such a beautiful soul that people want to watch him dance, technique be damned. I often think that's why people watch me play. They see the passion I feel and overlook the fact I'm not a great singer or musician. I do feel like I'm a good songwriter, though.

Woke up scared. Now I have to learn 7 songs that are not mine and I have 30 days to do it. Carrying a lot of tension in my shoulders.

On the one hand, I know the Lord will see me through like every time before. But on the other hand, this time it's for real. We're trying to save a kid's life. I feel some pressure with that. Feeling self-destructive. Want to stay up late and overwork so I can legitimately break down and excuse myself from having to win.

Self-sabotage. Should I admit what I'm feeling right now? Never seen my fear of success so clearly as right now in the light of this concert. I can find a few good ways to snivel out of this, but I don't think so.

I'm gonna get up and go to work and when I get back, I'll work on the music some more and 30 days from now, we're going to put on a great concert. Tammy is singing with me. I don't know yet if Charity will or not. She wants me to sing on the day after this concert at another fundraiser for Rwanda. Sounds like fair trade dictates she should sing this one with me, right?

I had a beer last night. Didn't even like it. Honestly, I think it's cause I was scared.

I've wrestled this dilemma for years: Do I express how I feel or simply restate what I know and what I'm choosing? In my own self-talk, I'm positive because I find if I hear myself say "Len, you're going to win," then I do what is necessary to build that reality.

But I'm questioning my approach for two reasons. I've noticed sometimes people don't think I'm being real. How can I be positive about everything? Do I just have that much faith? Not in me, I don't. But I do trust my Father.

The other reason I'm questioning is because now the situation's getting real, life or death real. I'm about to leave my job and go fulltime into something where my livelihood will depend on whether or not people like and enjoy and respect what I do as an artist, as a coach, as a writer, as a man.

Time to get up and go to work.

I'm doing this. I'm scared, but I am doing this. I was made for doing this.

Get up, Beautiful

Get up, Strender

49--NY Daily Times Article

2010-07-27T21:28:00.000-07:00

The NY Daily Times just ran a story on Jonah's situation, and Good Morning America is gonna have his mom on the show. People are starting to move to help him. Check it out and pass it on, please.

NY Daily Times article

I think I've stressed about music enough for tonight. Back to it tomorrow.

Goodnight, Beautiful

Goodnight, Strender

50--Selfish

2010-07-26T20:42:00.000-07:00

Wonderful conversation with Nidia and Katie.

They both said wise things that express profound truth, and one in particular stirs me to write this entry.

Nidia said, "My children have taught me so much about love, and I think it's because you learn to love by serving. You learn to love whomever you serve..."

I don't want kids. I used to. In my early 20's I definitely didn't want children, then by my early 30's I definitely did. And I think about what changed and what changed back.

It's a massive commitment to welcome someone into your life, to whom you are bound for an indefinite duration, to whom you promise service at any and all times needed, whether or not convenient to your goals and schedule.

Lots of children call me Uncle. No one calls me Father. Because I'll be there when I can be. I'm there when I'm there. When I'm not, I'm off somewhere else being...there. I make music and I travel and I visit this family and that family and I give and receive love in so many places from so many people, but Fatherhood is about greater stability and permanence than this. Father stays.

On Father's day this year I felt left out. That's been happening more in recent years, but not quite as acutely as this year. I felt like there was something I was missing out on. I thought about the fact I don't want kids and it comes down to this: Kids would get in the way of the goals I want to accomplish. They would make it significantly more challenging to reach the levels I intend. Would it be impossible to build what I envision with kids along for the ride? Not impossible, just way harder.

And the realization that came to me on Father's day was this. I never wanted kids, then when I met a woman to whom I gave unlimited heart access, I wanted kids; I lost her and now I don't want kids anymore. Doing the arithmetic on that, it appears to me it was not just that I wanted kids--it was that I wanted her kids. And if I can't have her kids, then I'm not willing to change my life as much as it would take to have kids.

There are so many children in the world who need to be loved. May I serve in different ways? There's a kid named Jonah who lives in New York. I'm going to be thinking about him a lot in the next 30 days.

"Jonah is two years old. He loves Elmo, throwing his ball in the park, patting dogs and stacking blocks. And he is slowly dying..."

I'm getting ready to perform on August 27th at a fundraiser auction wine-tasting, organized to raise money and awareness about a rare genetic disorder called Sanfilippo Syndrome.

It occurs to me that music is a lifted voice. It's meant to be heard. And it should have something to say. May I devote some of my time and talent and energy to requesting that we support this family if we can and see how we can help them search for Jonah's healing?

Please stop by www.Jonahsjustbegun.org and see what you can do to help.

I just played a bus driver named Jonah in Dawn's movie. Why is this name coming to me again right now? Probably coincidence, God's way of remaining anonymous.

Goodnight, Beautiful

Goodnight, Strender

50--in the meantime...

2010-07-26T18:58:00.001-07:00

Just off the phone with Janet Wood. I'm getting information about music for a fundraiser wine-tasting, auction event we're planning a month from now. I'll tell you more about that as we go. The coming Friday at 3:30 pm we'll visit the winery that's hosting the event, Methven Vineyards.

Sitting at Open Door right now, waiting to meet with Nidia, community resident. No idea what this conversation will be and where it will go, but that's the beauty and surprise of conversation. I've got great teas with me, so I consider myself prepared.

Boy scouts buzzing past, joking. I'm struck at the politeness in one of the exchanges I overhear. They're being jovial, but respectful. It's refreshing.

51--Kwassa Kwassa

2010-07-25T21:53:00.000-07:00

Ok, I got the video posted for Brian and Brianne and now I can go to sleep.

Here's a cover of Cape Cod Kwassa Kwassa, originally done by Vampire Weekend. This video is the second instalment in my 2010 Covers project.

I'll be doing more covers in 2011, part of my "3000 Bosses" project. I'll tell you more about that soon.

Meantime, here's a tune I promised Brian a few months ago. Sorry it took me so long, bro. Thanks for the opportunity. I had fun doing it.

Two more covers in 2010. Next one is a hymn for Cecilia, and it happens also to be my mom's favorite. Perfect!

Then after that it's Zoe and Dulce's choice.

Goodnight, Beautiful

Goodnight, Strender

51--Cave Time

2010-07-25T13:25:00.000-07:00

Matt's gonna stop by on his way to the coast. I planned to tag along with him, because we haven't connected face to face in 3 months. I would love it if we could spend time together once a month or more, so I jumped on the invitation to the coast.

When I got here, though, and fell into my couch, a wave of exhaustion hit me so hard, my eyes blurred for a moment. I sat and stared and felt sad. I don't think I'm actually sad, it's just that this feeling of exhaustion is similar to the way I feel when that emotion hangs about my house.

Preached this morning, and played bass on the worship team. I usually don't do both on the same day, because each leaves me feeling empty. Not empty like it was a futile practice, but empty like I've poured out all that was in me and now there's nothing left, or just barely enough to limp home and close the door behind me.

There are two possibilities as I see it. Either the road and touring is going to wear me down to nothing, or I'm gonna have to be stronger. I vote in favor of the latter. I'm also going to have to be proactive and plan ahead for recuperation times following the pour-out, the flow-through.

Just sent Matt a text saying, I'm over-run with exhaustion. Would it be ok if we visit a while as you're on the way to the coast, then you go on without me? That way I get to spend time with my brother, but I also get to retreat to my cave.

Now I'm having an argument with my legs about standing up so I can get the pooch some water. Next time I'm up I think it's time this dog learned how to use a faucet.

When I'm tired like this, all kinds of questions come through my mind. How many people did I offend by what I said this morning? What did I say this morning? Sometimes I get to the end of speaking, and realize that some of the things I said were inserted on the "teleprompter" while I was in midspeech. Sometimes I don't realize until I hear the recording what exactly came through my mouth.

Christine, thank you so much for the picture of wings. That meant a lot to me. And also while we were in the prayer room, right after Clayton finished praying, I looked up looked directly at Christine's painting, "Refiner's Fire."

Dar, thanks for the photos. They're awesome.

There have been some good surprises already today. No more, please. Don't have the strength. Can I just curl up in my comfort zone for a minute, please? I know I'll have to come out again, but please not right now.

53--Promises

2010-07-23T08:24:00.001-07:00

I have failed miserably at keeping many of the promises I've made. Earlier in life I didn't really understand the weight of a promise and then by the time I began to understand it, I felt such shame about the litter of broken promises that I have strewn about, that it seemed irretrievable, so why bother trying?

I mean, I'm not a promise-keeper, so why bother? I might as well accept it and just let go. People have come to expect this from me, so I can just let it be said as it has been, "Lennox is flaky, we know, but we love him."

Or I can make changes, small and grueling and seemingly insignificant, but for each promise kept or repaired, a reassurance that sometimes I can be trusted.

Today I'm keeping a promise late. I promised Brian Lauritzen this cover months ago, and I'm 4 tracks deep into it, but this weekend I'm going to finish it, and get it online.

I promised I'd have a recording of In The City online by July 31st. Not going to happen. My producer, Isaac, is out of the country and the next available date to move forward on that is August 7th. I played electric guitar on this track. First time recording an electric. Isaac's sisters, Libby and Katie, are going to sing backup on this and they are truly amazing singers. I can't wait to hear what they do.

I had my water turned off this week because I didn't keep a promise. It's back now, but it cost something extra, a reconnection fee. Even when you repair a promise, or deliver it late, there's a surcharge. Broken trust can be mended, but it'll walk with a limp.

I find the more I learn about promises, the fewer I make. It could easily take the rest of my life just to keep the ones I've made and broken.

All of this is running on a separate track in my mind as I launched this week into Spurgeon's sermon on the prayer of Jabez. I would like my territory increased so I can stop causing pain. I don't want to break any more promises.

Brian & Brianne, here comes your cover. I hope you enjoy it. I've had fun making it for you.

55--the hum approacheth...

2010-07-21T17:18:00.000-07:00

Friday was a blast, acting in Pullstop. I kept reviewing and analyzing the performance. If I could do that again, I would speak more slowly. I'd want to spend more time talking to Lacie off-camera before shooting began. I'd want to have rehearsed the lines into my video camera so I could review delivery and see what works for me and what could/should be adjusted.

Staggered to the next stop of the day, a concert at Coffee Cottage in Newberg. It was fun and I felt I was able to deliver the music, but lacked the energy to relate to my audience as I have come to love doing. There was little or none of the playful banter, a.k.a. inane rambling, that either endears me to my audience or confirms among them the widespread suspicion that I am crazy beyond repair.

Saturday we helped a friend with a project that got physical and I didn't rest as I tend often to do on Sabbath. So by the time I arrive at the Pullstop wrap party on Saturday night, I'm too exhausted to even remember being tired. Dawn, you amazing coach, you!!

Earlier in the day, she texted me, "bring your guitar to the wrap party."

Hmmm, why would I need a guitar at a wrap party? Well, it's because her friend Joel owns the place. Fabulous Portland joint called The Great Hall. Open mic on Saturday nights hosted by Eric and Deanna of TwoRivers Music.

I played a song, then another, then a third. The audience was just amazing. You guys rocked, thank you.

But my favorite moment of all is when the guest starring band of the evening handed out kazoos to the audience so we could play along with what they were doing. I turned just about blue in the face blowing into that thing. How unlucky do you have to be to reach into a basket full of kazoos and pick the single defective?

Meanwhile, Darlene's dying of laughter watching me blow into a kazoo.

I realize you already know this, but I didn't: You don't blow into a kazoo; you hum.

I love this thing. Y'all just don't know. I'm gonna have to rock this at a concert soon!

I'm not selling my guitar just yet. I'm just saying, brace yourself for the Kazoo, because it is coming, my friend. It is coming.

55--WHEN you move back

2010-07-21T17:07:00.000-07:00

Yester-morning I'd been at work about an hour when Teresa said to me, "...so, next year when you're back in LA, will you get me Johnny Depp's autograph?"

"Sure thing, I'll just call up my buddy John and say hey, I'm back in town and can you sign an 8x10 for my friend?"

"Excuse me, WHEN I move back to LA? Do you know something I don't know?"

"O, yes, I've figured you out Lennox, and you're not staying here. You're going back to LA."

By this time I'm thoroughly enjoying the exchange.

"I was thinking, you're way better than I am at knowing what I'll do next. Can I just call you when I'm confused about things and you can tell me what I'm about to do?"

So we're making arrangements for that to happen. She's setting up a hotline for those situational emergencies and crises of conscience when I am completely lost.

Sometimes peace of mind is as easily accessed as a conversation with a co-worker.

56--stop talking

2010-07-20T05:36:00.000-07:00

It occurs how useless it is to talk someone into a covenant. Given time and freedom, whatever a person is talked into, they can think their way out of.

Sometimes you have to simply stop talking and let the water flow where it will.

Good morning Beautiful

Have a great day, Strender

60--...Pullstop

2010-07-16T14:39:00.000-07:00

What's wrong with this picture? Other than being upside down because I bent down to take a picture of my ankles? Well, the problem is that there's a black sock on the left AND there's a black sock on the right. Matching socks?!!? I haven't worn matching socks in years! What the heck is going on around here?

Today I tried acting for the first time. It's the final day of filming for PullStop, a full-length independent feature film shot in Portland and McMinnville over the last two weeks. I've thoroughly enjoyed the day so far. Director Dean and Producer Dawn have done a magnificent job assembling a capable and cordial crew. I felt at home instantly.

Really connected with Tom and Jake and Travis and Sean, and...who am I kidding? I liked them all. Leading lady Lacie Mallander was super easy to work with and she's so good at this. Eric, the dude that played George, wow! Great actor. Made me cry.

Here's my disclaimer. My character, Jonah, is a bus driver. Bus drivers wear matching socks. So that wasn't me wearing those--that was Jonah. And with that technicality, the unmatched streak continues, thank you very much.

Now that's done, turning my attention to the vocal loop for this evening's concert. I want to run through it at least a couple times before the gig, so I've got about 2 hours to build a concept.

Dawn, thanks for talking me into that. It was a wonderful experience.

65--what lies ahead

2010-07-11T07:10:00.001-07:00

I love the feeling I get when I look down the tracks. These tracks, 50 yards from where I sleep, are physically connected to tracks that run the length and breadth of this country. They can take me anywhere and who knows where they will take me?

I met Anna Fermin in Las Vegas at Music Strategies 2010. She's an amazing musician. I love her style and storytelling. She hosts a house-concert series in Chicago and I'm invited there as featured performer March of 2011. We could have booked a sooner time, but Chicago's not exactly a day-trip from where I am.

I got to thinking, if I go out there, I might as well do some other nearby cities while I'm there to justify the trip. But right now, with the promise I made to Jeff, I have to be back for work on Monday morning. So if i wait until next year, after I have fulfilled that commitment, I can stay longer than 4 days and put together a little tour that actually connects a string of venues in neighboring cities.

There's something there about the importance of commitment. Don't give your word lightly. It's not cheap, or at least it shouldn't be.

I thought I'd fly into Chicago and then rent a car and drive from city to city, but then I thought how expensive that might get, how grueling the road-tripping in between performances, how few the opportunities for rest. So then I thought, how about I fly into Chicago, and then take trains from there to wherever? And then I thought, why not just take the train all the way out from here?

Started checking train routes and now I'm planning to just tour along the route. Where the train stops, there I am playing. So I'm gonna start putting out a list of cities soon and if you know someone there and you can think of a venue that would fit my Man With Guitar stylings, I sure could use your help.

Leslie told me about this community of couch-surfers that you can join and work out places to crash along your journey.

I'm not heading out to find myself; I'm heading out because I have. My soul is bound to this music and I follow on a journey that may just come near you. I hope it does. I hope to shake your hand and touch your spirit. I hope we will be friends.

Last time I followed the tracks on foot, I arrived at a field of grass and flowers. Here's what I saw when I looked down...

Here's what I saw when I looked up...

I'll ride the rail, soon. I wonder where it will take me.

65--Tomato Soup

2010-07-11T06:36:00.001-07:00

I did a show in Silverton a couple weeks ago. My audience in Silverton is growing and it's always great spending time with them. I thought I'd like to spend a little time in community with my listeners so I invited 10 selected guests to meet me for dinner before the show.

I make a pretty good Tomato soup; maybe I'll share it with you someday. Years ago when I was shooting my very first music video, the director's mom made us this recipe and I loved it so much, I asked her to show me how. I'm pretty sure more people have tried the soup at my hands than have witnessed that video for Without Love.

The soup takes a bit of preparation, so although dinner was served at 5, I had to start cooking at 3 to be ready in time. Oak street church has a fabulous kitchen so that really helped. In a less-equipped or less functional space, it would have taken even longer.

I set out from Sheridan 90 minutes ahead of cooking time. Olive oil...check, Pepper...check, Live Basil...check. How wonderful that I can buy live basil and pick it right at the moment of use. Bread, La Brea Bakery Roasted Garlic Loaf...check. Pots and pans, stirring spoons and ladles...check. Sorrel--caribbean beverage that I pre-brewed and bottled earlier in the day...check.

I'm ready for whatever. I've got all my stuff, all the necessary spices, all the necesary tools.

These are NOT the tomatoes I served to my dinner guests.

These are the tomatoes that were waiting for me on my kitchen counter when I returned home from a wonderful dinner and concert with my friends in Silverton.

In my careful attention to not forget any of the supplies, I had brought with me absolutely everything I would need, except for the tomatoes.

Thankfully, I remembered on the way and stopped at Roth's in West Salem to grab ten pounds of vine-ripened...

Love you, Beautiful.

Don't forget the main thing, Strender.

Keep the main thing, the main thing

69--All You Need

2010-07-07T05:33:00.000-07:00

This blog is winding down. I'll make my final entry on my 40th birthday. Starting a new blog that day. I made some decisions and effected transitions toward accomplishing deep-seated goals, intentions that live with me on a cellular level.

Some of my idiosyncrasies and failings are now established without apology, others laid bare for repentance or forgiveness.

I set goals for who I'd be and what I'd accomplish by the time I turned 40. Some of them were unrealistic. Some I achieved; others I didn't even get close to.

Last week I told my employer that I will fulfill my promise to work at his company for the entirety of 2010. At our hiring conversation, I was asked what length of commitment I could make, seeing as my stated aspiration is a full-time pursuit of music. I promised a year. We are just past the halfway mark.

There is so much, so very very much to accomplish in the next 6 months. I have had roughly 32 years to contemplate the scope of this mission and I've realized that for me it is utterly impossible. Which is why I know it must be assigned from a higher place.

I was saying to Truth a month ago, "this is so big, I'll definitely need your help."

She replied, "all you need is Him."

Thank you to my readers on this blog. There will be a new blog launched on my birthday. I hope you will transition with me. It will be the chronicle of a leap from a cliff. I am going to jump. I may fall or I may fly, but what is sure is that I can no longer stand on this cliff.

I love you.

Good morning, Beautiful

Great day in the morning, Strender

71--Call Log

2010-07-05T11:22:00.001-07:00

...just off the phone, 48 minute call with Kevin May, my agent. Back in 2003, Suzanne made a list of possible venues for me to approach to play music and build my audience. All these years later, I have those lists and just gave them to Kevin to engage his significant abilities as a Business Development professional.

He's having tremendous success with another of the bands he represents, Jokers and Jacks, comprised of his sons Jaime and Morgan. They are opening for Leon Russell at two venues and there's a possible third in the works!!! That's huge!!

I don't remember where I heard it, but I was told that a great way to assess what is valuable to you is to look in two places: your bank statements and your cell phone call log. Value indicators emerge from the spending records of money and conversation.

48 minutes on the phone with Kevin. Now I'm firing up my studio to work on a cover for Brian.

What's on your call log?

74--Coffee Cottage

2010-07-02T19:40:00.000-07:00

7:40pm, at Coffee Cottage to hear Charity Brophy play. She is such an incredible voice. Her songs are so wonderful and her voice simply does magic things to me. Kind of like Stephanie Schneiderman's voice last night. There is so much beauty in the world! I just feel lucky to be alive and to have experienced more beauty than my fair share. But what's fair got to do with it?

Meet artist Autumn Stevens. Her work is on display at the Cottage this month. I've seen some of her sketches. Never seen her paintings before. Love, love, love the colors in this piece called Mothering Nature.

74--Jimmy Mak's

2010-07-02T00:16:00.000-07:00

Babaganoush. Tasty word. Tasty Eggplant goodness. At Jimmy Mak's. Tonight.

Just home from Portland. Great food, world-famous Jazz. We got there in time to catch the second half of Stephanie Schneiderman's set. Guitar/Vocal with keys and drums. Sweet, O so very.

Mel Brown's B3 Organ group came on at 8:30 and they were magnificent! You find yourself in Portland on a Thursday night, you gotta catch this.

There were 8 of us, Open Door worship community. Musicians in awe of Masters. And masters they were: Dan Balmer on guitar, King Louis on B3, Curtis Craft on Percussion, Renato Caranto (holy smokes) on saxophone, and the Gentleman of Jazz, Mel Brown on drums.

Dawna's observation was that Mr. Brown has the obvious skill to play all over the music, but he instead provides opportunities for the other musicians to shine, creating space for the rest of the band, unmistakably the leader, hardly ever out front.

Thanks for driving, Jonathan

76--Performance

2010-06-30T21:17:00.000-07:00

I've never entered a talent competition before tonight. Was a new situation for me. I was just talking with a friend a couple weeks ago about how we both hated sales, but I'm coming now to realize why it was necessary for me to learn sales and marketing all those years in all those various companies. It was all part of my training for this. For such a time as this, I've been prepared. Again, even when I did not follow, I was being led.

I realize that what I hated (feared) was sales quotas. The concept of having to deliver a specific level of performance. Now I find myself demanding a high level of musical performance and measuring that against audience response and feedback, i.e. customer satisfaction. In some ways a great concert performance is to me like a sales pitch. It's a dance of exquisite conversation. It's relating to someone and then creating an experience with them.

I've been looking at this all wrong. See, I love building relationship. My customers/clients/audience/fans can tell that I genuinely love them and they show up in support of that. Now if I can backfill that with an excellent musical experience and the knowledge and chops to back up these lyrics, that's a performance worthy of my audience.

When I arrived at the competition this evening, I saw one of my guitar heroes. He's an amazing player and I look forward to sharing a stage with him and making a couple recordings together. I am a fan. Tonight he was a competitor. I'll admit my heart sank when I saw him. He's light-years better on the guitar than I am.

This evening I received high praise from an audience I am falling head over heels in love with, the community of Mcminnville. Not all 26,000 residents showed up this evening. More like 26, but that's a start, no?

Having been selected by the judges as one of three semi-finalists, I stood there next to my guitar hero and considered that the second prize of two rounds of golf was really not a bad prize. It's been years since I went golfing and I can think of a couple buddies who would love to be my company on days as beautiful as these. Could have been a thing, General.

The final decision was made by audience response.

The award to the second-runner-up left me and him still in the competition. While I sat there planning my golf invites, they announced the first-runner up. It was him!! What!?

To my friend, supporter, collaborator Dawn, thank you for talking me into the competition. It was nice to win, but it was even more special to make another connection with the Mcminnville audience this evening. That, to me, was priceless.

Dawn worked tirelessly to set up this and several other events in the last few weeks as a campaign raising money and awareness for cancer research. Reverbnation says Dawn is one of my biggest fans. For all you do in the community, my dear, you should know I am also one of your biggest fans.

Rae Dawn Pruit of Miscellaneous Q Productions

82--Ice Cream?

2010-06-24T13:25:00.000-07:00

Just got done chatting with Richard again. It's the noon-on-Thursday rhythm. Jonathan stopped by for breakfast, then Dugger at 9. I like that there is some predictability to my life. It counters the other parts where I have no clue what's going to happen. Wonderful to have that balance.

Looking forward to some time with Lauritzen this afternoon. He's not up here, but we have a phone date. Deepening male friendships, really enjoying that part of life.

Ok, seriously, this weather we are having is stupidly perfect!

My amp arrived yesterday. Haven't had a chance to plug it in and turn it on yet. It's just sitting there in my living room, all beautiful and new. Now somehow between right now and tomorrow night, I'm going to attempt to use it and the looper pedal Garner lent me, to craft a song cover that I want to use in tomorrow night's concert. Hmmmmm, better get to work.

86--Guy In The Back

2010-06-20T19:00:00.000-07:00

Happy Father's Day!!

A few years ago I was playing a small coffee-shop where music isn't so much a focus as a background against which friends maintain conversation. It's tough sometimes to play to an audience that's not really paying attention. It feels like being half-ignored and mostly rejected.

But then there's that one or a couple who really connect with what you're doing. You can pick them out every time your eyes sweep that section of the room. They're making eye contact, they're singing along, they're swaying to your beat. It's that connection that keeps me playing over the din and the chatter.

So there I was playing this gig, and I look up and see him again. That guy. I didn't know his name. I'd seen him at my gigs before. He knew all my songs. He'd sing them with me. Anytime I looked over there, he was mouthing the words. And every time I tried to get back there after a show to make his acquaintance, he was gone. He'd leave right at the last note.

I wrote this song because of that guy at that coffee-shop, but over the years it's become a song that reminds me of the amazing brotherhood and support and mentoring that has blessed my life.

So this song is dedicated to the men whose love and friendship have set me this far along a road I could not travel alone. Thank you very much, all of you.

Top of the list is my Dad. If I could choose, this is the guy I'd pick:

Thompson Leo Fleary

And to all my brothers, I would list names, but then I'd forget someone and that would be unfortunate. So just know that I'm grateful to each and every one of you for the impact you have had on my life. Here's the song:

Guy In The Back

There's a face that comes to my mind in the middle of every show

A brother that I hardly know

He's there every time

When I get off-track and I got to go back to my favorite song

He'll be singing right along

He knows every line

This is for the guy in the back with the funky little hat and the jacket on

The brother that I'm counting on

To help me when I sing my song

When I see your face then I know that I'm in the right place

And I'm not alone

Even when you're up and gone

I'm gonna be alright

I tried to catch him at the door

Just to say to him "Hello" before he got away

And listen what he had to say

And maybe get to know his name

He said I sing cause I know what it feels like just to be a simple man

I sing because I understand

I'm singing cause I'm in the band

Yeah I'm in the band

This is for the guy in the back with the funky little hat and the jacket on

The brother that I'm counting on

To help me when I sing my song

When I see your face then I know that I'm in the right place

And I'm not alone

Even when you're up and gone

I'm gonna be alright

Here's to the brotherhood, Strong and Tender.

That's you, Strender

89--In Association With

2010-06-17T13:40:00.000-07:00

I was on the phone when Jonathan arrived at my door this morning at 8am. We made breakfast and caught up as we have every Thursday morning for the last couple months. Goal-setting, reporting in how things are going.

I meet with Richard every Thursday at noon. Usually we get together at the kitchen by the lounge and have a cup of tea while we talk about whatever's going on in life, at least the part we're aware of. Conversation with this man stretches me further each time. Today we took our mugs to the street. We walked around the block and stopped at an old, broken house that is completely past live-ability (it's a word now). As we walked around inside the house, I thought out loud, "I'd just pull this down and build a new one."

Richard Wenger

Without dramatic pause or a voice inflection for effect, Richard said, "artists usually find it hard to re-do another person's work. You likely have your own vision of this place. If it were me, I'd hoist it up and rebuild it and keep the character."

He then outlined a perfectly sound plan by which he would restore the house. I'm not a builder. I'm a scrap-it-and-start-over kind of guy. Or am I? I seem to work in association with builders, and I'm learning a lot from this particular one.

The point is that my life and business are not in the least separate from my community, but rather a direct result. If my story were told on a screen, it would be necessary to credit that I am brought to you in association with...

...Darlene...I'm using the headshot Darlene took by the railroad track as my current publicity shot and then another that she also took at a Slow Train gig--that shot is for my one-sheet.

...Topher...he's designing the one-sheet. He's also building my new website and I'm loving the changes that are being implemented.

...Sam...just got out of a guitar lesson with Sam. I think he might be one of the most musically talented kids I've ever met and now I'm inspired and I'm going home to work on my music some more.

... and let's see, there's the PUC crew, the Open Door Crew, the Purple Church Crew, Tom Macomber, the ILCT Triad, the dude I met on the plane, and that one guy who knows that other lady, and on and on. It's any and all who have shared wisdom or resource or skill.

In whose association are you produced?

Imagine your life onscreen.

Who's listed in the credits?

91--Guest Post by Shelly Gilliam

2010-06-15T21:52:00.000-07:00

Shelly Gilliam

There are people in our lives that make us a better person having known them; for me, that is Lennox. We can go months, even years in some cases, without talking, but have the kind of friendship where we can pick up ages of absent conversation and continue without drama and without reserve. We have always had realness in our conversations that I love and that I have grown accustomed and even demand. I have known him a decade and still feel I only know him just barely.

However, given that long span of time, I have come to know in part, if not wholly, what makes him tick. He is deep, eccentric, fun, serious, driven, relaxed, random, purposeful, talented, humble, and a string of other appropriate adjectives I cannot even begin to list. But perhaps the most important quality I have witnessed over these recent years is Len’s strong sense of conviction and purpose even if he feels otherwise at times. The greatest source of frustration as his friend is hearing about his journey to win back his wife. I feel as if I have been on the front row with popcorn horrified watching the train wreck that is his conviction: Suzanne.

I am certainly a fan of taking the road less travelled and less populated. That road can get mighty lonely and make you want to run to the nearest highway just for the company. I get it. I understand that. At times, I have tried my hardest to be his cheerleader. To encourage, be Christ-like by upholding a brother. I may not currently practice anything in the way of religion, but I know enough being raised in church that I would never question someone’s truth. I know I want to discount it just to save him the grief, but that would put me in dangerous territory, spiritually speaking, and I really do not need that kind of negative attention from Him.

Lennox heard from God, and obeyed. Seems so simple, yet I can’t even stick to a hair color so I have no real measuring stick with which to compare personally. In the spirit of full disclosure, I must confess that I am relieved that I have not been “blessed” with my own particular truth/revelation/prophecy/fortune cookie enlightenment (insert whatever word best suits you). Additionally, I am not a divorcee which makes this exclusive club off-limits or at the very least makes me hesitate to proffer advice when it can be so easily refuted. However, I will say that I think I share in the same feelings when it comes to all those who love Lenny. We just do not get it, and if we do get it, we feel really helpless.

Perhaps, I am just a too realistic when it comes to matters of the heart. I have wanted to reason with him, to talk him out of it, to understand it, to support him and sometimes to not even broach the subject because I know I cannot fake any more platitudes. It is more than a little difficult to stand by watching while a dear friend undertakes a seemingly suicidal mission.

On the other hand, years go by, and I do not do anything. I watch as he makes life decisions based upon a revelation that he should win his wife back. Not by your atypical means of winning the heart of a woman. There are no flowers. No grand gestures. No gesticulating. No primal need to fulfill his sense as a man. It is much more subtle than that. It is spiritual. It is conviction. It is infuriating.

I come to situations with a refreshing (read: caustic) take on relationships. I remove emotion and view it firmly on action versus inaction. That is part of the beauty with Lennox. He lets me remove the veneer and get straight down to the issue. Viewing this situation in the same vein it makes me just a little crazy because I want to tell him to jump from the car heading for the cliff.

I feel life is made from choices. Every minute is a choice, every breath is a choice. We either are conscious or unconscious during the deciding, but decide we do. There is no such thing as fate, soul mates or luck. On the other hand, who does not want to see a happy ending? That perfect special someone completely completing you in their own unique specialness made just for you. It is only human to wish for such serendipity.

I recently asked Lennox if he ever questioned what he heard versus what he thought he heard. I have seen many a person slap God on a huge and horrible decision, only to change their “revelation” when things absolutely imploded. I knew that is not what Lennox is about, but as he explained himself I felt as if I could comprehend a little of the journey he undertook and continues to undertake. I cannot relate whatsoever!

Do not get me wrong. Like I said earlier, whenever we venture into this topic I usually leave with a heavy heart, so sad for him; but in the same sense he makes me want to have such a conviction, such a purpose …. But thankfully the feeling passes before I take it too seriously!

God spoke to Lennox and I do not doubt that. I believe it is his Truth. If it is his Truth, then I will not dare question it. I will be on the path with my dear talented friend until the end, whatever that may look like. If that Truth took a turn or if that Truth transmogrified into something else I will be there for my brother without the “I told you so” on my lips. I will encourage, support and uphold him to the highest standard. I cannot judge someone for the path he leads. Who am I to say what is right or wrong in any given situation?

Perhaps, I have a better view from my box seat in the stadium, but perspective is unique to the individual. I may foresee what is easiest, but not what is right. I have no idea if this will turn out in Lennox’s favor or not, nor does he, but he never wavers. In the end, it really does not matter what I think, but what I do, and I refuse to be anyone’s excuse to fail.

I thought it appropriate to close with a passage, especially since he and I saw this movie so long ago.

"And that's the way of a real tale. Take any one that you're fond of. You may know, or guess, what kind of a tale it is, happy-ending or sad-ending, but the people in it don't know. And you don't want them to."
— J.R.R. Tolkien

93--I am a fan!

2010-06-13T21:48:00.001-07:00

What a magnificent day! There's no media by which I can convey to you how beautiful it was here in Sheridan today. Blue, blue, blue skies, lots of clouds, everthing green that should be green, just the right, bright temperature--warm in the sun, cool in the shade.

The thing is, I love rainy days as much as sunny days so I'm never disappointed with the weather around here. Today I picnic-lunched in a graveyard with another who loves the rain. Rapidly becoming one of my favorite artists, Levi Finley sees and creates across several media. Every time I think I know what he does, I find out he does more. I gave away one of his carved wood boxes at a recent concert in SoCal. Today I asked him to design the artwork for my upcoming single release, "In The City," end of July.

I'll keep you posted on Levi's work. I get the feeling we'll have more conversation and collaboration and I am certainly a fan of his art so I'll be following.

After lunch I spent a couple hours with another artist of whom I am a fan. Meet John Harr:

It's after 10, and I'm still making tomorrow's lunch. I had a brainstorm about putting together several tours next year by following the train route and basically just playing where the train takes me. I like this idea. More on this to come. Kharla, we kinda talked about something like this once, me riding the train to your town to do a concert.

I gotta tend to my cooking, so I'll bid you goodnight. Here's a little video from this afternoon. I wanted you guys to meet John and hear him play.

...

wow! couldn't get the video to load the way I usually do it, so I had to figure another method and it took way longer than usual. Now it's 11:42 and I'm going to bed.

Love you guys,

goodnight, Beautiful

goodnight, Strender

94--a mile apart

2010-06-12T14:10:00.000-07:00

I'm an Adventist. Definitely. A few weeks ago I was on a video-chat with Young Professor about a song we're working on. As I'm talking to my computer screen, out of the corner of my eye I sense movement outside my window and turn to see Ron Wearner, local SDA pastor, at my door.

My heart leapt. Great to see him. So good to see him. Being in the middle of the session with Cowan, I couldn't entertain Ron's visit right then, but we made plans to connect another time. That time turned out to be Thursday of this week. It was a mix of catch-up conversation, lots of music-talk (Ron is a great musician), and an invitation to Potluck this Sabbath. Without question, Potluck is my favorite spiritual discipline.

Well, I'm just back from Potluck and I'm going to sit for a minute before I grab my guitar and head off to rehearsal, with the worship team of Open Door Community Church, my other church a mile away. Because although I am definitely an Adventist, I am also, definitely, Open Door. See, definitely Adventist, definitely Open Door.

"How does that work?" It's the question my landlord asked when I told him I belong to both churches. "I thought you can't do that," he said.

30 minutes ago, I was sitting at a table of family, eating and talking and laughing. In 45 minutes, I'll be in a music practice session with family, playing instruments and planning chord changes.

Both my family. Definitely. A mile apart. Definitely. Getting closer. Definitely.

95--In The City

2010-06-11T16:36:00.001-07:00

My shoulders are killing me. I've been running guitar lines over and over and over and over and over. Working out the part for the new single, In The City, featuring Aaron Beaumont on piano, Anthony DiRocco on drums, Katie Davis and Libby Sturtevant on vocals. I'm excited about this piece of music. I'm getting closer to capturing the sound in my head.

Video Editor Truth Knox just finished this promo for the upcoming single. I love, love LOVE love what she did here. Photography by Leslie Foster.

I'm going back to work. Should be available online in about 6 weeks or so. You're gonna like this one.

98--Creaking

2010-06-08T21:26:00.000-07:00

Finally the doors begin to open, against which I have beat my head incessantly for years on end.

I can think of good reasons to panic, but I wasn't really looking, so that's alright.

Goodnight, beautiful...

Goodnight, strender

98--Steve Myerson

2010-06-08T05:24:00.000-07:00

I just stepped out of the shower. As I opened the shower door, the jazz trio in the next room greeted me and set me to smiling. There's actually not a band in my house this morning. It's my laptop playing the song "In Your Absence," composed and performed by my new friend Steve Myerson. Amazing song, amazing musician.

I met Steve this weekend in Las Vegas at Music Strategies 2010.

My first thought as the music wafted to me is that this is my friend playing. Seriously? I'm friends with musicians of this caliber? How does this happen to me? And my next thought, which is dedicated to artists and musicians seeking a wider audience:

If you upgrade your associations, you upgrade your audience.

It is possible that one day, people who listen to Steve Myerson might also listen to me. I would gladly share him with my audience, which is, for your information, the finest audience in the world.

Have a great day, Beautiful...

Jazz on, Strender

99--home

2010-06-07T01:00:00.000-07:00

General visited with me today in Las Vegas. He just happened to be there in his own journeys at the same time I was there for the workshop. Amazing weekend at Music Strategies 2010. So much learning to assimilate.

Good to be home now.

Whatever your passion is, invest in the education you need to be effective at it.

Thanks, Jonathan, for driving me safely home while I fell asleep exhausted.

100--Pre-show Party

2010-06-06T01:45:00.000-07:00

Waiting on confirmation from Waylan that we are playing the show on June 25th in Silverton. If we are, and it seems likely, 15 guests will be invited to hang out backstage before the show for tea and conversation

101--Music Strategies, Day 2

2010-06-05T07:16:00.001-07:00

Sarine came out to the concert last night. You should have seen her. She was in there meeting and connecting with several of the musicians and getting her music out there too. I'm so proud of her. We have workshops all day long and then at the end of the day, there's a concert. With about 100 attendees at the workshop, we all put our names in a hat and then perform in randomly selected order, one song each for solo artists, two songs for bands.

In My Opinion was great last night, although the sound system wasn't quite adequate to their volume level. It still translated. Jokers and Jacks also did a great job. I remember just sitting back and thinking, our little Sheridan-Willamina-Mcminnville crew is pretty awesome.

We're planning an acoustic tour together. In My Opinion is a full-band, melt-your-face rock situation. But Isaac's acoustic stuff with just him on guitar or piano, that's a perfect fit for this acoustic idea. Three acoustic acts in combination hitting the road together. I'd play bass for some of their stuff, they'd chime in bass and percussion for some of mine. I love that of all the places I could call home, Sheridan is the place my heart landed. I do love that.

Ok, Lenny, start your engine. Day two begins in minutes.

102-What I need pt. 2

2010-06-04T14:45:00.000-07:00

At lunch yesterday, Yannis described a workout based on driving your muscles to the point of complete failure. To the point where you can’t even hold your hands up.

I think this is happening to me spiritually. I can’t keep this up. There’s no way I can plan on living alone surrounded by pretties, always serving, always protecting (even from myself) never possessing. This is impossible. But it is my mission, should I choose to accept it.

I’ve lost sight of my own mission statement for some time now. Don’t remember it happening. I don’t think there was an event. It’s been gradual and I needed today’s power surge to snap my attention to the facts of the situation. I chose to accept this mission. I put my hand to the plow.

Still sitting here on the floor at Caesar’s Palace. Pretty girls still walking by. I still notice them. I’m still a Christian man, not yet a Christian corpse.

I notice you, so if you care, don’t stop being beautiful, just be aware I’m tempted to try and possess you. I have a lot of thoughts to share on the difference between Protecting and Posessing, and the call of the spirit to one, and the call of flesh to another.

If you get how much of a daily struggle this is for me, help me with this. Don’t distance yourself and judge me pervert. This cycle of woman-disgust and man-shame, it’s not helping either of us, is it?

I think it’s important to share some of these feelings because there’s a prevailing idea that when a man submits to Christ, his sexuality evaporates into nothing and he becomes a tame house-cat.

I think the truth should be told that I am having to choose daily to live in congruence with my intention, that I feel the same craving as another man, and the only difference being in Christ makes is that I’m choosing to submit to his standard of what I need instead of my standard of what I want.

I’m tempted beyond what I can bear. Yet I have this knowing that I will get through, in spite of my tired weakness. He who has begun a good work in me will be faithful to complete it. And it is him at work in us both to will and to do the right thing.

Here is verse 2 of a song I wrote a few years ago, right after my divorce:

There’s an angel watching over me

though I do not know her name

and I can’t see where I’m goin

gonna get there just the same

you know I’m gonna live forever

or at least until I die

I love you, beautiful

No more hiding, strender. At least, not today.

102--What I need

2010-06-04T14:38:00.000-07:00

I’m sitting on the floor at Caesar’s Palace in Las Vegas. I chose not to attend the workshop in progress about placing music in film and television. It’s something I want to do, but I wouldn’t quite call it a need at this moment. It’s not where I’ve put my focus at this time.

Today it comes to me very clearly the difference between those things I want and those I need. I need to make music. It’s what I’m made to do. I need it.

I need to be near water often and regularly. I need to be within view of trees. Without these things I can survive. But I didn’t come here to just survive. I need to live.

I need to make money from my music. There’s been a shifting in me for some time now and I think the most succinct summation of that matter is that whereas for a long time now I wanted to make money at this or would have liked to make money at this, now I NEED to make money at this.

And I have things to say that you NEED to hear. Like the value of a promise is not a small thing. It costs the promissor and the promissee when commitment is dishonored. Yes, it costs both parties.

There’s pretty girls here in vegas. There’s pretty girls everywhere. But apparently here they’ve run out of cloth for making dresses so these poor things are walking around with 8-inch strips of cloth covering their bodies. I want to look at them and touch them. I NEED to not. What I want and what I need are at odds in the same way that what I feel often contradicts what I know.

I’m a tortured man. Tortured artist. Tortured soul. It was bad enough back when I knew unequivocally that I didn’t have the power to attract women like that. Which starts a whole different dialog about self-fulfilling prophecy, but we’ll get to that. That’s a different story.

What’s torturing me now is knowing how to gain the attentions and, at least temporarily, the affections of these pretty creatures, and yet holding to a code of belief that pre-empts me from taking what I cannot keep, since it was never mine by right of the King’s assignment. (That was a long sentence. I ran out of breath just typing it)

This also reminds me of my conversation with Dan about Peter Parker’s conversation with his uncle and the famous line: With great power comes great responsibility. I’m not claiming magic powers with women. I’m acknowledging that I have an increasing need for responsibility.

This is going somewhere. I have toyed with and avowed the practice of not spending time alone with women. Eventually I go back on that and create justifiable scenarios that allow me to experience intimacy. This time it needs to stay in place.

None of this is new or recent development. It’s just time I stepped from the shadows.

I read Stephen Arterburn’s book Every Man’s Battle. Helpful, especially the concept of the database, the visual database.

Today I found myself walking scared lest my eyes devour and lead me into temptation. And I’m not built for this kind of skulking. I don’t like it and I’m not going to do it. This isn’t living. Amazing how fear dissolves when in the path of light.

So I was telling Amelia about the “bounce your eyes” strategy, because she asked me how all the porn in plain view was affecting me. OK, pause right here to be grateful for family that asks you real questions.

102--Music Strategies 2010

2010-06-04T12:45:00.000-07:00

This weekend in Las Vegas is costing me over $600. I was watching people at the slot machines downstairs and I'm fairly confident I got off cheap. It's a $5 charge just to get money out of the ATM.

Last night was the mixer. It was the meet and greet. We met at a lounge and started conversations. Let's see who we connect with. I like Kristin Korb, the bassplayer lady. It's funny how connection works. I haven't heard her play. I just looked up her website right this minute so I could pull up a link to share with you, but I don't have enough time to listen for very long, because I'm meeting Yannis downstairs in two minutes so we can grab lunch and head back to the 2pm session.

I'll have to get going now.

More later

103--Street Team

2010-06-03T13:47:00.000-07:00

If you read last night's entry about playing at Coffee Cottage, I found out this morning exactly who I have to get in touch with and his email address. Now I'm going to send him a message saying something like "hey, I would love to come and play some music for your patrons and share a memory in your space."

Yeah something like that, all musician-y and artsified.

So, if you were going to call them, thank you. If you already did, thank you. Do you guys know how to join our street team? We're going to need you a lot in the coming months. So sign up now, I've begun formulating tasks and challenges for the street team. I would like to play in each of the cities that radiate out from where I live, so I'm looking for places to play in Salem, and Corvallis, and Eugene, and Portland. Am I ready to go all the way to Bend yet? Depends on the warmth of the invitation, I suppose.

If you're not on my mailing list or if you are and would like to join the street team, click on this link and thank you so much: http://www.reverbnation.com/lennoxfleary?add_email=true

I'm looking forward to working with you.

Off to lunch with Maria and Yannis. I'll get you some pics from Vegas, and running updates on the seminars and workshops. Hope to have an effective strategy coming out of this weekend.

Colleges, Coffeeshops, and Churches. O my!

104--What happens in Las Vegas, goes everywhere...

2010-06-03T00:58:00.000-07:00

Waiting at gate C13 for the flight to Vegas, a man on the next bench over said, "is that Lennox Fleary?" I look up and there's Kevin May. Last time I saw him was at a bar. I had just played a set with Anthony and Isaac, and Kevin's boys had just played a set in the same line-up. The May brother's Jaime and Morgan, band name Jokers and Jacks, are an acoustic rock/pop duo that I just love listening to. They have a great sound and fantastic musicianship. Today I got to spend 2 hours in the air with their part-time manager, full-time dad, Kevin May. Trust me, i'm the lucky one.

A long time ago I read a book called "The Celestine Prophecy." I remember taking away from it that we each have a message to deliver and I should be on the lookout just in case an apparent stranger is actually a courier bearing news that I need in order to complete the tasks ahead of me.

I began this trip with a fair amount of trepidation. I wonder if use the word too loosely. No, I think it's fair use. I was scared to come on this trip. I've been building up to this point for a while, and now that I'm here, it's time to build a business and pull out all the stops and go get paid to play music. Can people really do that on purpose?

I mean, it's called the Music Business. I know very little about music, although I am learning and finding out that intuition and hearing music in your head does count for something. Whatever I know about music, I know less about business, unless, once again, you get points for intuition and hearing stuff in your head. You begin to notice a trend here.

What I'm hoping for this weekend is that I will walk away with a plan for booking paid performance opportunities. I play for the love of playing, but I also want to be able to make a living at this and I'm down to months from the goals I've set for myself.

Thence my trepidation (said it again).

I'm going to sleep so I can be fresh and well-rested, sharp and clear-minded, ready to absorb the nuance and finesse of music marketing strategy. Yes, I fully intend to be a promotional protege by Monday.

Also, I really want to play at Coffee Cottage in Newberg, OR. So will somebody, anybody, all of you, give them a call and let them know that? If you've heard me play and you think I would be a good experience for their customers, let them know that. I'd really appreciate it. Their number is (503) 538-5126.

They'll either hate that I asked you to call and not book me ever, which is what I have right now, or they'll think it's "creative" and "bold," which might just get me a chance to play there.

I already checked with Kevin (that's Kevin Nichols, bass player) and he would love to play there.

Sounds like Waylan is booking us to play Silverton again on the 25th of June. I'll follow up with him about that tomorrow. Wait, it's already tomorrow.

I can just keep on typing mindlessly. This is my antidote to being alone in a hotel room in a strange town.

No, I'll leave you alone now.

Goodnight, Beautiful...

Goodnight, Strender.

ok, for real, just one more thing. Truth showed me the promotional video she made for my next single and I have to say, it's really good!!! I knew it would be, but I was still impressed bigtime. Thanks, sister. I love it.

OK, now I'm going to bed.

Love y'all

106--time

2010-05-31T17:23:00.000-07:00

Time, it does not wait. I'm going as fast as I can. Just scarfed down three boiled eggs, because it's 5:24 and I'm just having my second meal of the day and that doesn't allign with the goals for this week. I met my weight goal for last week. I don't want to give it back. I want to move forward.

But the day was filled with things to do. Spent a couple hours taping Dan's video audition for an acting role and uploading that to Youtube. Then drove Dan to Portland and said goodbye. There was time for a Dairy Queen Peanut Buster Parfait on the way up there. I can feel the sugar restrictions snapping back into place and I actually missed them the last two days.

Dar, I love your peanut butter cookies, but I'm gonna have to find something else, because sugar is actually TOO sweet for me now. I kept thinking, this is good, and I remember why I liked it so much, but I'd rather have a piece of watermelon right now. Huh, weird. So I had been saying would save my next sugar day-pass for my birthday, but now I'm thinking, maybe not so much.

I had in mind to record Cape Cod Kwassa Kwassa today for my cover project, but here we are at 5:27 and I haven't begun, and realistically I don't have enough time to get what's in my head out. So I'm going to take longer and not get it done in May like I said. I hate when I break a promise.

You know, interestingly, Dan and I had some conversations about the words PROMISE, FORGIVE, COMMIT.

I do love the conversations we get up to.

OK, some potatoes and chicken and then I'm in the studio, because the one thing I am absolutely going to accomplish, God willing, is these audio lines I have to record for Truth, my video editor. She's working on a video promo that should be online in the next couple weeks. I hope you'll like it. And my decision process was that if I get her the elements she needs, I can work on Kwassa Kwassa at my own speed as time allows. Or as I allow time.

Time, it does not wait.

107--In The Middle

2010-05-30T21:29:00.000-07:00

Dan, a.k.a 'Robot,' visited from LA this weekend. Great to have him here. Went to Silver Creek Falls yesterday.

This evening he and Caleb and Topher and I watched "The Last Samurai." Thank you, Scott. It was perfect.

In the car on the way from the airport yesterday, Dan I agreed to lift my sugar embargo for the weekend, the better to enjoy Darlene's amazing peanut butter cookies. Which I just did, and regretted not a minute of it. That was fun. Sugar goes back out into the cold until my birthday in 3 months.

I preached this morning at church. Here's the recording of that. Tomorrow I'm working the cover song project, recording Cape Cod Kwassa Kwassa for Brian and Brianne.

In The Middle, Sermon at Open Door Community Church, May 3, 2010

Goodnight, Beautiful...

Goodnight, Strender

109--Steen Hunting

2010-05-28T21:29:00.001-07:00

6 weeks ago, crawling through the grass, awaiting my quarry.

I know they're heading this way. I know because I passed them earlier and raced on ahead to this vantage point. I'll have to be quick to get the shot. They'll be in frame for only a second or two. Ok, here they come. Three, two, one, steady...

Didn't get the whole flock that time, but this is the frame I chose. I really wanted those posts and the sign in the shot. I'll try to catch another shot further down the road.

Meet Ryan and Jelena Steen. I only just met them myself. Part of my community here in Oregon, they're off on an adventure, biking across the US with their 6 children in tow.

Their oldest is 11, the youngest, 18months.

I feel I had too short a time to acquaint with these beautiful people. I was touched by the power of their love for each other. Maybe our paths will cross again someday. I'll think with a smile of Ryan climbing the rafters at the men's retreat. I'm honored that Jelena sketched the cover art for my recently released live CD.

They're off and rolling. Godspeed, friends...

Ride along on their blog: http://steenbikejourney.blogspot.com/

goodnight, Beautiful...

goodnight, Strender

112-Try Me

2010-05-25T03:42:00.000-07:00

Letter to a friend:

Hey bro,

you asked me to share a couple thoughts on how my perspective changed about the practice of tithing.

I really can't say how amazing it was for me that last week, the money that flowed through my hand on account of music and ministry was over twice the amount from my job!

I've experienced a shift from payment to partnership. I used to make payments to God because I owed it to Him. It was a giving borne of duty. I had to, OR ELSE...

Then there's the way He presents Himself in Malachi 3:10. He says, TRY ME. I heard Him saying, "you don't think it will work?, or maybe you think it will work and you're still unsure?, or maybe you really hope it will work and you want it to work, but you haven't taken the chance?...go for it, just try it"

It's like a father saying to a child, "if you jump, I will catch you." It's Aladdin saying to Jasmine, "do you trust me?" OK, TRY ME.

Try me and see if I won't give you so much you don't know what to do with it. Really? And all I have to do is try?

Somehow my understanding changed from making a payment to God to a situation where God and I are business partners. I'm not buying protections from Him, I'm investing in Him. In his character, and in His reputation. The same way I would if I consider whether or not to go into business with a friend. I would look at their track record and accomplishments and I would assess a list of pros and cons and I would say to myself, two things:

1. Is he capable?

2. Can I trust her?

The first one is easy to me. Is God capable of blessing me beyond my wildest dreams? Yes. And done.

Can I trust Him? Well now, that's up to me, isn't it? I think He can be trusted, now can I trust Him? So I did. Sort of, you might say, just like verse 10 suggests, as a trial, an experiment. I'll try it. What the heck? He says try it, I'll try it. And the most amazing thing has happened.

I no longer perceive Him as a landlord to whom I pay rent, but as a business partner in whom I invest with the assurance that my business interests are also His business interests. By submitting my first and best resource to His kingdom, I become alligned with His purposes and led by His directives. So when I need something to accomplish a task, I'm greatly emboldened to ask.

"Pop, I need an amplifier so I can play to groups of people in venues without a PA system and I don't want to keep borrowing the one from the church because sometimes it won't be available when I need it and because I want to be able to plan without having to depend on the availability of someone else's equipment."

There was a time I would approach that conversation with a hesitation, the way I would ask a landlord to fix something in my apartment. It's not that big a deal, really, and it can wait, and I've lived with it this long. I mean, really, running water is over-rated. Now, we're partners in this house and I'm saying, Lord, I'd really like to put paint on the walls and He's saying, "what color?"

Partners, that's what we are. He is my business partner. I worried I might lose sight of the fact He owns everything, but no, I'm not mistaken with the illusion we are buddies. I wouldn't dare command His attention. I still request attention and submit my ideas, but I submit them without fear, because after all, this was His idea.

He's the one that said, "TRY ME"

Backstory: I was going to buy an amp anyway, using my tax return money. I would be able to afford the middle one, because the top of the line model is simply past my reach. A few minutes before the purchase I was notified by email of a generous gift from a supporter and friend. It allowed me to get the top of the line amp and a microphone and new guitar case so I'm very much ready for the road now. Thank you to my friend and his wife. Thank you. And thank you to God who invests far more in me than I invest in Him, which makes me want to try harder.

Good morning, Beautiful...

Good morning, Strender

126--Ready for Monday

2010-05-16T23:42:00.000-07:00

Pick A Chapter, James 1, selected by Wanee Jeerapeet

Goodnight, Beautiful...

Goodnight, Strender

126--To read or not to read?

2010-05-14T23:31:00.000-07:00

The boys just left and I've got a couple more tasks to accomplish before bed. Sunday evening is board game night at my place. Six guys eating chips and salsa-mole, listening to Michael Jackson, settling Catan. I got a couple cities built before Jonathan ran away with the thing, again. Second win in a row for him. Third one and he buys pizza. I just made up that rule--my house, my rules!

One of the remaining tasks is to make lunch for the next three days and refrigerate so I don't have to buy a $5 footlong every time, thus saving money for necessaries like the $2.50 wine glasses I picked up at Pier One today. Everyone knows things taste better in a wine glass.

Tonight's game beverage was Sorrel, you may know it as Jamaica, a sweetened iced-tea brewed from seed pod casings of a hibiscus relative. Takes a fair bit of sugar to do it right. Having not had sugar in it's overt form for quite some time, I felt no guilt at all serving this sweetened reminder of my time at home last year.

Staying off alcohol hasn't been a problem so far--that's cause I didn't drink often or much to begin with. I made something with chicken for my lunches, because I seem to have lost a little muscle in the time since I quit meat, and maybe I'm just being picky, but it's not like I have space for losing, you know what I mean?

So I'm sitting here, lunch cooling on the stovetop, one task remains, 30 minutes to bedtime. Correction, 26 minutes to bedtime.

I promised Wanee I would record James chapter one for her this weekend. That meant I'd have to unpack my studio and set it up and get it ready for a recording. Did that. Equipment out of boxes and set up as a workstation. Now, though, I'm out of energy.

What's going through my mind isn't guilt. It's gratitude. Wanee has done so much for me. There are some people without whom this life I believe I'm called to, would be further past impossible. It's impossible to be sure, but because of people like Wanee, I begin to believe that the power of WE can achieve what I cannot.

When I play a show in LA, she invites and insists on my band/crew staying at her place. She feeds us and takes us around and basically provides a level of care we couldn't buy even if there was budget for that item.

This is Wanee and Libby hunting and gathering in Hollywood last time we were down.

I'm working on a recording of In The City, Aaron Beaumont on piano, Anthony DiRocco on drums, vocals and electric guitar remaining to be tracked. I'm very excited about this recording. Would not have been possible without Wanee's monthly support of this ministry. And even more important, with a well-timed prayer, text, or other word of encouragement, she reminds me that this is a ministry...as compared to a country escape (never mind the trees).

So now, 8 minutes to bedtime, do I summon the energy to record James chapter one for Wanee, and sleep a little less before the schlep begins tomorrow?

please!!!! like it was even a question!!

Reminds me of Romans 12:1 ... So when you think about all that's been given for you, giving yourself is about the least you can do (LRV, Lennox Revised Version).

1 minute past bedtime...

Fire up the workstation, we gots us some scriptures to read.

132--hidden

2010-05-10T22:15:00.000-07:00

Not spectacular or particularly exciting, but these are things that caught my attention.

Goodnight, Beautiful...

Goodnight, Strender

133--Up

2010-05-09T17:56:00.001-07:00

Not sure what it is about waterfalls. Dawn asked. I know that my favorite body of water is a river. The ocean is too expansive and mysterious, too treacherous for me. A river (usually) has shores within sight of one another. I don't like lakes because they just sit there, large and deep and mucky at the edges, neither going somewhere nor even free of land. Oceans are over-big but at least you can journey to a strange country across their surface. Cross a lake and you end up in a place you could have walked or driven to.

Any way, I like rivers. They affect the shape of the world they encounter in ways that are noticeable within my lifespan. I can see them chiseling, shaping, forming. Dynamic, but not expansive, that's what I like about rivers.

Dawn's favorite body of water is a puddle. How fun. How playful!

I came here to see the water fall, and I see so much else. Like a new tree growing in the foreground of a felled stump. New life emergent from old death. Green over brown.

Not really a safe move, climbing to the top of the falls, but something drew my gaze upward. I think of the opening of Psalm 121, "I will lift up my eyes to the hills, where my help comes from."

I was intrigued when someone pointed out that those words are credited to David, the most powerful man in his culture at the time of said writing. What does the most powerful man on earth see up on the hillside? Maybe I should get up there and take a look?

This was a one-hand-on-a-root, body-hanging-sideways-over-space, hold-out-the-camera-and-click shot. Not safe by any means.

You gotta die of something. Might as well be living. Ok, but for real, there was a moment I got up on a rock and could only hang where I was, couldn't think of a way to move up and couldn't see how to get back down, so I hung there for a minute or two feeling all the way around until my left hand discovered a rock covered with earth that made for a solid hold.

Fine, next waterfall I'm taking a rope.

Goodnight, Beautiful...

Goodnight, Strender

134--Afternoon Drive

2010-05-08T22:39:00.001-07:00

Dawn and I were originally going snow-shoeing today. I've never tried that but I hear it's definitely a cardio workout. I'll have to find out another time. One of Dawn's friends who was planning on joining us for that adventure, sustained an injury so we called the trip off, and replaced it with Maui Madness smoothies at Cornerstone Coffee. Just as happy, not nearly the workout, everybody wins. Except for Amber, whose foot is still broken.

I wanted to chase another waterfall today. It's been a month since my last falls quest. Darlene told me about one she and the kids visited a few weeks ago and it sounded simple and easy to get to. You just go out Baker Creek Road until it turns to gravel and go on about a mile after that. Park next to the pile of discharged shotgun shells and empty beer cans and by golly, you've found exactly what you're looking for...

Can I just tell you? I love living in the country!!!! Love it. I can drive to this in 30 minutes. And you should see what I have to drive through to get there. My eyes are fed, thank you.

I wanted to climb to the top of this one. Should be simple. It's only about 50 or 60 feet up. Vegas made it about halfway, then he went back to the base of the falls and looked up at me with compassionate wonder at the silliness of humans.

Leading worship in the morning. If I start another episode of Firefly right now, I bet I'll make it 15 minutes before I fall asleep.

Goodnight, Beautiful...

Goodnight, Strender

136--here comes the sun

2010-05-06T08:48:00.000-07:00

I'm on probation. Amelia (Isaac's wife) might, maybe, two maybe's and a might, consider singing with us onstage at concerts. She's got a lovely voice, and great personality. You can actually hear her voice singing backup on one of the tracks on Isaac's cd. Can't remember which one, so that's not very helpful, is it?

Beautiful day. Musical day. Gotta mail cd's to Joell. She ordered a couple of the new EP. Gotta contact the artist for the Christmas in Mcminnville project: This Christmas, 10 artists, 10 songs, 1 CD. This is gonna be something special. I'm recording "Winter Wonderland" because we all know how much I love snow. Wrestling the all-important soul-searching question that drives every artist of significance: "What would Michael Buble do with this song?"

It's about time to pony up and handle that Vampire Weekend song that I'm doing for Brian and Brianne. Hmmmmm, I think it's safe to say I'll have it done in the month of May. I think that's ok for me to say.

8:55...systems go in T minus 5 minutes. Here goes Thursday

144--Why Haven't You?

2010-04-28T04:53:00.001-07:00

Addictions are based in pride. The premise is that I can fix it on my own. "I know what to do here." Just a little more of this substance, another round of this behavior and it'll go away.

Denial convinces me it's not broken, Pride allows me to prescribe a medicine. I remember something Terry asked me years ago..."If you know how to fix it, why haven't you?"

End of the day, only God can fix broken humanity. I cannot fix even myself.

Our addictions have become more sophisticated. Some are chemical. Others are religious, spiritual, philosophical. Mind-games and heart-routines by which we convince ourselves we are in control.

It's one of the more frightening aspects of submission to this Christ. The assertion and acceptance that I cannot fix the messes I've gotten into, rewarded by the assurance that He will fix them. Assailed by the unsettling thought that His solution may not be to my liking.

That'll keep you up at night.

Are you feeling, Beautiful?

Are you knowing, Strender?

144--Death and Dancing

2010-04-28T04:18:00.000-07:00

Last week I had a wonderful surprise. I sat to lunch with Jim and Penny with whom I am so honored to live in community. The surprise was that Dan and Regina were also at that table. Given that they live in Zambia, it's a most welcome treat to breathe the same air for those two hours.

Dan asked me how music is going. He asked me how things are with Suzanne. He asked me the direct questions a concerned father asks when he knows he's got only minutes to catch up on a year's worth of conversation. I see Dan maybe twice a year. He has been given by God to many people and I treasure any chance we have to connect and sit at the same table.

Reality check. Music may or not be going. I do not know. It is stirring inside me still, distilling always, constantly telling and retelling a story I recognize as it unfolds, yet do not know before it comes to me. My first CD cost a lot of money. I still owe a man $8500 on that project. I feel like a thief as the months go by that I cannot pay this man. I feel like a fool, when I realize how much better I like the cd we made by accident on Isaac's couch for a grand total of $100.

Life is coming full circle, it seems. I began as a man with guitar and grew into various ensembles and configurations. I've been blessed to work with great musicians. Now it's me and this piece of wood again. It's broken. I broke it, stupidly. I was angry at Suzanne and I hit the guitar. That's pretty dumb, right? Yeah, that's me.

Some of you think I'm depressed and you send me "cheer up" messages. I think there's more going on than that. In the same conversations that call me to death, I am also being called to dance. Maybe I am to dance the dance of death? Is there such a thing? Are there cultures that tradition the death dance? Google will know.

When I say I am dissonant against God's will, here's another attempt at conveying my meaning. I love it that He called me to be a musician, but it has caused so much hurt to me. Music is one of the things He's asked of me, and I knew years ago that it would bring about more struggle than I wish to encounter. I would have liked to have a comfortable, predictable life. I did not want this, but I also would not trade it.

The dissonance lies in the discrepancy between what I know and what I feel. I know I make music because it's the way I'm designed. I feel foolish to have created such a huge debt to a man I now cannot pay.

I know the Lord wants me to continue pursuing Suzanne. I feel like it's futile and going nowhere. I'm surrounded by loving friends who interpret the circumstance as God leading me to move on. After all, if it was His will that I be reunited to my wife, then wouldn't it have happened by now? And if He did in fact purpose for me to be a musician, wouldn't I have succeeded by now? Great questions, both.

I do not have an answer. I am alive. I sing because I breathe. I play where I'm invited.

146--Self-Medication

2010-04-26T03:29:00.000-07:00

Despair. Lust. Selfishness. Ingratitude. Sugar. Alcohol.

These are what keep me awake right now. I have grown dissonant against God's will. I know better. I was choosing obedience, but grumbling the way my dog does when I tell him to get off the couch. And again I'm reminded how disobedience is progressive, because this weekend I find myself not even choosing obedience.

I cannot sleep tonight because of the thoughts in my mind and the sugar in my body. Had a beer Saturday night. Loved it. I enjoy a good beer, but the thing is, I broke a promise to myself. That promise wasn't about self-punishing purity, it was about rendering optimum performance capacity.

Optimum performance capacity. This is an idea for a winner, for one striving toward victory. Lately here I'm not trying to win. I'm trying to survive. I don't want to win, because I don't think I can anymore. Truthfully, I have lost hope. By a miracle of grace, I still have faith, but hope is gone from me. I believe God's promise at some cellular level and in this moment I'm choosing to believe enough to sweep up the dirt and depression I've lived in the past couple weeks so I can enter this week with renewed purpose.

Pride. I get to where I think I'm doing pretty good and then I start thinking I can autopilot this thing. I start thinking I can do this by myself. My reliance on Christ doesn't disappear instantly, just gradually and subtly until again I wake up with my hands on the wheel and my fender in a ditch.

Let Forgiveness be quick and Mercy at my side. Lord, forgive me for taking matters into my own hands, for doubting your promise, for giving in to despair. I am still sad, but also grateful. Again I remember your kindness. Sweeter than sugar, and better for my sleep.

151--Perfection

2010-04-21T02:42:00.000-07:00

...so last night in the worship community conversation, Dawna said that we are working towards perfection. a comment sandwiched in the middle of other thoughts.

I just had a time of worship, at 2 in the morning, singing to Jesus about whatever came to my mind. Don't worry, I'm going back to bed. I have a cold, and in the middle of vibrant dreams, my stuffiness woke me up. I'd love to be done with this quickly, so I'm gonna juice some carrots and get back to bed, hoping for another two hours of sleep before I have to go to work. But as I'm sitting here praising and offering my services, insignificant as they might be, that remark of Dawna's comes back to me and I want to say something about it.

We are not called simply to Excellence, but to Perfection. Excellence can be accomplished by human effort. I know excellent people, lots of them, and in common they possess certain traits, not the least of which is commitment.

What's tickling my mind right now is that Excellence is the outer limit of human effort. We must push towards excellence, believing that at the edge of our finest efforts, we'll be met by Grace, which bridges the gap into a fairer land, Perfection. We cannot build perfection, we can build excellence, a rhythm of disciplines, a commitment to believing and becoming. We can practice scales and we can sing together and seek the deep wisdom of the dance. There is much we can do.

The word did not say, "be ye therefore pretty good."

Nor did it say "Be ye therefore great at some things, average at others, and sucky at some."

It says, "Be ye therefore Perfect, even as your Father in Heaven is Perfect."

That cannot be accomplished by human engineering. And we can get lost in the semantics of what it means to be Perfect. Maybe it doesn't really mean perfect. Maybe it only means to be mature and fully-fashioned. OK, by whatever measure we approach the word, it remains we cannot be this thing to which we are called without the intervention of the Master craftsman.

And this is the good news. Put in the work. Practice those scales. Learn those harmonies. Sing them again. Now another time. Push when you're tired. Learn it the right way. Don't learn the tricks of the trade--learn the trade. At the end, as in the middle, Perfection will be His addition of Grace to our offering of Excellence.

I'm gonna take some juice and go back to bed.

Goodnight, Beautiful...

Goodnight Strender

153--Monday

2010-04-19T05:13:00.000-07:00

"...No son, a woman belongs to no one. Maybe one day if you're lucky and eat all your vegetables, you might belong to a woman..."

154--crash and go

2010-04-18T01:38:00.001-07:00

concert went very well. Every one did an amazing job! Maria, Brian, Libby, Isaac. I'm honored to have shared the stage with such incredible musicians. Then a bunch of us went to Denny's for dinner and some laughs.

Now we're back at Wanee's catching a couple hours of sleep before we hit the road again for the 16-hour trek home. My sinuses are inflamed and I'm wondering if it's a cold knocking at my door or is this my respiratory reaction to smog.

155--editing

2010-04-17T06:33:00.000-07:00

when I started this journey, I said I'd think out loud. I promised to share what's going on inside without editing. Leslie said, "we're always editing..."

So true, Leslie. So true. Last night I let myself speak unedited. I ranted at a concert audience about the things I feel and fear. In the middle and at the end, I am sure that I trust God to see me through or to bury me well, but I am struck with the reality of opposing forces catching me in a crossfire. Large supernatural entities both want me dead. And I don't feel like fighting anymore. I preached a sermon on warfare a month or 6 weeks ago. Then I spoke about forgiveness. Today I feel like neither. I'm going to lead worship in 3 hours and then 10 hours after that, I'll be part of a concert featuring also Libby Sturtevant, Isaac Sturtevant, Maria Papazoglou, Brian Lauritzen. I've become more aware of my feelings. Interestingly, as that awareness grows, I also find I'm more aware of my knowledge. I know what I know. Can't explain it. Doesn't make sense to anyone when I try. But in all fairness, doesn't make sense to me either. Last night I said to my brother David, I have thoughts every day of calling up some girl and using her for my comfort and attaching her heart and dumping my pain on her so I can enjoy the illusion, even for a few moments, that I'm happy. But I know better. Even though I feel like quitting three or four or all of my highest callings, I still know better. I know that a man like me came to the crossroads 2ooo years ago, and made the choice to die by what he knew, rather than live by what he felt. I don't feel like I can make that choice, but I know I have to. It's what He would do--It's what He did. And I feel something stronger than my pain. In this my feelings and knowledge come to unity. I want to be like that man. I've not met another that I believe in as much. Come to think of it, I haven't met Him either. Funny. But I believe He did this, and it's the best example I have of manhood, tested, tried, consistent. I have a horrible sore throat and my spirit is weary. I want to quit. I'll be careful not to speak today as I lead worship. My feelings may get in the way of the job. I am made to worship, whether I feel like it or not.

Usually when I feel this way, I simply retire to solitude and tell God how I feel so that by the time I come back to tell you guys what's going on, He's lifted me back to my feet and I'm ready for another battle. And I realized the injustice of that. If I only communicate when I'm Strender, I'm allowing the illusion that I'm always strender, which is not true. It would take energy to edit my thoughts right now and I don't have that energy, so I'm just letting my fingers think out loud and then I'll post.

Feel what you feel, Beautiful...

Live what you know, Strender

156--peace

2010-04-16T08:12:00.000-07:00

You preserve the mental assurance, the unwavering confidence, the undisturbed calm of the one whose mind is locked on you, because they trust you...Isaiah 26:3 (Lennox Revised Version)

Just woke up. Gonna go put my mind where it belongs.

Good morning, Beautiful...

Rise and shine, Strender

155--safe

2010-04-16T00:54:00.000-07:00

Wanee's place. A home away from...away from what? I've been homeless so long now. When Suzanne found out I had moved out of my apartment to sleep in my car, she was concerned that I was homeless. I said "I was homeless when I lost you; now I sleep outside."

My home is with those who welcome me, who create safe spaces where I can rest and enjoy the company of the blessed.

The trip was so much fun. Hilarious stories of naughty childhood from Isaac and Elizabeth. A splendid detour through Montague to dispatch my tax returns from the nearest post office.

Wanee, thank you for dinner. And a safe place to lay our heads. Thank you for home away from...

home

Goodnight, Beautiful...

Goodnight, Strender

156--rollin'

2010-04-15T02:59:00.000-07:00

there goes my alarm. Time to get up. Still raining, like it was when I fell asleep at midnight.

Isaac should be here to pick me up in 10 minutes and we're off to CA. 16 hours of driving each way? Why do we do this? To play two concerts and lead worship one time? I'm going to need a more compelling reason than the love of music. I can love music just fine on my patio once the train rolls by.

162--red on one

2010-04-09T09:52:00.000-07:00

Brown on three sides, red on one. Kelly was there when I signed the papers. Different colors summon different emotions in me. Or does the emotion summon the color? I choose my socks not as randomly as it might appear. I said once to a friend..."you're not random; you're non-linear."

I like my new house. It's brown on three sides--red on one. Slept there last night on the carpet with Vegas next to me. He hardly ever barks, but he did when the train went by. Chased that one off. I get the impression he'll see to it none of them hang around.

Entertained my first guest. Rafael gave me a few hours of his time and we shared tea brewed from lemongrass that I plucked from my mother's garden in Grenada. For the record, way better than the flavor from a lemongrass teabag.

Back at it this morning. Almost done with the move. Stopping now to meet with Jim for an hour. Little musical project we're cooking up. Back to cleaning, 2 more one-on-ones this afternoon and then a movie with the worship team tonight. And of course, unpacking in between.

Last 20 minutes ran errands to get electricity, water, sewer, and internet lined up. Coming out of City Hall I saw my landlord driving by so I flagged him down and handed off some money. How convenient that he was driving by as I was coming out of the building. Now I don't have to track him down. Love the freebies when you get 'em.

163--on the move

2010-04-08T12:11:00.000-07:00

12:13pm

moving today. Right now I'm sitting at Nick's shop, Slow Train. One of the first things I need to accomplish today is scanning a document into my computer. I have not been able to do that yet. Funny how I've come to take technology for granted. It's a simple thing, scanning and emailing a document. Until you're in a place where that's not readily available and you find yourself spending 2 hours to accomplish what takes 5 minutes in a different location with different tools.

12:31pm

back at my place. This would be my old place. My old new place. The one I've lived in for the last almost 4 months. loading the car. Stopped to laugh as the hail came down. I love it that there's hail falling on a bright sunny day. I love it that hail and snow come here to visit, but they don't stay long. Just the way I like it.

1:19pm

yes!!!! got the scanner to work. Nick's suggestion was to download a driver for my laptop and try the office all-in-one machine. Worked like a charm. Thanks, Nick.

Multi-tasking: 40 push-ups and 40 sit-ups while software installs on your laptop.

5:43pm

got most of the stuff moved. All the big stuff. Dugger came and helped. I call him Dugger. Full name Christopher Dugger, but you see what I mean? So not only did he help me trucking boxes to the car, he phoned a friend when it counted. He called his buddy Jason to lend a hand with an especially heavy item, and that's how I met Jason. Thanks fellas. Jonathan from LTG helped with that too.

Speaking of LTG, we met by the fire this morning. I love fire. Just gotta slip that in there.

Darlene made me lunch and dinner (vegetarian and all) so I could work uninterrupted and get closer to my goal of moving everything today so that tomorrow is for cleaning and unpacking and I can look at Sabbath with nothing on the slate but rest. Thanks for the assist, Dar.

165--Discipline

2010-04-06T05:19:00.000-07:00

I'm failing at Discipline. Woke up exhausted. That's cause I stayed up too late. I saw my bedtime coming and watched it go past. Why do I let simple choices like that trip me up?

For some reason, self-care is an actual battle for me. I know what I need to do; it's not for lack of awareness that I watched it go by.

I need a more compelling reason than discipline. I've believed that once you know the "why".... "how" will present itself.

Maybe this is linked to my latest instructions?

So here I sit, facing 15 hours of tired to which I could have supplied more energy simply by turning off the machine earlier. Now the grueling is my choice and I must face it with all that I can muster.

On a different topic, I miss having someone here when I get back. General stayed with me for two months! What an amazing brother! I'd come home and he would have made tea already or done the dishes already. He'd ask me about anything that looked suspicious as far as time spent alone with a woman. That's probably the thing I value most about our friendship. He was like a bodyguard in that way. Lots of friends say they'll hold you accountable, but when it comes time to ask the hard questions, they hem and haw, at best. Usually it's after the fact when one thing has led to another, that's when they pipe up that they knew all along this was coming. At which point I'm thinking two things:

1. Why didn't you say something?

2. Ultimately it's my choice and I made the wrong one, so I feel guilty and can't say anything to you about not holding me accountable since I didn't hold myself accountable, so at this point I'll just be quiet and say nothing at all.

Weird how my mind works. So random. Right now I'm thinking of a friend who died at 38 of a heart-attack. Very healthy looking. By all appearances, in the prime of good health. But working too hard and sleeping too little.

I'm going to work now. I'll be praying for a stronger "Why."

I need a better reason to be in bed at 9 tonight.

Have a good day, Beautiful...

Do what you know is right, Strender